Well its official now. We are leaving here for another place in Iraq. I am not sure if they have internet there or not but for at least a month I will be unable to use it. It is going to be a bad place like the one before we came here. I am getting in the mindset as much as I can. I will try to give updates as much as I can but please still write me. This is going to be the last big stand for us. We only have about three months left here. I can't believe I've been here for so long.
I once described myself as being in the perpetual shock of a child who just realized he lost his mother in a grocery store. I was, since I lost one to cancer and another in Colombia. Now its more of the perpetual shock of cutting your finger or stubbing your toe on accident. Its when you look at it and the pain sets in almost instantly, and in some way you can't believe its happening and want to reverse it but can't. The pain either shoots up your leg or you start to bleed. Same here. Its a surreal feeling here. Not quite numb but very painful and catches everyone by surprise. I've had it easier for a couple months but have to go back to a bad place. I stubbed my toe and am in shock, but i know that I can't reverse it. I simply have to walk it off, and its going to hurt like hell tomarrow.
I loved a girl once who was afraid of making a decision because her desicion process was based on a perfect world. She was going to be an Artist, travel the world, become famous, and eventually have a family living happily ever after. Then it hit her hard that though it is a good plan the world is imperfect and to accomplish her dreams will require more of her and many sacrifices that she doesn't want to make. She didn't want to love me because I was an "X" in her equation, yet she did love me and kind of wanted to see where things would take us. What at essence was at stake is her hope. Her hope in everything.
For me I have lost Hope before, traveling to my beloved Colombia, unable to find my mother, while before that I was unable to help my adoptive mother from cancer. Like Chuck Palanuik says Losing all hope is freedom, and that It isn't until we lose everything that we are free to do anything. I agree with it in most parts. I would say lose hope in things you can't control and what you can, put it there. I know who I am and my thoughts are my own as well as my instincts. Yeah I will fail myself but I have hope that I will do my best despite any desicion I make. Things i can't control I let go and simply try to react to it the best I can, no regrets. Being here I nearly lost my life more times than I care to count but I am here writing this. I had no control over it I simply did the best I could to live and protect my men. I try to keep this mentality so when I stub my toe or ut my finger or worse I can either walk it off or be calm enough to take care of my self or others.
I told my friend this but haven't heard back yet. Things are alright with my guys, they miss thier wives and don't want to risk thier lives any more than they have to. I understand this. I will do what I can so they can see thier wives again. One of my guys was really worried and emotional and came up to me. He asked if i would cry if he died. I told him with no hesitation, very seriously no, because i would be satisfied by bringing the head of his killer to his wife. Yeah kind of gruesome and doubt I could literally do it but it calmed him down. I realize the whole "band of brothers" thing is played out in movies but it does exist and on a level few if no movies can touch.
I hope you all are well and safe and please don't hesitate to write even though it might be a while before I write back.
Take Care Everyone
I once described myself as being in the perpetual shock of a child who just realized he lost his mother in a grocery store. I was, since I lost one to cancer and another in Colombia. Now its more of the perpetual shock of cutting your finger or stubbing your toe on accident. Its when you look at it and the pain sets in almost instantly, and in some way you can't believe its happening and want to reverse it but can't. The pain either shoots up your leg or you start to bleed. Same here. Its a surreal feeling here. Not quite numb but very painful and catches everyone by surprise. I've had it easier for a couple months but have to go back to a bad place. I stubbed my toe and am in shock, but i know that I can't reverse it. I simply have to walk it off, and its going to hurt like hell tomarrow.
I loved a girl once who was afraid of making a decision because her desicion process was based on a perfect world. She was going to be an Artist, travel the world, become famous, and eventually have a family living happily ever after. Then it hit her hard that though it is a good plan the world is imperfect and to accomplish her dreams will require more of her and many sacrifices that she doesn't want to make. She didn't want to love me because I was an "X" in her equation, yet she did love me and kind of wanted to see where things would take us. What at essence was at stake is her hope. Her hope in everything.
For me I have lost Hope before, traveling to my beloved Colombia, unable to find my mother, while before that I was unable to help my adoptive mother from cancer. Like Chuck Palanuik says Losing all hope is freedom, and that It isn't until we lose everything that we are free to do anything. I agree with it in most parts. I would say lose hope in things you can't control and what you can, put it there. I know who I am and my thoughts are my own as well as my instincts. Yeah I will fail myself but I have hope that I will do my best despite any desicion I make. Things i can't control I let go and simply try to react to it the best I can, no regrets. Being here I nearly lost my life more times than I care to count but I am here writing this. I had no control over it I simply did the best I could to live and protect my men. I try to keep this mentality so when I stub my toe or ut my finger or worse I can either walk it off or be calm enough to take care of my self or others.
I told my friend this but haven't heard back yet. Things are alright with my guys, they miss thier wives and don't want to risk thier lives any more than they have to. I understand this. I will do what I can so they can see thier wives again. One of my guys was really worried and emotional and came up to me. He asked if i would cry if he died. I told him with no hesitation, very seriously no, because i would be satisfied by bringing the head of his killer to his wife. Yeah kind of gruesome and doubt I could literally do it but it calmed him down. I realize the whole "band of brothers" thing is played out in movies but it does exist and on a level few if no movies can touch.
I hope you all are well and safe and please don't hesitate to write even though it might be a while before I write back.
Take Care Everyone
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
I hope all is well with you!
[Edited on Apr 28, 2006 12:30PM]