i had the wierdest fucking dream last night. i wasn't even asleep, which is why it was so wierd. it was one of those things where you're half asleep and you look around your room and things are the same as normal, but for some reason they're also SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP.
i have three alarm clocks, because i am not a morning person. two are bright blue and one is red. the blue ones are nearly night-light bright, such that once my eyes adjust to the light i can see the shape of fhe room, make out some details. not enough light for color though, so it's all black and white.
anyways. the red one isn't so bright, because red ones can't be. but i wake up from some kind of dream about something or other, but i'm not totally awake. the fan is going because it has been godlessly hot the last couple days here in town, and even down in the basement it's roasting, because it just baked all day and there was no cool air to suck in at night to cool things down, because even at midnight it was still like 75.
so that probably didn't help my state of mind, neither did the lack of sleep brought on my surprise-work back at the warehouse, at 7am, which is of course why i'm going to bed at 11 and waking with a start at maybe 1.
so i can't even describe the dream now, which must be disappointing. but it wasn't so much a series of events as much as a mood. i woke up and looked at my clocks and they were seriously bright, like glare all around them and everything, as if there was mist in the room or something. in retrospect, my eyes were probably just stiil asleep and not quite focused right.
but the lights were fuzzy wierd looking, and there was the buzzing from the fan which felt more like a roaring engine or something, and i could see my alarms were on but i was convinced that something was going to go horribly wrong when i woke up, like the end of the world or something. i thought i'd never be able to wake up if i didn't turn off the fan, it would drown out the alarms(impossible, they blare and that's why i have three) and i'd sleep all day and lose the temp job and who knows.
this is probably totally unimpressive but it felt pretty fucked up at the time.
i just read the last three months of al's journal and i want to talk about a bunch of important crap but nothing springs to mind. her entry about being sad struck a chord, lately i've been realizing that i kind of like being alone and melancholy most of the time, and most of my favorite cds are pretty melancholy too. dido, bjork, moby, the bladerunner soundtrack...
i can't tell if i'm a total poser and i'm not really morrissey, i''m just whiny and weak, or if i like being alone because it gives me good material to write from.
i do enjoy feeling a little down more than i do feeling totally up, and al's comment about the small victories is dead-on in that state. maybe i like being sad because it's so easy to be happy about something in that state, it doesn't take much to amuse me or lift my spirits. maybe i like it because i know that i'm so easily amused that it'll never turn into crippling depression. i mean, my god, i have a room full of fucking action figures and legos and shit. i am the most easily entertained person i know, all it takes to make me happy is an sd gundam capsule toy.
i do want to write something that'll fit into the ouvre of melancholy 80s fantasy movies. basically, early ridley scott, blade runner and legend. those movies and most of my 'sad' music evokes a mindset and mood in my that .. i don't know, maybe it just makes me sad, i've never put that much thought to it to analyze the feeling. but i like it. if liking is the right word for melancholy.
i have three alarm clocks, because i am not a morning person. two are bright blue and one is red. the blue ones are nearly night-light bright, such that once my eyes adjust to the light i can see the shape of fhe room, make out some details. not enough light for color though, so it's all black and white.
anyways. the red one isn't so bright, because red ones can't be. but i wake up from some kind of dream about something or other, but i'm not totally awake. the fan is going because it has been godlessly hot the last couple days here in town, and even down in the basement it's roasting, because it just baked all day and there was no cool air to suck in at night to cool things down, because even at midnight it was still like 75.
so that probably didn't help my state of mind, neither did the lack of sleep brought on my surprise-work back at the warehouse, at 7am, which is of course why i'm going to bed at 11 and waking with a start at maybe 1.
so i can't even describe the dream now, which must be disappointing. but it wasn't so much a series of events as much as a mood. i woke up and looked at my clocks and they were seriously bright, like glare all around them and everything, as if there was mist in the room or something. in retrospect, my eyes were probably just stiil asleep and not quite focused right.
but the lights were fuzzy wierd looking, and there was the buzzing from the fan which felt more like a roaring engine or something, and i could see my alarms were on but i was convinced that something was going to go horribly wrong when i woke up, like the end of the world or something. i thought i'd never be able to wake up if i didn't turn off the fan, it would drown out the alarms(impossible, they blare and that's why i have three) and i'd sleep all day and lose the temp job and who knows.
this is probably totally unimpressive but it felt pretty fucked up at the time.
i just read the last three months of al's journal and i want to talk about a bunch of important crap but nothing springs to mind. her entry about being sad struck a chord, lately i've been realizing that i kind of like being alone and melancholy most of the time, and most of my favorite cds are pretty melancholy too. dido, bjork, moby, the bladerunner soundtrack...
i can't tell if i'm a total poser and i'm not really morrissey, i''m just whiny and weak, or if i like being alone because it gives me good material to write from.
i do enjoy feeling a little down more than i do feeling totally up, and al's comment about the small victories is dead-on in that state. maybe i like being sad because it's so easy to be happy about something in that state, it doesn't take much to amuse me or lift my spirits. maybe i like it because i know that i'm so easily amused that it'll never turn into crippling depression. i mean, my god, i have a room full of fucking action figures and legos and shit. i am the most easily entertained person i know, all it takes to make me happy is an sd gundam capsule toy.
i do want to write something that'll fit into the ouvre of melancholy 80s fantasy movies. basically, early ridley scott, blade runner and legend. those movies and most of my 'sad' music evokes a mindset and mood in my that .. i don't know, maybe it just makes me sad, i've never put that much thought to it to analyze the feeling. but i like it. if liking is the right word for melancholy.