After the military, I felt so broken inside. I was lost and felt so utterly alone that I felt worthless in life. I figured heart ache was just a part of life, no matter the degree to which it happened. It was something I was learning to cover up and laugh off.
I had my first boyfriend in 8th grade, and as I neared actually having strong feelings, I froze and ended it like a bitch, on Valentines Day. I have regretted it to this day, just the thought makes me sick. His name was Shane, he committed suicide a few months ago. You can never forget your first boyfriend.
Since then, since always, I could never let myself commit. But boys always find a way to hurt me even so; cheating, lying...the ususal, you know what I mean. Even, cheating on their 16 year old fiance which you didnt know they had, and then cheating on you with someone else....and sexual assault, something that teases sanity. It was starting to take it's toll, it was really killing me inside. Even I would hurt myself, ending relationships before I could get hurt, and just hurting myself in return.
I have never had anyone on Valentines Day, and it always reminds me of Shane. I wish I could take it back, the pain I caused him, the rut I got myself into....
It's not that I want it that way either, who doesnt want to be loved? I wish I knew what it was like to know love, to be loved....to be happy.
I almost had a date tonight...but I got stood up. And who it was means nothing now, love was not my agenda, but it just brings back so many nightmares and pain. I pick the wrong people...the wrong people pick me.
I had my first boyfriend in 8th grade, and as I neared actually having strong feelings, I froze and ended it like a bitch, on Valentines Day. I have regretted it to this day, just the thought makes me sick. His name was Shane, he committed suicide a few months ago. You can never forget your first boyfriend.
Since then, since always, I could never let myself commit. But boys always find a way to hurt me even so; cheating, lying...the ususal, you know what I mean. Even, cheating on their 16 year old fiance which you didnt know they had, and then cheating on you with someone else....and sexual assault, something that teases sanity. It was starting to take it's toll, it was really killing me inside. Even I would hurt myself, ending relationships before I could get hurt, and just hurting myself in return.
I have never had anyone on Valentines Day, and it always reminds me of Shane. I wish I could take it back, the pain I caused him, the rut I got myself into....
It's not that I want it that way either, who doesnt want to be loved? I wish I knew what it was like to know love, to be loved....to be happy.
I almost had a date tonight...but I got stood up. And who it was means nothing now, love was not my agenda, but it just brings back so many nightmares and pain. I pick the wrong people...the wrong people pick me.
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Seriously, you will find someone who spoils you , respects you and is not an ignorant fool. I did not find true love until much later in life. She is my closest friend now since being a couple was not going to work due to distance, careers, family responsibilities,etc. I still send her thoughtful things for Valentine's Day or just whenever I think of her.
If picking you is wrong, I see no sense in being right.