schmelectra

ok. here goes.
Charles in cheese is coming to work in my store. He has been working at another store (within the company)- we haven't worked together for years. When we did work together (about three years ago) we had a huge mutual crush. Nothing came of it. Last march he looked me up online and sent me an email and his phone #. The first night i called him we talked for almost 3 hours. It was amazing. At one point he sorta asked me out on a date... we met up a few nights later and again talked for hours. We shut down the bar, we went down the street to eat, shut that place down too, and ended up on the street in front of my building still getting caught up.
He tried to kiss me, but i had a boyfriend and shied away. We hugged for a long time and then parted ways. That night i remembered why i had such a huge crush on him. I really wanted to ditch the boyfriend ( didn't like him that much, but he was really nice to me...), but i wasn't sure if i should... I thought about it good and hard, and i decided that if i really couldn't come up with any other reason to stay with my boyfriend besides 'he's nice to me' than i should probably break up with him anyway.
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i tend to date guys that are disposable. if i don't like them, then it doesn't matter what they do to me or how they treat me. (yeah i know, i see a therapist, i'm workin' on it ...) the boyfriend was one of those.
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so i did, and that night Charles came over. He did spend the night, but we both slept in our clothes and just held each other. The following two months were just as sweet and amazing as the first. I really liked him and it seemed like he really liked me, and everything was great. Until he went out of town and 'forgot' to tell me. I was upset, and he didn't get home for somewhere around 7 days. By that time i had given up on him. Then i get a text message briefly explaining what had happened. He called me that night, we had a big long talk, i told him that i was sorta upset, but seeing as there was a legitimate reason, i'd get over it. he told me that he figured that i was going to break up with him, and so he was pretty much over the whole thing.
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I have this thing, this... hang up... i don't want people to know i've got a touch of the crazy. Shit, i've got a little more than a touch of the crazy. So i try really damn hard to hold 'the crazy' in. I'm pretty good at it by now. Only i think that it might not be doing me any favors. I think i probably tend to come off as cold and uncaring, when really i'm just trying not to look/feel like a lunatic.
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All i said was 'ok'. He wanted more from me but all he got was ' i think that is really dumb. i think that is a dumb reason to break up with someone, but if that's it then that's it.' we talked for a little longer and promised to still be friends. I sobbed when we hung up. I didn't want him to know how badly he hurt me, i didn't want anyone to know. So i put on my game face and went on with life. He has since been the target of a handful of drunk dials, and i feel really weird about that. the only reason i did it was because i miss him, but how to explain that?

I am going to see my therapist on tuesday. She is going to prescribe me a second medication to help my social anxiety and lower my libido. The libido thing will be a side effect, but a welcome one. I a m really pretty out of control. When i hooked up with the guy who's moving, i was nearly feral. I went out that night and i knew i wasn't coming home. I didn't care who it was. You see, i get like that. I am too shy to meet people under normal circumstances. so i'll be alone until i can't take it, then i'll go looking for someone, anyone, because i'm lonely and wind up with some random dude that i don't really like. When that is over, i'll be angry at myself, and tell myself that i didn't deserve any better. I acted like a whore, therefore it follows that i get treated like one. The whole situation is quite the mess. Larisa wants to put me on an ssri to help the social anxiety thing. i hope it works. because i can't continue like this. when i got the brush off from Cliffton (the most recent guy), i actually said to Larisa that i wasn't sure why i expected to be treated like anything else besides a piece of ass.
what a profound statement. i stick with guys that treat me like shit because i don't think i can do any better. empirical evidence shows i can't, only every asshole that i mess around with only proves that theory more and more.
This all relates to the Charles thing because in a few days i'm going to be working with him again, and i'm just not sure how i feel about that.