schmelectra

there are a few things in life that i loathe.
loathe
this is about one of them.
it's how people talk about the mentally ill.
i really can't stand it. i would prefer not to think that i am mentally ill, but i think in some very small way i totally am. before you get all like, 'what?!'. that's what people with clinical depression are. my 'mental health issues' euphemism downgrades the situation, but when it comes to it i am technically mentally ill. i take medication for my condition. it saves my life every goddamn day. i've seen/ heard people say, ad nauseum, blah blah blah 'happy pills' are bad, i don't want to be with someone who needs pills to make them happy, ____ kind of doctors don't know what they are doing and will just try to force you to take pills, etc. So my rant about psychiatric medicine and practice thereof is as follows.
Mental illness is a disease of the brain, follow? Something is wrong with the chemicals in my brain. They don't work right. My perception of everyday events, emotions... well pretty much everything is at least a little skewed. It isn't just the random insecurity that most people feel. When i feel it, i usually feel like i wish i were dead, or i should be dead, or wouldn't this be easier to deal with if i were dead, or at the very least- none of these people around me really even like me they wouldn't give a shit if i were dead. So you see it's a little bit more serious than your average 'i think those people are laughing at me' i think that too, and then it is followed by: no one really likes me, why should they, i'm unlovable and so on and so on, until i get to the part about being dead. I guess i should add that i used to do that. I don't anymore. You know why? Medication. yep. I'm still bitter, sarcastic, mean, cranky old Sarah, it's just that i don't feel like i should be dead. Now, here is the caveat. Not everyone who goes to see a psychiatrist/ therapist/ psychologist needs to be on medication. You can not trust every doctor that you stumble upon to fuck with your brain chemistry. You just can't. Psychiatry is a bizarre science in that no one really knows how to determine which neurotransmitters aren't working. The only way they can even make a guess is to ask questions and gauge your answers. Usually people with less than normal _____ neurotransmitter exhibit ____ kinds of behavior, shit like that. Unfortunately no one tells you that there is a good reason for you to be completely honest with these doctors, no one tells you that your treatment hinges on your complete honesty. I don't know why that is. So when you are a mental health patient, you have to be proactive. if you don't feel 'right' you have to call someone and tell them what is wrong. in detail. now i don't know why no one tells you how important this part is either. it seems like everyone has an 'i knew this person and they were on prozac and they totally freaked out and almost died! therefore prozac = the devil.' sort of story. but you really just have to communicate with your doctors and you can prevent that. i have my own story like that. it sucked. but had i been more open with my therapist and more vocal about how wretched i was feeling, i might not have that story. trouble is i didn't know. also, most doctor will only recommend that you start taking drugs. and if you don't like that advice (or your doctor), this is the important part, change doctors!
And back to ethics of anti-depressants... people who don't think i should be on them, who think i should take some herbal shit or exercise, people who tell me i shouldn't take those drugs because they aren't old enough for anyone to know what the long terms side effects are, i tell those people to go get fucked. i am at a point in my life where i can be happy for days at a time, i can have a meaningful relationship, i can connect with other people, i can make new friends, i can be me and not be afraid. I will not allow them to belittle my success. it took me all of my life to get to a point most people were at when they were 6 years younger than me. but i'm here. and i don't care what it took to get me here. even if i die in 30 years because of the drugs i'm on now, it'll be 32 more years than i would have lived with out them. See what i mean? I don't really care what they are doing to me, because i feel like i got a stay of execution.