With the 10 year of 9/11 upon us. I have been reflecting on my life for these past 10 years. Things i got wrong. Those i did right. Learning reality for the first time at 19 turning 20. From being a teenage kid to being a young man in one day.
I didn't realize that I actually was a man on that day until later. A few years after that I looked back and realized that is the day i actually joined the ranks of adulthood.
Innocence lost - Before this day I thought that while i had not tasted life fully yet, that I was smart enough to know the deal.
I was proven wrong. In one day I had my innocence taken from me, and replaced with something more amazing. I got to see the Heart of Man(and woman). I saw people doing good. I saw men and women go into the Fray. I saw them and realized one thing. . If ever someone was to hurt me like this again. I wanted to be able to shout back. To fight back.
I now knew how it felt to be helpless.
Then I felt the anger of a man whose family has been assaulted. I wanted to not only have the means to fight back, but to actively pursue those that have wronged us. My country had been assaulted. My family had been hurt. I wanted to do my part.
With my talents as well as temperance, I volunteered for the US Navy Submarine Service.
I spent the next year and a half training... to develop Crohn's Disease before i could go to my boat. It was to be the USS Nebraska Gold Crew.
That future never came to pass. Instead of being a Sailor in the US Navy, I am a Disabled Veteran making my way best I can. Not able to work full time because of Crohn's Intermittently in the hospital. Last time for close to a week. Doing my damnedest to avoid going to the hospital. Even though sometimes I should.
Until about a month ago that was my life. Still is to an extent. But I am done being broken.
The big thing I learned this decade. That I can be, and was broken. No more. still putting myself back together, and reaching back a little farther than this decade since the Towers Fell.
Before 9/11 and shortly thereafter I was an Actor. Going ot school to be an actor, and with acting as my aspiration. I loved to perform. I was good at it. When i get on stage. After all that practice. When i step into the role and do my best. My Mind,Body and spirit are one. Every fiber of my being is in the moment(same as when i am on a dance floor). The execution. the emotions, the delivery and the energy of the crowd.. I didn't even realize this until recently(and subsequently when I found hope again), but acting, dancing,band a few other arts for me bring me to a state of oneness. Of ecstasy
Acting for me is what I am meant to do.
Let me add a bit of back story to how I came to this conclusion. A couple months ago I was working at a local deli(a great part time job) when a woman asked me if I was an actor(i had gone into accents with a coworker being silly - my accent was a spot on Welsh accent), and on the spot she offered me a bit part in a small play. Without hesitating i said yes.
I was surprised at my lack of hesitation, the lack of caution that had become my way these past couple years.
I found out why during the first reading.
Learning a new character. learning a new play. To perform. I missed this. Even more than the military. This. The stage, the life of Theatre is what i missed more.
And here i have it again... but now I don't need to worry about success or failure.
If I am a, "failure," I still get to be on stage doing what I love. As for success. if it happens, i shan't stand in it's way, but that is not my aim. My aim is to perform. To be so in a moment that no other moment than this is the one that is. To have my mind, body, spirit in harmony. It's better than sex. (Not dogging sex, love it, want more of it), but it is.
That to me is Happiness.
So i shall do plays and not worry about if i make it or not. I will do the best I can. Learn to be better. Challenge myself so that i can do this thing I love to the best of my ability.
no matter what the outcome , my future is now this. My Dream is once again found. And the big difference between the me now(post broken) to the me before Life Happened. This me can appreciate it. I can do this. I know how to be happy. I have an Answer.
I didn't realize that I actually was a man on that day until later. A few years after that I looked back and realized that is the day i actually joined the ranks of adulthood.
Innocence lost - Before this day I thought that while i had not tasted life fully yet, that I was smart enough to know the deal.
I was proven wrong. In one day I had my innocence taken from me, and replaced with something more amazing. I got to see the Heart of Man(and woman). I saw people doing good. I saw men and women go into the Fray. I saw them and realized one thing. . If ever someone was to hurt me like this again. I wanted to be able to shout back. To fight back.
I now knew how it felt to be helpless.
Then I felt the anger of a man whose family has been assaulted. I wanted to not only have the means to fight back, but to actively pursue those that have wronged us. My country had been assaulted. My family had been hurt. I wanted to do my part.
With my talents as well as temperance, I volunteered for the US Navy Submarine Service.
I spent the next year and a half training... to develop Crohn's Disease before i could go to my boat. It was to be the USS Nebraska Gold Crew.
That future never came to pass. Instead of being a Sailor in the US Navy, I am a Disabled Veteran making my way best I can. Not able to work full time because of Crohn's Intermittently in the hospital. Last time for close to a week. Doing my damnedest to avoid going to the hospital. Even though sometimes I should.
Until about a month ago that was my life. Still is to an extent. But I am done being broken.
The big thing I learned this decade. That I can be, and was broken. No more. still putting myself back together, and reaching back a little farther than this decade since the Towers Fell.
Before 9/11 and shortly thereafter I was an Actor. Going ot school to be an actor, and with acting as my aspiration. I loved to perform. I was good at it. When i get on stage. After all that practice. When i step into the role and do my best. My Mind,Body and spirit are one. Every fiber of my being is in the moment(same as when i am on a dance floor). The execution. the emotions, the delivery and the energy of the crowd.. I didn't even realize this until recently(and subsequently when I found hope again), but acting, dancing,band a few other arts for me bring me to a state of oneness. Of ecstasy
Acting for me is what I am meant to do.
Let me add a bit of back story to how I came to this conclusion. A couple months ago I was working at a local deli(a great part time job) when a woman asked me if I was an actor(i had gone into accents with a coworker being silly - my accent was a spot on Welsh accent), and on the spot she offered me a bit part in a small play. Without hesitating i said yes.
I was surprised at my lack of hesitation, the lack of caution that had become my way these past couple years.
I found out why during the first reading.
Learning a new character. learning a new play. To perform. I missed this. Even more than the military. This. The stage, the life of Theatre is what i missed more.
And here i have it again... but now I don't need to worry about success or failure.
If I am a, "failure," I still get to be on stage doing what I love. As for success. if it happens, i shan't stand in it's way, but that is not my aim. My aim is to perform. To be so in a moment that no other moment than this is the one that is. To have my mind, body, spirit in harmony. It's better than sex. (Not dogging sex, love it, want more of it), but it is.
That to me is Happiness.
So i shall do plays and not worry about if i make it or not. I will do the best I can. Learn to be better. Challenge myself so that i can do this thing I love to the best of my ability.
no matter what the outcome , my future is now this. My Dream is once again found. And the big difference between the me now(post broken) to the me before Life Happened. This me can appreciate it. I can do this. I know how to be happy. I have an Answer.