schuldig

I just feel so damn depressed all the time. It started getting really bad once school started. I really don't want to be here. It's driving me absolutely crazy. Nothing makes it right and that's the worst part. I feel empty sometimes and too full of thought and emotion and filth the next. I can't make anyone happy let alone myself and I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I just fee so horrible. I feel like a failure. I feel useless. I feel like I never should have been born. I know that my parents never should have had children. They weren't bad parents but not exactly good either. They just weren't good for each other in the end.

I've been reading up on causes for depression and whatnot, and not just stress and the usual like you would think. I've read up on incidences that occur during birth that affect a persons personality and behaviours for their entire lives. I was a c-section baby, and I read several articles and papers on how birth by c-section can severely traumatize a child, leaving them feel torn from safety and always looking for that warm, safe place for the rest of their lives. Always feeling like they can't finish anything. A constant fear of being left alone and apprehensive about everything. Explains alot I think. Doesn't make it any easier to live through.

I feel so horrible all the time. I try so hard to be happy. I try my goddamn best to be fucking happy!!!!!!! I wish I coud be happy! I pray to the gods and any willing spirit or saint who may be listening to help me, to give me some sort of sign or answer. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy and make others happy. But I can't seem to. I always fuck things up. Is it all because of how I was born though? Is that the reason? If I hadn't been cut out of the womb though I would have died. I had my cord wrapped around my neck twice. I was also a breach-baby with my legs crossed in the lotus-position. Perhaps I was trying my hardest not to be born. Perhaps somehow, in my souls memory, I knew what heartache lie ahead and I was trying to prevent it. But they cut me out, ripped me from the womb and thus saving my life; but what kind of life did they save? What kind of life do I have? they saved misery that day. They saved misery and doubt and pain that day. They saved a life that would constantly question every decision, every move; that's not great at anything just moderately good at a few things; that's forever plagued by the dead and those that were never really alive to begin with.

Death seems to follow my familly. Strange deaths and fatal obssessions run in my family. Suicides, accidental deaths, murders, my family's history is stained by the blood of many and I feel it in me. I feel that maniacal, hungry, violent blood in me. My mother once inspired a man to kill himself. He loved her so much and when she left him he rode his motorcycle into a brick wall, leaving his helmet ontop of a picture of her behind. Death follows us. It's the secret friend of the family. One of the many secrets that my family doesn't talk about. I was never beaten, i was never molested or raped, I was never treated unfairly though at the time I may have thought I was. But we never talked about our blood or the certain gifts that my family have. Maybe that's why I was trying to kill myself as an unborn child. I feel damned, at times.

I tried to kill myself when I was ten. Slit one of my wrists. Did it the right way too - straight up the vein, not across. It's a cruel miracle that I'm still alive. A friend had found me and patched me up. We never spoke about it. I OD'd on pills in highschool and yet still woke up in the morning. I gave up on trying to kill myself because apparently I'm suppose to stick around for something. If I'm suppose to serve some purpose I wish someone would tell me what it is, then maybe I wouldn't be so upset and depressed all the time.

I'm just sad. Unbearably sad. And yet I'm still here, taking the abuse like I haven't a choice. Maybe I do and maybe I don't. I don't know. All I know is I'm sad and I'm ruinning peoples lives because of it.

I don't know what to do. I've been told I need to figure it out on my own but I just can't seem to do it. Is there something wrong with me? Am I that unfortunate, pathetic and inept?I feel like it.