scattershot

I just got out of half hour really hot really theraputic shower. I started to cry a little under the water. The first time I had done that with all these new circumstances.

first of all, I was incorrect when I said severe panic attack. My father suffered a nervous breakdown. His whole body gave up on him and he couldn't move except shake and he kept saying incoherent things about whatever....

...Im sorry its pretty hard for me tyep all this.

I went home a day early to surprise my family and see him, because if I just gone to my moms birthday party brunch thing I wouldn't have gotten to see my dad and tell him I love him... but

hes like a completley different person now. He used to joke around and be funny and energetic and now hes just sitting there and he doesn't smile anymore. Hes taking anti-depressants and everything and he doesn't even know what hes taking and what it does.

My mom is in even worse of a spot. All weekend she was crying by herself or crying to me. Its really hard on her, she thought he was having a heart attack... and with his high blood pressure this will add more of a chance of a heart attack.

My dad has only three things that he cares about. His family, his job, and the church. He finds his job terribly important and hes always had to prove that he made the right choice in working where hes working and if he can't go back to work he's just going to waste away at home, but if he goes back to work there is risk of him having some sort of breakdown or panic attack there.... its a terrible double edged sword right now.

I have learned though that life isn't always going to be the same way it is and things can change on a dime... maybe its time I start realizing who and what is important in my life and start to focus on that.

I have this stupid class project thing to do today and I don't know how good a job I can do on that.

I may break down myself if I find out I failed this math test on monday.

On a happier note; my moms b-day brunch was really nice. She wasn't visibly upset anymore when she was with her family and everyone was having a good time. This was nice because of all the times she was crying into my arms on saturday she really needed a break from sadness on sunday and she got it. We all ate really well too which was good Im not really gonna eat anything else today thats for sure.

anyway I guess thats all of an update I can give you right now. It was a very saddening saturday for me but there is some promise my mom had said that dad seemed a little better being surprised in my comming home. I told him if he ever wanted to talk all he had to do was call me on my cell phone and we sat and watched the godfather on tv while he rested. That was nice.

peace, love and soul
Scattershot.

p.s. I love all of you guys ... some of you are like my best friends. I hope to meet a lot of you in real life one day. Thank you for your support.

music: Armsbendback - Last Goodbye
mood: Im certainly not feeling terrific today thats for sure.