I got lost in London tonight. As I wondered the streets, I somehow knew I had just walked them yesturday. It was all so different. The same.
I gave up actually trying to find my way and decided to space out and feel my surroundings unstead of watch them. I passed a group of what I seem to remember as jesters. I heard some crude remarks from drunk men around the market and I daydreamed about all of the things I wished I had said/done to them.
I suddenly felt very alone. I felt the worste kind of lonliness. The kind where you aren't alone, but no one exists anymore. I admit I've become a bit of an insomniac, but, at least, I find myself more predictable now.
I started to hear phrases and sections of books in my mind as I stared at the cobblestone walkway. A car started to drive towards me, and I suddenly felt they would carelessly run me over. I felt I should lie down so they would turn and it would be over. Then I realized both of my legs where fine and I had no Faber to run to. No stream to walk by. No friends to make on my way. Nothing to give. Nothing.
Is that what it is? Is that what I am? I am empty.
Maybe just too full.
I feel my life flit by my heart now. I wish we could both get visa cards and live out here. Then you would no longer just exist in dreams, memories, and false realities.
I've done a lot of meaningless jabber just now and I am starting to doubt my ability to send this entry. I shall send it now before I chicken out. I guess I am sending you sort of stream of consciousness.
I'm going to go back in my room now.
I gave up actually trying to find my way and decided to space out and feel my surroundings unstead of watch them. I passed a group of what I seem to remember as jesters. I heard some crude remarks from drunk men around the market and I daydreamed about all of the things I wished I had said/done to them.
I suddenly felt very alone. I felt the worste kind of lonliness. The kind where you aren't alone, but no one exists anymore. I admit I've become a bit of an insomniac, but, at least, I find myself more predictable now.
I started to hear phrases and sections of books in my mind as I stared at the cobblestone walkway. A car started to drive towards me, and I suddenly felt they would carelessly run me over. I felt I should lie down so they would turn and it would be over. Then I realized both of my legs where fine and I had no Faber to run to. No stream to walk by. No friends to make on my way. Nothing to give. Nothing.
Is that what it is? Is that what I am? I am empty.
Maybe just too full.
I feel my life flit by my heart now. I wish we could both get visa cards and live out here. Then you would no longer just exist in dreams, memories, and false realities.
I've done a lot of meaningless jabber just now and I am starting to doubt my ability to send this entry. I shall send it now before I chicken out. I guess I am sending you sort of stream of consciousness.
I'm going to go back in my room now.
And you're 19, so you've got plenty of time... even if life does flit by, and believe me, it does more and more as you get older, it's still a blast.
You're in London... it's a great place, but be careful. Don't spend your life waiting for it to end, enjoy it.
And remember, there's a party waiting for you when you come back!