sensory

haven't been on in a long while, but despite my absence I'm still here.....

I am different.
I'm happy. I guess as happy as I can be.
It's a weird feeling that was so fleeting but I'm caught it now.
but now what?
gotta do what I gotta do.
Listen more
becoming more assertive with my boundaries..
I'm breaking rules that were more like bad habits
and that's good.
so yeah. it's good.

xoxoxo

I am.
I'm not.
I'm yes
I'm no
I'm up.
I'm down.
I'm hot.
I'm cold.
I'm all those things
I'm none of those things.
I'm the definition of contradictions.

but happily noted:
I had my first orgasm in 9 months.
yes I was alone.
and yes it was fucking incredible.
hooray for me.

so things are crazy but I'm surviving.
I'm finding that I'm almost always tired though, whether I sleep 4 hours or 15 hours at a time.....
I keep having dreams that incorporate aspects of my past. Lately I've been having really vivid dreams about snorting coke, and then I wake up, heart pounding and anxious, frenzied into an obsession of the mind......
I have no...
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haven't been online in awhile.
i'm doing good. I will have 6 months sober on 8/7
woo.
and hoo.
hooray.

thanks you friends for giving me support.
my mom is in a mental health hospital. it is up to her insurance how long she will be staying there. I'm comforted that I don't have to worry as much right now because the drs and nurses are keeping her safe while she is there. I'm scared of when she comes home though, because she's treating this...
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need help and support really bad.
my mom tried to kill herself last night.
thank god I went home early because I was tired.
if I had stayed out I would have found her body.

so please say somthing. I don't know. I don;t know what I''m doing or thinking.
jjust help.............

"Bury All Your Secrets"

Bury all your secrets
and never leave a trace.
Dream of sand castles and rainbows
or being wrapped in a mermaid's embrace.
Imagine pink coral and seashells
sleeping on the ocean floor,
think of a child's innocence
and the questions she implores.
Remember knights on fiery steeds,
riding across magical lands.
Dream of Midas turning his daughter to gold
with just...
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"Awake to feel the Ache"

I tore out a piece of my heart
so that I could give it to you
to have
but as I outstretched my hand to give
you were not there
you were late.

Someone else tugged at my heart
the girl with big hands
who wanted anyone's anything
She squeezed
squeezing the life out of it.
When she realized
it...
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checking into detox on saturday, then 30 days of recovery
so like 6 weeks. miss everyone.