FUCK!! I am so god-damned sick of this fucking shit, it is not even funny! Just.. yeeargh!
It shouldn't be so fucking hard to say what you believe, regardless of whether it means taking a risk or not. And Javert, don't think I'm not looking at you. I know you did a number on me. If it wasn't for you, I'd be three years younger, ten grand richer, and quite solid in the lovely personality I had been developing at the time.
Though, I suppose that's unfair. To just blame it all on one person that isn't inside my head. Ultimately, all of my actions are MY actions. So, who's to blame for a guy that's gotten to a point of perpetuating his own self-ruining behaviour? At least there are worse things. Inevitably, I'll most likely end up keeping myself down for years. The problem in and of itself invariably means that most others will be spared from anything truly impactful.
Sick of it!
"This is more important than re-election, I want to speak now."
So what if he gets upset? He'll move out and I'll have to find another roommate. So what if I end up isolating myself? It'll be a far truer existence than I've led in some time. Yes, loneliness is difficult for me, but do I really want this constant compromise and game of pretend? And so what if she doesn't believe me or agree? I'll be hurt for a while having said what I mean and exactly what I mean. It's not like I'm new to being hurt. And there are worse things to say than the truth (most of the time).
Except that "so what" is tough for me. I place a large value on even the most run-down of relationships.
Well, I'm going to give it a try anyway. Fuck all.
---Update---
I'm bound to screw up at first. After Javert, I became too "smart" for my own good. I hate being smart. I can't even begin to describe how much I fucking hate being smart. I miss simple, and occasionally stupid.
I don't want to hurt feelings, and I don't want to make people upset. But that's bound to happen. And that I didn't set out with malicious intent is the difference between good person and bad person, which seems to be an enormous priority with me.
I'm done talking myself into inaction. I'm done. Flat-out done.
I am weak, I am strong. I am stupid, I am brilliant. I am wretched, I am wonderful, and I am all of these things at once. Like a fucking Meredith Brooks song.
.. I'm hungry. I'm gonna' go make myself some soup.
It shouldn't be so fucking hard to say what you believe, regardless of whether it means taking a risk or not. And Javert, don't think I'm not looking at you. I know you did a number on me. If it wasn't for you, I'd be three years younger, ten grand richer, and quite solid in the lovely personality I had been developing at the time.
Though, I suppose that's unfair. To just blame it all on one person that isn't inside my head. Ultimately, all of my actions are MY actions. So, who's to blame for a guy that's gotten to a point of perpetuating his own self-ruining behaviour? At least there are worse things. Inevitably, I'll most likely end up keeping myself down for years. The problem in and of itself invariably means that most others will be spared from anything truly impactful.
Sick of it!
"This is more important than re-election, I want to speak now."
So what if he gets upset? He'll move out and I'll have to find another roommate. So what if I end up isolating myself? It'll be a far truer existence than I've led in some time. Yes, loneliness is difficult for me, but do I really want this constant compromise and game of pretend? And so what if she doesn't believe me or agree? I'll be hurt for a while having said what I mean and exactly what I mean. It's not like I'm new to being hurt. And there are worse things to say than the truth (most of the time).
Except that "so what" is tough for me. I place a large value on even the most run-down of relationships.
Well, I'm going to give it a try anyway. Fuck all.
---Update---
I'm bound to screw up at first. After Javert, I became too "smart" for my own good. I hate being smart. I can't even begin to describe how much I fucking hate being smart. I miss simple, and occasionally stupid.
I don't want to hurt feelings, and I don't want to make people upset. But that's bound to happen. And that I didn't set out with malicious intent is the difference between good person and bad person, which seems to be an enormous priority with me.
I'm done talking myself into inaction. I'm done. Flat-out done.
I am weak, I am strong. I am stupid, I am brilliant. I am wretched, I am wonderful, and I am all of these things at once. Like a fucking Meredith Brooks song.
.. I'm hungry. I'm gonna' go make myself some soup.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
user209834982:
*hugs* relax hun. 
kinkerbelle:
lol. Yo dawg. Whuz up jigga man? 
lol. crazy boy. Thanks for the laugh. 
lol. crazy boy. Thanks for the laugh.