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schuldig

Athens

Member Since 2005

Followers 96 Following 128

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Friday Jul 14, 2006

Jul 14, 2006
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EDIT: 11:27pm

BAH!!! Eight hours of working on your feet really calms ones nerves. biggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrin

~T

----------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I could just fade away. Just disappear and be no more. Maybe it's just me, perhaps I'm entirely too emotional, but I've been in so much pain lately. Everything is painful. I see people being happy and it pains me because for some reason, relationships in my life seem to be slipping towards extinction and no matter how hard I try to prevent it I just seem to make things worse and their steady decline that more steep.

I'm losing my mind to this pain. I've been crying for two weeks straight at the smallest things. I don't want to hurt anymore. This morning I woke up and the space inbetween my shoulders hurt so much I cried, as if there were a knife there. Perhaps it's a sign. And the scar that George and I made on my shoulder burned. I know it may sound hokey, but I have certain scars on my body representing certain people and w hen something unfortunate is or is about to happen they burn or itch.

Neither of these signs bode well.

SO my one wish is that I may be let to disappear. Fade from everyone's memory so that I will cause no pain in my passing. No one else deserves the pain I feel in my heart and soul and mind - no one else deserves to feel this anguish and uncertainty. These tears should have dried up ages ago but they keep coming and won't stop. My eyes seem to be connected to an undying fount. But such is my burden, my cross since birth. I feel too much and in turn hurt myself irrepairably. Maybe I should just never love again, never smile again, never laugh again....and then maybe without those I will truly fade from the worlds view.

But no, I worry and I wait and I sit in this pain like a great miasma surrounding me. Please, for your own safety don't touch me, it will hurt you too.

There is no light but the brilliance that harrolds our destruction. It is slow in coming and that in itself is a brilliantly devised torture. They say that the sensation of pain, in any form, is neccesary so that we will revel even more in the pleasures we are granted. Well I fear that those pleasures will now forever be withheld from me. There is something very bad going to happen and I don't think I can stop it this time.

Perhaps, by the gods' grace I will be granted one small miracle before then - that I should disappear.

~T

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