So how about an update ladies and gentlemen.
Slouched here in a sour mood ...with pressures built up to the breaking point and Im supposed to be on break.
Im sorry if dad is sick, and Im sorry that he only gets better when I come home, and Im sorry that his being sick means more work for you to do .. but godamnit dont take it out on me.
Im sorry that the basement got ruined a few weeks before christmas and you had to take the tree down and return some of the gifts so that you could pay for the reparations.. but godamnit don't take it out on me.
I have my own frustrations to worry about and unlike you I don't make others aroud me angry when Im dealing with something. You taking your frustrations out on me like you and your family have done to me my whole life has not helped me in anyway except to know that I will not do this to my children when/if I do have my own children. This is not an environment for spiritual or mental growth.
No wonder I have self esteem issues... because Im always too small, too weak, I don't take anything seriously enough,
NO!!
Im too much of a calming influence around here. You parade around like the world is on your shoulders and you've thrown that weight onto my father and now hes broken down about it. Yes he still loves you and yes I still love you and yes we are still one big happy family but c'mon this just isn't healthy.
Im supposed to be on my break dammit.... and now there is no christmas spirit (something I needed to relax and refresh my energy) Just a torn and tarnished basement where I have to sleep on a matress with a pillow and a blanket and have to walk around in my shoes so I don't cut my feet. A living room with only enough room for one to enjoy.
Im at my student house and I feel like a loner because I don't party or drink like they do (which is all the time) Im at my house and I feel like a loner because I've been put in the tattered remains of our basement.
Its nobodies fault really and I don't blame anyone but I just needed to vent about this ... because there are so many things building up in me right now and this... this ... this website is the only place I can do it and feel safe that its not connected to anyone I know in the real world.. that I can privately vent in anger, desperation, happiness, whatever feeling Im feeling and not have to worry about someone in the real world confronting me about it.
Tomorrow we play a show at Moe's Tavern... Im excited to get on stage and rip it... but guess what .. we had a fight at band practise.. well an arguement really. I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE CRITISM AND THEN WHEN THEY FIRE IT AT ME THEY EXPECT ME TO SMILE!!!! Just because I have the ability to seperate these comments into business comments or insults or shots or whatever you want to call them instead of personal like you do doesn't mean you can pull other members of the band aside and talk shit about me or other members of the band that agree with me. Get over yourself because your a cool dude and we all like you .. we are not trying to attack you.
I get this feeling that this girl that I've had a crush on since my first year at Mohawk (who has a boyfriend) has a crush on this guy who is a pretty decent friend of mine ... a good guy all around and fun to hang out with. What gets me pissed about this is that she doesn't have a crush on me... like at all. I AM FUCKING SICK TO DEATH OF PEOPLE COMPLIMENTING ME WHEN IM DOWN AND NOT MEANING IT!!!! FUCK OFF IF YOUR NOT GOING TO PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS!!! I CAN'T BE THAT FUCKING REPULSIVE CAN I!!!! There was this other girl who said that she thought I was something that all girls would want. I was cute, funny, kind, sincere, and sweet and then I played like I wanted to ask her out and she was all acting like I had leprocy or something. I wanted to slap her or yell at her cuz I felt so lied to, but thats off topic. This girl is perfect. Shes very beautiful on the inside and out .. but not conventionally beautiful just a face that you can't stop looking at because its so cute and a warmness that I am just drawn too. I get the feeling she knows how I feel. I have told her I love her but that was under the auspicies of friendship. Shes comming to the show tomorrow too.. but what gets me is that there are times when I've felt like I was connecting with her and times when I felt like our energies were comming together and even though she had this boyfriend of a few years I had always felt like we could possibly end up together some how. But now she is going after this guy that she has nothing in common with.... hes a player a charmer and a user and she sees that but she still seems smitten with him.
Case in point: (please tell me I could be over-analysing this) We are sitting in our little group there are us 3 and a few others... very cool people.. and somehow the discussion turns to the dude asking that a few of these people at the table had seen her without make-up on, he was curious what that looked like.. then he said I bet you still look beautiful. (Now correct me if Im wrong but thats hitting on her yes?... not only is the line about beautiful, charming, but isn't the whole asking about the make-up thing being that he wants to sleep with her and see her in the morning).
and so the next day she comes to school without her make-up on and makes all gooey faces at him to see if he'd notice. He didn't until someone pointed it out. I noticed within the hour but not right away.
I suppose its none of my business really. The heart wants what it wants right.. its just no ones heart wants me.
Im almost frustrated to tears over these few things.
There is only so much that I can deal with
all this topped off with the pressure of being forced to move out of the house next semester. Having to 100% support myself next semester.
I kinda feel like Im about to fall to pieces and Im just trying to hold it together because my family needs a strong caring face, the guys in the band need a solid front man, this girl needs not know how I feel because it will ruin our friendship which I value.
and all in all Im alone with my raging storm trying to pilot a large vessel through the tempest.
But doesn't it take more than one person to go through this... am I really an island unto myself.
Im gonna go back and watch carnivale. c-ya guys
music: Eighteen Visions - the awesome last song on vanity
mood: I don't know what to do anymore... I really don't.
Slouched here in a sour mood ...with pressures built up to the breaking point and Im supposed to be on break.
Im sorry if dad is sick, and Im sorry that he only gets better when I come home, and Im sorry that his being sick means more work for you to do .. but godamnit dont take it out on me.
Im sorry that the basement got ruined a few weeks before christmas and you had to take the tree down and return some of the gifts so that you could pay for the reparations.. but godamnit don't take it out on me.
I have my own frustrations to worry about and unlike you I don't make others aroud me angry when Im dealing with something. You taking your frustrations out on me like you and your family have done to me my whole life has not helped me in anyway except to know that I will not do this to my children when/if I do have my own children. This is not an environment for spiritual or mental growth.
No wonder I have self esteem issues... because Im always too small, too weak, I don't take anything seriously enough,
NO!!
Im too much of a calming influence around here. You parade around like the world is on your shoulders and you've thrown that weight onto my father and now hes broken down about it. Yes he still loves you and yes I still love you and yes we are still one big happy family but c'mon this just isn't healthy.
Im supposed to be on my break dammit.... and now there is no christmas spirit (something I needed to relax and refresh my energy) Just a torn and tarnished basement where I have to sleep on a matress with a pillow and a blanket and have to walk around in my shoes so I don't cut my feet. A living room with only enough room for one to enjoy.
Im at my student house and I feel like a loner because I don't party or drink like they do (which is all the time) Im at my house and I feel like a loner because I've been put in the tattered remains of our basement.
Its nobodies fault really and I don't blame anyone but I just needed to vent about this ... because there are so many things building up in me right now and this... this ... this website is the only place I can do it and feel safe that its not connected to anyone I know in the real world.. that I can privately vent in anger, desperation, happiness, whatever feeling Im feeling and not have to worry about someone in the real world confronting me about it.
Tomorrow we play a show at Moe's Tavern... Im excited to get on stage and rip it... but guess what .. we had a fight at band practise.. well an arguement really. I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE CRITISM AND THEN WHEN THEY FIRE IT AT ME THEY EXPECT ME TO SMILE!!!! Just because I have the ability to seperate these comments into business comments or insults or shots or whatever you want to call them instead of personal like you do doesn't mean you can pull other members of the band aside and talk shit about me or other members of the band that agree with me. Get over yourself because your a cool dude and we all like you .. we are not trying to attack you.
I get this feeling that this girl that I've had a crush on since my first year at Mohawk (who has a boyfriend) has a crush on this guy who is a pretty decent friend of mine ... a good guy all around and fun to hang out with. What gets me pissed about this is that she doesn't have a crush on me... like at all. I AM FUCKING SICK TO DEATH OF PEOPLE COMPLIMENTING ME WHEN IM DOWN AND NOT MEANING IT!!!! FUCK OFF IF YOUR NOT GOING TO PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS!!! I CAN'T BE THAT FUCKING REPULSIVE CAN I!!!! There was this other girl who said that she thought I was something that all girls would want. I was cute, funny, kind, sincere, and sweet and then I played like I wanted to ask her out and she was all acting like I had leprocy or something. I wanted to slap her or yell at her cuz I felt so lied to, but thats off topic. This girl is perfect. Shes very beautiful on the inside and out .. but not conventionally beautiful just a face that you can't stop looking at because its so cute and a warmness that I am just drawn too. I get the feeling she knows how I feel. I have told her I love her but that was under the auspicies of friendship. Shes comming to the show tomorrow too.. but what gets me is that there are times when I've felt like I was connecting with her and times when I felt like our energies were comming together and even though she had this boyfriend of a few years I had always felt like we could possibly end up together some how. But now she is going after this guy that she has nothing in common with.... hes a player a charmer and a user and she sees that but she still seems smitten with him.
Case in point: (please tell me I could be over-analysing this) We are sitting in our little group there are us 3 and a few others... very cool people.. and somehow the discussion turns to the dude asking that a few of these people at the table had seen her without make-up on, he was curious what that looked like.. then he said I bet you still look beautiful. (Now correct me if Im wrong but thats hitting on her yes?... not only is the line about beautiful, charming, but isn't the whole asking about the make-up thing being that he wants to sleep with her and see her in the morning).
and so the next day she comes to school without her make-up on and makes all gooey faces at him to see if he'd notice. He didn't until someone pointed it out. I noticed within the hour but not right away.
I suppose its none of my business really. The heart wants what it wants right.. its just no ones heart wants me.
Im almost frustrated to tears over these few things.
There is only so much that I can deal with
all this topped off with the pressure of being forced to move out of the house next semester. Having to 100% support myself next semester.
I kinda feel like Im about to fall to pieces and Im just trying to hold it together because my family needs a strong caring face, the guys in the band need a solid front man, this girl needs not know how I feel because it will ruin our friendship which I value.
and all in all Im alone with my raging storm trying to pilot a large vessel through the tempest.
But doesn't it take more than one person to go through this... am I really an island unto myself.
Im gonna go back and watch carnivale. c-ya guys
music: Eighteen Visions - the awesome last song on vanity
mood: I don't know what to do anymore... I really don't.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
germany:
damn kiddo... don't take it personal ... i think you're absolutely fabulous. it will all pass real soon....
boondock_saint:
act like you don't give a shit, then they will come to you. hell it worked for me. and good luck at the show. 