scattershot

Okay so I need to vent for a little while because there is no one to talk to who would understand.

I mean in my life right now are a bunch of casual aquaintances who claim their lives revolve around hip hop, alcohol, drugs, sex, or school. No one seems to be three dimensional enough to deal with multiple problems. The guys in my band who are great, probably my best friends but they live farther away and I only get to see them once or twice a week. The people in my house are not my friends, I understand that now. We make nice during the week so we don't all go crazy and then on the weekend we all do our own thing. Right now one of them is out in the living room with his friends from school drinking and watching tv, perhaps Im far too weird to be invited to this little gathering and if I went out and sat down there I'd feel too much like Im imposing. It seems like they don't have anything to deal with.

and maybe Im giving myself too much credit for thinking that I have SO many problems to deal with.

all this mental crazyness started with noticing a gigantic bald spot on the crown of my head. I mean maybe if I hold my head high nobody would notice .. but jesus why does this bald bullshit happen to young men. Especially guys like me who rely on an interesting look to meet people. I don't stand out enough for people to want to take notice of me unless I look fresh and stylistic. How am I going to accomplish meeting people without that style and comfort that my hair used to provide me. I know you are all saying in your head right now that thats bullshit but mygod everyone that has had any significant impact in my life (outside of my family) has come to me because they thought I looked cool or that I had some spark in my appearance that carried over in my personality. I mean you know why I have a problem talking to girls, because I've never done it before. I mean I've never asked a girl out before. There I said it. I've had two girlfriends in high school who asked me out and those relationships never lasted longer than 2 weeks. For those of you going gasp is he a virgin, well thats not really your damn business but no I am not (and this is further fucked up bullshit) I've had a one night stand at high school graduation and a fuck buddy on residence at college last year. So once again I've never experience a kind of attatchement in regards to sex... just desperate I don't want to be alone anymore attempts at intamacy.

Im socially stunted in growth and have been relying on appearance for first impressions since my personality and social skills don't get me any good first impression at all.

Since this is a big deal to me, and I don't care if you don't think it should be ... because it is. I did some research and there is currently NOTHING that can be done about it. At least nothing that can restore it to its full/former potential. The only comforting thing I learned was that hair loss was not caused by Hair dye/hat wear/too much sex/masterbation I also learned that shaving your head doesn't make your hair grow in thicker, that changing your diet to include more vitamins and minerals will not make your hair grow thicker either that there is no way to determine what can be done with your head of hair due to the differences in patterns of baldness.

Jesus I never thought that it would be that important to me that I would ramble on like this and be seriously fucked in the mind about it but its a part of my identity a big part of my physically appearance and comforting sense of security that yes I am a pretty good looking person.... even if I don't always believe it I always know in the back of my mind that I have good features and a good head of hair.

To all of you guys on my friends list with the same problem I commend you on how blahzay you are about it. But then maybe its because you have support in your life .. and maybe its becuase your life has purpose. I have no fucking purpose in my life no fucking worth besides being someone who looks good so I can meet people and hopefully find a purpose.

All I am is a vain, slightly intelligent, insecure loser who is only good at picking music and other good expensive material goods that mean nothing in the long run.

I don't really deserve a lot of what I have yet I feel like there should always be more. More anything because I get bored so easily with myself and the world around me that there isn't enough to keep me occupied.

The future is really starting to scare me, all I see is a desk job somewhere that I care little about and no one caring anything about short, fat, bald, baggy eyed me sitting hunched over the desk barely getting his work done. Going home to a small apartment to nothing ... probably only to talk to people on the internet and vent on sites like this about how no one pays attention to short, fat, bald, bagggy eyed me sitting hunched over the desk barely getting my work done.

Its a vain world and I won't be fitting into it much longer. Not that I do fit into it very well but I have my little nook carved out and I enjoyed it. I know nothing lasts forever but I would of liked my hair to have gone with my face, not before it.

There is nothing I can do right now except keep typing and hope some soul would read this and maybe take pity on me who doesn't deserve your pity.

My eye feels better at least.

So to recap I don't have much in my life except vanity and thats trying to leave me now too. So everything in my life ends up leaving and Im probably going to be alone in the future wondering why the fuck am I alone.

Why the fuck do people turn their tvs up so loud so as to interrupt my train of thought when songs Im playing end and there is that 2 seconds of silence that drives me crazy.

The funny thing is is that I'll feel better about this in the morning. I get seriously depressed like this on the nights that I sit in front of the computer with no one with me.

signing off

muisc: The BEautiful Mistake - For A Friend ...
mood: Im loosing my vanity, the one piece of decadence that gave me comfort.

At least tomorrow I get to see Funeral for a Friend, Atreyu, and Taking Back Sunday. That'll get my mind off of this

but then on monday I get to put the final nail in the coffin of my math class. Failure is not flattering.