scattershot

Dear Diary
Dear Website
Dear people who read this

have you ever had a friend who through no fault of their own made you feel like the biggest loser in the world for being their friend.
for example I have a friend who is probably the most well liked person in the world. I mean I hang out with him and everybody like to talk to him and stuff and I figure that when they are talking to him that I am also involved in the conversation, I mean after all they listen to what I say and they laugh when I make jokes and they tend to seem like they are really friendly.
However.... I could not have felt more disrepected by a bunch of these people when they walk by us they are all Hi or Heeeeeey or hows it goin "Friends name here" and they don't even look at me or acknowledge my pressence or care to even give me the courtesy of a hello when we see these people.
These are of course really beautiful girls. So when I think about this I think. Really beautiful girls lreally ike my friend and "put up with me" when Im around. These same really beautiful girls don't give me the time of fucking day if its just me or even sometimes when its our group hanging out.
conclusions: Pretty girls don't think Im good enough to acknowledge my existence.

I am jack's eternally wounded sense of pride and self confidence.

Its funny how I came so far along in pulling myself out of this whole self loathing depressed funk that I was in for the longest time only to be kicked back down into it over this small act of dissrespect. I can't stand to be judged right away, I mean if they even took the time to get to know me they'd probably think more of me than they do of my friend. Im like a three dimensional person and he kisses ass and makes people laugh... but everyone seems to just ignore me.

fuck I am almost breaking down, because I hate to be ignored.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I hate people.

music: Thursday - Between Rapture and Rupture
mood: I put up walls to keep people out and then wonder why no one tries to get in and then think that its because Im not good enough for them but really I make it to hard.