Wow. 
Another year come and gone.
Already 27 and feeling like 27 should, I suppose. Maybe a little older. Depends on which day of the week it is, lol. Seems like the days pass like seconds and I can't remember how I even got here. But for once, I like where I am and slowly, very slowly, I'm learning to love it. It's amazing even to me when I look back on things and see how I've changed, how I've grown. I was thinking just yesterday about how different I am from the person I was a year ago and what it took for me to get here.
Sometimes you have to hit absolute "rock bottom" before you get it right. I didn't just hit "rock bottom", I was a permanent resident for almost 2 years. The end of 2004 was where it my descent into an all-time-low began. I was in a relationship with one of the most amazing people I have ever had the priviledge of knowing. But I was so fucked up then (and so unaware of my bi-polar disorder) that the only thing I had nailed down was self-destructive behavior. I was horribly co-dependent in all of the relatioships I was part, be it friend or family. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or where I was going. All I knew how to do (subconsciously) was destroy myself and the people around me. And drink. A lot.
I cheated on the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, ending our relationship which subsequently led me to flee from Texas in search of a new begining. So, to Florida I flew. To those of you who don't know this, YOU CAN NOT, UNDER ANY CIRUMSTANCES, ESCAPE YOUR PAST. I thought I could. And on top of all the wrong I had done, this amazing man who I had so painfully let down, wanted to give me another chance. GUESS WHAT? I fucked that up, too. How was it that I didn't learn from the first mistake? How?? Because I didn't understand why he'd still want me??Because I didn't believe in myself?? Hell, I didn't believe in anything. (ABSOLUTEY NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE CAN BE CHANGED, THERE CAN BE NO PERSONAL GROWTH UNTIL YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.) My then best friend, (who I had flown to FL. to stay with, the person I was closest to) turned his back on me as well. He didn't just leave, he set my whole world on fire before he closed the door. That was it, it was all gone. Since I had no idea how to deal with loss or pain, further down-hill I went. I sold myself out constantly in ways that are hard to admit. I drank myself into states where I did anything to escape a memory, if even for a short while. I did drugs, and I partied with the best of them, all in a manner of forgetting, of replacing. None of it worked. Absolutely none of it.
At what I thought was the absolute worst of it all, I started dating one of the only friends I had left. He was a great guy, and for some reason thought I was a good person. But it didn't matter, because I was in such a state of depression that all I did for 3 months was cry and sleep. He did everything he could to help me and I just got worse and worse. So he married me. I thought that if I got married, it meant I wasn't alone. That's how I felt though, alone. Every second of every day. I knew even as I signed the paper work that I wasn't doing the right thing. I had previously lost the only person I ever wanted to marry, and here I was again, covering up one pain with another. And all he was trying to do was make me happy. I was never going to be happy though, sheerly because I felt like I didn't deserve it. I was punishing myself. Perpetuating my pain.
At the end of 2005 is when things took a slight turn. Not down-hill so to speak, but not up-hill either. Just a sort of plateau. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Suddenly, things started to make sense, not everything became clear, just the basics. Appointment after appointment, pill after pill, I tried everything. I got better in some ways, but not in the really important ways. I always was the type to rush into everything and demand answers. I lived for the longest time in ultimatums, expectations and definitives. Patience never was a virtue of mine. I kept waiting for some miracle pill to fix me. I kept praying for some door to open im my brain where all the answers on how to be a better person might wait. And then, as all of my life before, a major upset occured. The last person who I fully trusted put is hands on me (my husband). So again, I packed my bags and ran away. This time though, I ran home.
May 2006. My (then) husband dropped me off at my mothers front door. We said our painful and sad goodbye's. I knew it was time for a serious change, bad thing was, I just didn't want it badly enough. I continued to seek professional help and swim my through a slew of medication, trying to find just the right combo of pills that might make me a more "normal" person. I got into a relationship shortly there after, because as always, I didn't know how to be alone. I was just burning my way through one more guy, looking for some sort of distraction, maybe finding a way to forget about HIM. Karma came full circle then, and I found out that the guy I was dating at that point had been cheating on me at the end of it. Man, I didn't see that one coming, but hell, I deserved it. I was so stressed and hurt by it that I had an emotional break down at work and was hauled off to the nearest psyc-ward. My mom convinced them to let me go home with her, promising to bring me back if I uttered another word about suicide. A lot of really important things happened right after that. Not just that another relationship came to an end, but from that pain came a form of clarity. I had hurt myself one last time, just enough that I was finally going to do something about it.
Autumn, 2007: I got a better job, a really good one. I surrounded myself with my amazing and loving family. And better people. I saw my therapist with a vengence. I found a medicine that worked for me. I got closer to GOD. I met someone in whom I saw so much of my former self, and that alone has really opened my eyes. I am grateful for the experience, it has taught me so much. Then, little by little, I started to feel all on my own the way I never thought I would. I started to really believe in myself. I began by training myself to be a more positive person and to try to constantly think positive thoughts. You have to live in positivity in order to grow and learn and change. It's the only way. It's not always easy, but it's my main priority. It's what I want for myself because I know now that I deserve it. That down-hill drive turned into an up-hill climb. I know things about myself now that were a mystery before. I'm no longer co-dependent like I once was. I am just starting to see and understand how I got myself in to those horrible dark places and what I need to do to say away from them. I'm not 100% well, but I damn sure am on the way there. Every day I wake up and remind myself of my goals and then focus my energy on being the person I know I can be. I have a lot of work to do, but that's okay. I'm willing to do the work, no matter how hard or painful it may be.
So here we are, January 14th, 2008. In 8 or so hours, I'm going to be 27. Another birthday, another year. But this one's going to be great........I finally have something to show for it
.
Another year come and gone.
Already 27 and feeling like 27 should, I suppose. Maybe a little older. Depends on which day of the week it is, lol. Seems like the days pass like seconds and I can't remember how I even got here. But for once, I like where I am and slowly, very slowly, I'm learning to love it. It's amazing even to me when I look back on things and see how I've changed, how I've grown. I was thinking just yesterday about how different I am from the person I was a year ago and what it took for me to get here.
Sometimes you have to hit absolute "rock bottom" before you get it right. I didn't just hit "rock bottom", I was a permanent resident for almost 2 years. The end of 2004 was where it my descent into an all-time-low began. I was in a relationship with one of the most amazing people I have ever had the priviledge of knowing. But I was so fucked up then (and so unaware of my bi-polar disorder) that the only thing I had nailed down was self-destructive behavior. I was horribly co-dependent in all of the relatioships I was part, be it friend or family. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or where I was going. All I knew how to do (subconsciously) was destroy myself and the people around me. And drink. A lot.
I cheated on the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, ending our relationship which subsequently led me to flee from Texas in search of a new begining. So, to Florida I flew. To those of you who don't know this, YOU CAN NOT, UNDER ANY CIRUMSTANCES, ESCAPE YOUR PAST. I thought I could. And on top of all the wrong I had done, this amazing man who I had so painfully let down, wanted to give me another chance. GUESS WHAT? I fucked that up, too. How was it that I didn't learn from the first mistake? How?? Because I didn't understand why he'd still want me??Because I didn't believe in myself?? Hell, I didn't believe in anything. (ABSOLUTEY NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE CAN BE CHANGED, THERE CAN BE NO PERSONAL GROWTH UNTIL YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.) My then best friend, (who I had flown to FL. to stay with, the person I was closest to) turned his back on me as well. He didn't just leave, he set my whole world on fire before he closed the door. That was it, it was all gone. Since I had no idea how to deal with loss or pain, further down-hill I went. I sold myself out constantly in ways that are hard to admit. I drank myself into states where I did anything to escape a memory, if even for a short while. I did drugs, and I partied with the best of them, all in a manner of forgetting, of replacing. None of it worked. Absolutely none of it.
At what I thought was the absolute worst of it all, I started dating one of the only friends I had left. He was a great guy, and for some reason thought I was a good person. But it didn't matter, because I was in such a state of depression that all I did for 3 months was cry and sleep. He did everything he could to help me and I just got worse and worse. So he married me. I thought that if I got married, it meant I wasn't alone. That's how I felt though, alone. Every second of every day. I knew even as I signed the paper work that I wasn't doing the right thing. I had previously lost the only person I ever wanted to marry, and here I was again, covering up one pain with another. And all he was trying to do was make me happy. I was never going to be happy though, sheerly because I felt like I didn't deserve it. I was punishing myself. Perpetuating my pain.
At the end of 2005 is when things took a slight turn. Not down-hill so to speak, but not up-hill either. Just a sort of plateau. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Suddenly, things started to make sense, not everything became clear, just the basics. Appointment after appointment, pill after pill, I tried everything. I got better in some ways, but not in the really important ways. I always was the type to rush into everything and demand answers. I lived for the longest time in ultimatums, expectations and definitives. Patience never was a virtue of mine. I kept waiting for some miracle pill to fix me. I kept praying for some door to open im my brain where all the answers on how to be a better person might wait. And then, as all of my life before, a major upset occured. The last person who I fully trusted put is hands on me (my husband). So again, I packed my bags and ran away. This time though, I ran home.
May 2006. My (then) husband dropped me off at my mothers front door. We said our painful and sad goodbye's. I knew it was time for a serious change, bad thing was, I just didn't want it badly enough. I continued to seek professional help and swim my through a slew of medication, trying to find just the right combo of pills that might make me a more "normal" person. I got into a relationship shortly there after, because as always, I didn't know how to be alone. I was just burning my way through one more guy, looking for some sort of distraction, maybe finding a way to forget about HIM. Karma came full circle then, and I found out that the guy I was dating at that point had been cheating on me at the end of it. Man, I didn't see that one coming, but hell, I deserved it. I was so stressed and hurt by it that I had an emotional break down at work and was hauled off to the nearest psyc-ward. My mom convinced them to let me go home with her, promising to bring me back if I uttered another word about suicide. A lot of really important things happened right after that. Not just that another relationship came to an end, but from that pain came a form of clarity. I had hurt myself one last time, just enough that I was finally going to do something about it.
Autumn, 2007: I got a better job, a really good one. I surrounded myself with my amazing and loving family. And better people. I saw my therapist with a vengence. I found a medicine that worked for me. I got closer to GOD. I met someone in whom I saw so much of my former self, and that alone has really opened my eyes. I am grateful for the experience, it has taught me so much. Then, little by little, I started to feel all on my own the way I never thought I would. I started to really believe in myself. I began by training myself to be a more positive person and to try to constantly think positive thoughts. You have to live in positivity in order to grow and learn and change. It's the only way. It's not always easy, but it's my main priority. It's what I want for myself because I know now that I deserve it. That down-hill drive turned into an up-hill climb. I know things about myself now that were a mystery before. I'm no longer co-dependent like I once was. I am just starting to see and understand how I got myself in to those horrible dark places and what I need to do to say away from them. I'm not 100% well, but I damn sure am on the way there. Every day I wake up and remind myself of my goals and then focus my energy on being the person I know I can be. I have a lot of work to do, but that's okay. I'm willing to do the work, no matter how hard or painful it may be.
So here we are, January 14th, 2008. In 8 or so hours, I'm going to be 27. Another birthday, another year. But this one's going to be great........I finally have something to show for it
.
lostjohny:
YAY! good story! i'm so glad that you found your center, and now have balance. there's a book you need to pick up and read. it's called "excuse me, your life is waiting" it's pretty good. it helped me turn around this past year. 