sehkh

another day to reflect on what direction my life is going in. to be honest i really cant say whats foward and whats backwards. whats right and whats wrong. there is no clear cut path to anything in my way. fowards or backwards, up or down. nothing really makes sence to me as i try hard to fight the never ending nag to close my eyes and refuse to open them later. how easy could it be, to fall into a sleep from which there is no return. or will that sleep turn into a rude awakening? so much unknown. there is no clear cut path backwards and fowards up or down. to be surrounded by people in constent pain, to be helpless to their plight... to just sit and watch as they suffer endlessly so that you might have a better chance in life. is there life over... or is mine? what is left for me when the only thing ive known for my existence is holding on the the diming light of a candle burning in thier soul... a soul that seems to want to give up, but on the other hand wants to keep living. i can only imagine whats going through her head as she strugles to move about side to side back and forth... how much pain she must be in to move... to live... but there is no clear cut path... back and forth up or down. the emptyness is consuming me just as much as life is consuming her... and im affraid. im affraid of the future... im affraid i dont have one with out her in it. im affraid im weak, im just affraid of being affraid. what is left for me when the world has lost its meaning of existence? my purpose will soon be fullfilled... and what does that leave me with? an empty shell of a man that also no longer has the will to go on. maybe i think to much... maybe my problem is i never thought enough till now? i wish that things were diffrent, i wish i was someone else some place else i wish i knew the path backwards and fowards... up or down.... i just wish i knew.....