seanbonner

Just write it.

It's officially the 2nd day of July. I leave for Japan in 10 days. Half of me feels completely unprepared for a trip like this, and the other half doesn't care. The only thing I really need to do between then and now is get a new laptop, and get on the plane. The last time I took a trip of this length was earlier this year when everything was hitting the fan and I and I just needed to get out of town, though then I just went to San Francisco which at this point is close to being a second home. I know a million people there and can pretty much get myself any place in town without asking someone how to get there so it's not really too big of a deal. Before that, well, I guess I've been on trips home (or to Caryn's family's house) in Florida for longer than this, but really my Honeymoon in Ireland was the last time I left the country for any real period of time. And Japan. I've never been. I've wanted to go for so long. When I lived in Chicago and was training in Bujinkan several times a week and spending far too much money on old Japanese toys I had several trips kind of planned out which all fell through at one point or another. It's looking back on those that actually convinced me to just run with this one. Joi helped talk me into it as well of course. The money I spent then on other things was a total waste. Sure I enjoyed whatever physical item I bought with it at the time but if I try and recall that feeling right now I can't, yet thinking of the trip to Ireland I mentioned earlier I can remember specific moments and feelings and things I know will be with me for the rest of my life. This is something I'm thinking a lot about going forward with my life from here - experiences will trump items every single time.

I've told a few friends recently about my current obsession, a word that my therapist shudders every time I use, with examining every little step I take and every action and trying to figure out two things. The first is why am I doing it, is it because I have a valid reason for it or not? If the only reason I can come up with is because it's what I did yesterday, well, that's just not good enough anymore. The second thing is what direction is this moving me in? Every single action we take moves us in some way. For the better or for the worse. Sure there are things you can do that don't move you at all, but you can argue that by choosing to not make something better you aren't helping and therefor even horizontal movement is negative. Maybe it's not, and maybe I'm insane, but I'm thinking a lot about this and really trying to make sure that whatever I'm doing is not only justified but also makes something better, even the smallest bit. A million small steps in the right direction add up eventually. And so do the steps in the wrong direction, so that's why it's important for me to make sure that even the little ones are positive.

I was listening to a song a friend wrote many years ago where he talks about being "afraid of good things happening" and I remembered how much I related to that when I heard it. This was when I was still living in Gainesville and I recall thinking about how I frequently put myself into situations that I knew could never work out in my benefit because that was an outcome I could depend on and that was a safer bet that something that might actually work out but I didn't know how. I worked with people I knew were only interested in what they got out of the deal and develop crushes on girls with boyfriends. It was the over reaching idea that knowing for sure something was going to fail was more comfortable that not knowing how it might actually work out. This was many years before I got married of course, but it's a thread I can see having woven itself into other parts of my life. It relates to what I was saying the other day about being afraid of saying some things to some people because of how they might react. I didn't know the outcome of saying something, but I knew I'd be miserable for not saying it, so I'd opt for the latter just because it was a sure thing. I'm putting myself in more and more uncomfortable situations and things where I don't know the outcome these days and it's good. I don't know where it's taking me and I'm OK with that. The experiences I'm getting along the way are worth it. Destination? Bah. I'll know when I get there. Until then, what's so wrong with good things happening?