seniam

It's hard to face the world when your interpretation of it is unpredictable. It seems one moment the world looks amazing, and the next it is entirely against you. Day in and day out I go about life wondering what this person or that person really meant. Whether or not I am being tested, only to be made a fool of in the end. So again, one moment life is swell, and the next it is miserable...an endless loop that reminds me of the Lorenz Attractor...this looping pattern is the same, but each time it comes back around it is different. Different in events, people. and even random objects. Pennies are always appearing randomly right in front of me at least once a day. I've always believed in that saying, "Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck." To be able to apply that to other things in life is my goal...or rather I should say that I am applying it to other things in life, but still learning and mastering it. Believe in something and it will happen. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you.

This isn't what I want or hope for anymore, this is what I am going to do, and this is what I am going to have.

The reason I write all this is because I always feel as if everything I will ever do will fail miserably. The only regret I have is having this fear of failure. It is always in the back of my mind and I want it gone. It is a slow process, but it helps makes things clearer when I organize my thoughts...at least all seems clear for the time I am writing out my thoughts. The following day I think back and tell myself what a fool I was to have written everything I did, and so I quickly try to cover it up with something else. It is fear. It is insecurity. It is stupid.

My mother always told me I should take my own advice. You grow up thinking your parents are always nagging you until one day you realize they are only helping you.

What a world. What a life. What a dream.