Here it is...
My entries tend to be on the positive side and I'm sure by the end of this one I'll somehow manage to turn it around... but for the time being I am in a horrid mood and I had a terrible night.
I've noticed for over a week now that my roommate and one of my very best girlfriends has been avoiding me. I shrugged it off and didn't think it was anything to worry about. Tonight I go to play poker and she is already there and didn't bother to call me as usual to see if I want to come. She practically ignores me and leaves later during the night with barely saying goodbye.
2am rolls around and I find out from one of the guys running the league (all of whom we are friends with) that she specifically requested that she was not in the same room as me. This coming from the girl who usually requests that we are at the same table. I almost started crying right there. I actually turned away and went to the bathroom because I had tears in my eyes. Obviously something is wrong and I am completely unaware. The guy said he knew, but promised her he wouldn't tell me. He only said that it was something I said while I was drunk. Well, first off... if I was drunk then don't put toooo much stock into what I say. Or on the other hand... maybe put all your stock into it. It just depends. Nonetheless I am going to have to talk with her tomorrow and find out what I did or said that has made her not want to even be in the same room as me.
This makes me feel bad even though I don't know what or if I did anything wrong. I know I have the tendency to say things off the cuff that I don't really intend to come out the way they do. I know I can be insensitive and usually without even having the slightest clue that I am. I am soooo at a loss.
It always seems that even with my best intentions that I fuck everything up. Everything I touch turns to dust. Everyone I know goes away in the end. I really think that I am completely misunderstood by almost everyone that I know. I am taking this more to heart than I probably should. I'm not even drunk. But this one piece of information that I received tonight has turned me upside down and I'm hurt that something that I've done, regardless of whether it's intentional or not, has made my very good friend not want to be near me. Maybe I'll laugh when I hear what is wrong because it will be so silly and such a misunderstanding. Hopefully that will be the case.
I always tend to alienate myself from people who I care about. What is that? Who does that? Someone who's scared of getting close maybe. Someone who is questioning way too much right now. I don't know how I'm going to turn this one around... this is pure negativity and pure sadness. I guess it was my turn to be blue. Into each life some rain must fall. And when it rains it pours... This is a sad sad ramble... I'm sure everything will be okay tomorrow. It usually is.
I'll just keep telling myself that.
My entries tend to be on the positive side and I'm sure by the end of this one I'll somehow manage to turn it around... but for the time being I am in a horrid mood and I had a terrible night.
I've noticed for over a week now that my roommate and one of my very best girlfriends has been avoiding me. I shrugged it off and didn't think it was anything to worry about. Tonight I go to play poker and she is already there and didn't bother to call me as usual to see if I want to come. She practically ignores me and leaves later during the night with barely saying goodbye.
2am rolls around and I find out from one of the guys running the league (all of whom we are friends with) that she specifically requested that she was not in the same room as me. This coming from the girl who usually requests that we are at the same table. I almost started crying right there. I actually turned away and went to the bathroom because I had tears in my eyes. Obviously something is wrong and I am completely unaware. The guy said he knew, but promised her he wouldn't tell me. He only said that it was something I said while I was drunk. Well, first off... if I was drunk then don't put toooo much stock into what I say. Or on the other hand... maybe put all your stock into it. It just depends. Nonetheless I am going to have to talk with her tomorrow and find out what I did or said that has made her not want to even be in the same room as me.
This makes me feel bad even though I don't know what or if I did anything wrong. I know I have the tendency to say things off the cuff that I don't really intend to come out the way they do. I know I can be insensitive and usually without even having the slightest clue that I am. I am soooo at a loss.
It always seems that even with my best intentions that I fuck everything up. Everything I touch turns to dust. Everyone I know goes away in the end. I really think that I am completely misunderstood by almost everyone that I know. I am taking this more to heart than I probably should. I'm not even drunk. But this one piece of information that I received tonight has turned me upside down and I'm hurt that something that I've done, regardless of whether it's intentional or not, has made my very good friend not want to be near me. Maybe I'll laugh when I hear what is wrong because it will be so silly and such a misunderstanding. Hopefully that will be the case.
I always tend to alienate myself from people who I care about. What is that? Who does that? Someone who's scared of getting close maybe. Someone who is questioning way too much right now. I don't know how I'm going to turn this one around... this is pure negativity and pure sadness. I guess it was my turn to be blue. Into each life some rain must fall. And when it rains it pours... This is a sad sad ramble... I'm sure everything will be okay tomorrow. It usually is.
I'll just keep telling myself that.
And yes, American Idol is television crack to me.