sebastian6

there are so many things i want to say that I simply don't know how to express. sometimes i wonder if language is even worth bothering about. i notice that it's often like trying to do surgery with a butter knife. and then there are my emotions which don't always translate to language. and they run hot and cold- i'll find myself being distant or friendly at odd times of the day in an unpredictable schedule. and then i sit here and muse about it in my journal.
why??
my rational self tells me to get on with it already. get on with my life. quit the analyzing already. gerry, you're really not that fascinating..live with it and live your life. but i end up just chase my tail for awhile and then forget. ugh. then i remember and then forget and then remember and then forget and then....

i feel scatterbrained right now. i'm all over the map. i would love to go on a faulknerian rant about the self-doubt that plagues me. but then you guys would know how truly insane i really am. mwahaha.

my friend X said to me tonight: "what do you want to do with your life?".
he said this without the slightest hint of Neidermeyeresque accusation in his voice. I thought about it and began to feel stumbly and unsure. well, i was high at the time as well, so that didn't help either. but still, it made me think that i had no really good answer for that one.

so i said, "well, one thing i'd like to do in the next year or two is buy a house."
then he says: "okay...what about after that?"
(my thinking during this conversation was that i'm not really in the mental or emotional condition to be answering questions like this.)
so i said, "well, i'd live there with someone i love deeply."
him: "okay...then what?"
me: "uhhh...be creative, live each day enjoying my life and those i care about."
(i knew how lame it sounded the moment it came out of my mouth.)
him: "so you're just going to go to work everyday, come home and relax?"
me: "well, i like what i do but no. errr...i guess, russ, i haven't got it all figured out just yet."
him: "that's fine..i understand."
me: "i admire you though. you seem to live life at your own pace."
him: "yeah, but i'm also a drug dealer."
me: "oh yeah..true."

it was funny, tragic, weird, and zen all at the same time.
now, i do not buy drugs from him, but he is a friend of mine. so his final comment made me see him in a new light. not a judgemental (on my end) light, but just like, "oh yeah..i guess there is that."

but...what do i want to do with my life? i don't have a big plan.
and now i'm feeling weird about that. do you guys have a big master plan?
career-wise i'd like to stay in radio and audio production as my profession. but i would much rather be working in public radio than private. that's where the bulk of my experience has been, and getting used to all this for-profit stuff is an adjustment. it's a different mindset that i'm glad i've learned about. beyond professional aspirations, i'd like to love and be loved and make music (both literally and figuratively) with friends and those i love. i want to be a positive influence on those around me, not negative. i like making people feel good about themselves. i love helping someone see the beauty in themselves. so why am i always so hard on myself?

"yeah, but how do you want to be remembered?"
(that's me saying that to myself during this silly inner dialogue)

remembered??

then i think about Ozymandius "ahhhhhh...". and i remember the radiohead lyric- "the best you can is good enough". and fuck yes...that's right, it is. and i will try to expect nothing more or less than that from myself and others. do the best you fucking can. and if you're not doing the best you can, then that's a whole other issue. but as long as you are, in your mind, doing the absolute best you can. then fuck anyone who needs more from you.

so i sit here and put in blue bell knoll and the music makes me feel like
life is indeed but a dream. and i do what john lennon says and float downstream. it is not dying...and that's a comfort. it amazes me how i can witness and/or feel happiness, sadness, tragedy, hilarity, awkwardness, comfort, anger, vulnerability, childishness, kindness, lust, rationale, guilt, stress, and relaxation all within the space of a single day. ain't this roller coaster fun?

how's that for a rambling and scatterbrianed entry?

i'm off to read my new book- diary by chuck Palahniuk. Thanks, kitten, for the recommendation!

-sebastian