at first i thought i was having a mild heart attack. a funny buzzing feeling in my chest, but i was still able to laugh my ass off.
i then thought i was hoplessly lost. disoriented, panick began to set in. making turns for no other reason then doing so because it just felt right. like some internal compass was guiding me. drove down the same dead end road twice. panic increases with shouts of "oh fuck! fuck fuck fuck!"
then i see it. a familiar intersection! eureka! home free! i know this intersection!
i make my way to the pacific coast highway! smooth sailing back to long beach.....or is it? on three different occasions i have this flash hit me that i dont recognize ANYTHING and have this fear that ive been driving the wrong direction. i stop singing and let out a "oh my fucking god NO!" then i see a building or a tree or a sign that i look at everyday on my commute and i go back to singing. whew.
it may have been the longest 20mile drive of my life. with my mouth so dry i could barely open it. i just got sick of having a kung fu grip on that steering wheel and my legs felt numb from maintaining the EXACT speed limit at all times, and ohhh did i so want to have a cigerette. oh and shit now my bladder is about to explode.
i find a parking spot, realize im out of smokes, the rite-aid is closed. so i go walking, after 11pm on a friday into the deep recesses of "the gay gehtto" of long beach to a little store run by tiny vietnamese men that dont speak engrish.
by now every drunk gay man in long beach seems to be on the streets and i feel like the two block walk back to the apartment is like trying to get a first down against the vaunted purple people eater defense of the minnesota vikings of the 1970's.
my nimble moves, darting around bushes, jumping curbs, ducking behind parked cars, eluding homo after homo as i feel their red hot stares on my sorry excuse for an ass. i block out the taunts, the cat calls and im in a zone. focused on my goal. the sanctity and safety of my apartment.
i reach home, fumble for the correct key as i cant open the door fast enough...im in! the door slams behind and is locked in one single motion.
my pants and belt are undone before i get up the steps and im peeing before im fully even in the bathroom. good aim luckily. yes. yes that feels good.
i make a drink, light a smoke and smile.
its good to be home.
i then thought i was hoplessly lost. disoriented, panick began to set in. making turns for no other reason then doing so because it just felt right. like some internal compass was guiding me. drove down the same dead end road twice. panic increases with shouts of "oh fuck! fuck fuck fuck!"
then i see it. a familiar intersection! eureka! home free! i know this intersection!
i make my way to the pacific coast highway! smooth sailing back to long beach.....or is it? on three different occasions i have this flash hit me that i dont recognize ANYTHING and have this fear that ive been driving the wrong direction. i stop singing and let out a "oh my fucking god NO!" then i see a building or a tree or a sign that i look at everyday on my commute and i go back to singing. whew.
it may have been the longest 20mile drive of my life. with my mouth so dry i could barely open it. i just got sick of having a kung fu grip on that steering wheel and my legs felt numb from maintaining the EXACT speed limit at all times, and ohhh did i so want to have a cigerette. oh and shit now my bladder is about to explode.
i find a parking spot, realize im out of smokes, the rite-aid is closed. so i go walking, after 11pm on a friday into the deep recesses of "the gay gehtto" of long beach to a little store run by tiny vietnamese men that dont speak engrish.
by now every drunk gay man in long beach seems to be on the streets and i feel like the two block walk back to the apartment is like trying to get a first down against the vaunted purple people eater defense of the minnesota vikings of the 1970's.
my nimble moves, darting around bushes, jumping curbs, ducking behind parked cars, eluding homo after homo as i feel their red hot stares on my sorry excuse for an ass. i block out the taunts, the cat calls and im in a zone. focused on my goal. the sanctity and safety of my apartment.
i reach home, fumble for the correct key as i cant open the door fast enough...im in! the door slams behind and is locked in one single motion.
my pants and belt are undone before i get up the steps and im peeing before im fully even in the bathroom. good aim luckily. yes. yes that feels good.
i make a drink, light a smoke and smile.
its good to be home.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
pixie_punch:
driving is always an adventure now that i am official sober driver of cube. oh these budding young alcoholics!
thecowboy:
dude, you seriously are the funniest muthatfucka evah.