I feel lost. Not that, "Oh shit, maybe if I go this way, I'll find my way back," kind of lost. Nope, I am so fucking lost, I've given up wandering and settled on the curl-up-and-die position. My brain is at an emotional stand still. My creative juices have expired and turned to fermented nuro-toxins. Is it this shit hole of an apartment I call a prison cell? Is it the financially downward spiral of a dead end job I keep because my boss has become my friend? At times I believe it is the alcohol. That unforgiving bitch that has replaced the beautiful mistress Mary Jane that has been locked away in a federal prison cell. Whatever it is, I have lost my way. I do not feel free. I do not feel whole. I have lost the passion that used to steer my ever wandering ship of a body. I have given up adventure for a life of ordinary. I am so bored, I feel as though my brain is in creative hibernation. Motivation is only a word to me, its meaning lost through inactivity. My brain hurts, my body is soft, my emotions are numb. This is it. This must be what death feels like. I have little time left. I can feel the end coming. Through all the things I have survived and weathered, this boredom is too much. It has swallowed my soul and consumed my fire. It is so dark when you near the end. So cold and lifeless. Even my numbness seems restless. Nothing more to do but close my eyes and hope for endless sleep to come quick.
domie:
I hope things have changed in the past 8 months !!