Well, I reckon my account's going to expire on here at some point. Seeing as I have no money to renew and nobody drops by here much anymore anyhow, I figure I'll stop pretending to be more sane and callous than I really am (especially since nobody's buying that shit anyways), and share all of the whiny bullshit I usually feel is only suited to the sea of malcontent that is MySpace. These two ought to be a nice preamble to the craptacular masterpiece I'm writing at this very moment. Enjoy.
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Gou Shi
Current mood: Corner Of "No" And "Where"
There's a saying that floats around out there in the world that many men lead lives of silent desperation. This certainly isn't true of me, most of the time. I'm always of the opinion that I usually do a pretty good job of voicing my desperation when it rears its ugly head. Truth be told, I seldom know what I'm desperate about. Just that I'm sometimes undefinably unhappy.
The friends I've lost over time left a significant hole in my life. Those who left to go to another place. Those who disappeared after a bad break-up. Those who I could never depend on to be there for me in any way, most especially after I'd given and come to sacrifice a great deal for them. Unfortunately, the friends I miss most are those few that I never had. People I've had to watch from a distance thinking "god, if only things were under slightly different circumstances".
At first glance, there's not much to me. Fairly pessimistic a good deal of the time, but really it's only due to my extreme optimism and the fact that I often feel let down. Pretty jaded and bitter, which I guess is true enough anymore. I find myself constantly apologizing for piddling and trivial misdeeds. Though, sometimes I wish people would take a look at the reasons I do apologize instinctively for some things. Perhaps they would find how courteous I attempt to be with all people, more so with those closer to me.
Some people claim they can be independent, claim that they can be an island unto themself. For some, I believe this is true. Though there's a sizable schism between those who have many people around them eager to spend time with them, eager to get to know them, yet choose to spend most of their time alone anyhow; and those who have little choice in the matter. I suppose there are some I could spend a good deal of my time with during those days when I desperately want to get out of the house, or at the very least, want to relax indoors somewhere with somebody comfortable. But to have friends of convenience strikes me as an unnecessary evil, and I don't want to be that kind of friend to anybody. People deserve more than someone who wants to be their friend just because he's lonely, and I want to spend time with people based on mutual interest, worldview, aspirations, temperment, or any other numbers of thing.
Thing is, it seems as though you have to put a lot of effort into getting to know me these days before liking me at all or enough to want to spend time with me. So, I just end up kind of drifting along, feeling like some kind of lazy nihilist that can't even embrace the philosophy, and so is riddled by feelings of guilt, self-depracation, and jealousy.
Everybody's just looking for the easiest thing from the start. I tell you what, I wouldn't mind something easy. I wouldn't mind something uncomplicated. Just never seems to come my way is all. Never seem to get any chances.
And now I'm babbly-whining.
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Attention Due The Moment
Current mood: Abysmal
There's this strange waxing and waning relationship between the conditions in a person's life, and the exceptions to them. In the past, I've tried to make note of when I feel truly happy, contented, or any other positive emotion I can muster. For some reason, I want to make mention of the fact that right now, at this very moment, I am extremely unhappy.
Circumstances have conspired against me in a fashion leaving me no recourse whatsoever. My usual outlets currently bring me little solace, and I find myself with few productive things to do. Not working until tomorrow, my laundry is done, and the apartment is clean enough that I shouldn't disturb my visiting mother to nitpick.
*Sigh* Feeling pretty desperate actually. Torn between wanting to go to sleep, and wanting to embark upon some sort of foolish journey. It's been a while since I've felt unbidden tears, and they're bound to make themselves known soon enough.
-----
Gou Shi
Current mood: Corner Of "No" And "Where"
There's a saying that floats around out there in the world that many men lead lives of silent desperation. This certainly isn't true of me, most of the time. I'm always of the opinion that I usually do a pretty good job of voicing my desperation when it rears its ugly head. Truth be told, I seldom know what I'm desperate about. Just that I'm sometimes undefinably unhappy.
The friends I've lost over time left a significant hole in my life. Those who left to go to another place. Those who disappeared after a bad break-up. Those who I could never depend on to be there for me in any way, most especially after I'd given and come to sacrifice a great deal for them. Unfortunately, the friends I miss most are those few that I never had. People I've had to watch from a distance thinking "god, if only things were under slightly different circumstances".
At first glance, there's not much to me. Fairly pessimistic a good deal of the time, but really it's only due to my extreme optimism and the fact that I often feel let down. Pretty jaded and bitter, which I guess is true enough anymore. I find myself constantly apologizing for piddling and trivial misdeeds. Though, sometimes I wish people would take a look at the reasons I do apologize instinctively for some things. Perhaps they would find how courteous I attempt to be with all people, more so with those closer to me.
Some people claim they can be independent, claim that they can be an island unto themself. For some, I believe this is true. Though there's a sizable schism between those who have many people around them eager to spend time with them, eager to get to know them, yet choose to spend most of their time alone anyhow; and those who have little choice in the matter. I suppose there are some I could spend a good deal of my time with during those days when I desperately want to get out of the house, or at the very least, want to relax indoors somewhere with somebody comfortable. But to have friends of convenience strikes me as an unnecessary evil, and I don't want to be that kind of friend to anybody. People deserve more than someone who wants to be their friend just because he's lonely, and I want to spend time with people based on mutual interest, worldview, aspirations, temperment, or any other numbers of thing.
Thing is, it seems as though you have to put a lot of effort into getting to know me these days before liking me at all or enough to want to spend time with me. So, I just end up kind of drifting along, feeling like some kind of lazy nihilist that can't even embrace the philosophy, and so is riddled by feelings of guilt, self-depracation, and jealousy.
Everybody's just looking for the easiest thing from the start. I tell you what, I wouldn't mind something easy. I wouldn't mind something uncomplicated. Just never seems to come my way is all. Never seem to get any chances.
And now I'm babbly-whining.
-----
Attention Due The Moment
Current mood: Abysmal
There's this strange waxing and waning relationship between the conditions in a person's life, and the exceptions to them. In the past, I've tried to make note of when I feel truly happy, contented, or any other positive emotion I can muster. For some reason, I want to make mention of the fact that right now, at this very moment, I am extremely unhappy.
Circumstances have conspired against me in a fashion leaving me no recourse whatsoever. My usual outlets currently bring me little solace, and I find myself with few productive things to do. Not working until tomorrow, my laundry is done, and the apartment is clean enough that I shouldn't disturb my visiting mother to nitpick.
*Sigh* Feeling pretty desperate actually. Torn between wanting to go to sleep, and wanting to embark upon some sort of foolish journey. It's been a while since I've felt unbidden tears, and they're bound to make themselves known soon enough.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
but, i do live in minneapolis. we got lots o' artsy fartsy types here.