scylis

sometimes people don't seem real to me. i see them, i hear them, sometimes i smell them, but all of that just doesn't quite cut it without tactile reinforcement. i don't like touching people, you see. it bothers me on an utterly subconscious level for reasons i really can't explain. it just does, that's all i can tell you.

i feel so isolated because of it. especially because of the reactions my jumping at the slightest touch cause. i mean, what would you think when it's obvious that, for a second or so, someone you merely brushed up against or touched on the arm or shoulder was fighting the urge not to recoil in horror from your touch? or how about from my angle? how do you think it feels to have to fight the knee-jerk reaction to jump back from someone you might be at least a little attracted to and want to make a good impression to at the slightest touch from them?

once in a great while, i actually become accustomed to specific people touching me. my closest friends, for instance. and that was quite liberating. but... i think that's slipping away. i find myself blanching at the touch of even my best friend, as of late. that upsets me. makes me feel less connected. i don't want to feel disconnected with my best friend; that's kinda the opposite of the point behind them being your best friend.

isn't it?