scarsdaleloriat

I am so alone.

I haven't been this lonely in a long time. Almost a year...

There once was a girl, a girl who brightened the life of a young lad who'd lost all hope in life. He'd been locked away, and no one was with him. Before when he had been in locked away, he had someone there...someone to talk with. Now he had no one. He was scared, he was tired of fighting...He was alone... And he was ready to die. At any time, just let it happen, he would say. I don't care anymore, I'm finished. You wore me out. You'll break me, fine, but I'm done. You broke me and then you killed me.

But then this girl, she came into the picture. In his pain, the lad had lost all certainty in the future, and any compassion for human life. So he scrounged a digital spider's-web to find a quick lay. Who cares what age she is? She'll get over it. Who cares if I never call her again? She's just another worthless life.

But he'd found her...A gem, perfection. Nothing ever tainted her. She had a smile that he could see from miles away, and something touched him... Suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel. He was no longer alone.

He gave everything to her and asked nothing but her love in return. Whenever she cried, he felt like his world was burning, and he cradled her in his arms and let her sob against her chest. Every tear, he would think, every tear is because she worries about me. I am the cause of her pain. But because she loved him so much, he dismissed the thought at her request.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel. He was no longer alone.

Then she asked of him something he felt the impossible. She asked him to take her; to make her a woman. He didn't think he could have the power, by a simple half-hour of thrusts that he could change this girls perception and ideals. Yet still he was nearly parylyzed with fear at this. He didn't want to do that, to ruin this girl's innocense. He knew, somewhere, deep inside him, that this would ruin everything they had.

But he remembered her. He remembered how every time he returned to his prison, that just that beaming smile, that sweet voice, could touch him from lightyears away, and he was calm. He was in a prison of torment, but it was her that kept him moving, working. He was the cause of her worry, and he did everything he could not to worry her...just because of this one girl. She had given him something, something special. No one had ever loved him this way. Never. Others told him it was fake, but he never believed it.

He was no longer alone.

So he took her. He swore upon his grave that he would never hurt her, that he would never leave her. Somehow, he convinced himself that he must love her twice as much; he must love her forever.

And he proposed.

And she accepted.

And he would never be alone. The light at the end of the tunnel...

The memories did not last, and yet they always would. She had changed, and he had changed her. But it was good. For her, at least. But he had sworn himself to her. He was more loyal than God himself. He was her's, and she was his. Or so he'd thought.

It was a dark night, and it rained heavily when he called her from his jail. His sister, her sister, answered. She told him. The girl was out, and she would never be in. It was over.

Their sister ended it all. And it was his fault.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel...but it was a freight train in the end, and God how he wished he had jumped in it's way...

He was alone.

That day, he died. And he did not live for a long time...

That lad died in jail, for when she'd come to him she'd filled a part of him that had never been able to be filled. But when she left, something even bigger, even worse was torn out.

She'd destroyed his heart. And it was that lad's fault.


That lad is me. That gem in my eye, that girl, my ex-fiance, was Katrina Thomas.

Say what you will about my situation, none of you know what it was like.

It began like this....

Tonight, I was reading my friend's LiveJournal. Her song for the post, "Layla", the Eric Clapton version. I played it over in my head... I loved that song once, why did I stop.

And then I remembered. I remembered his OTHER song, my song. Katrina's song. Our song. "Wonderful Tonight", Eric Clapton.

It played over, and I realized something.

I'm not over her. Not one bit, and I don't think I ever will.

I really did die that day, I let my head rest down on the table and I spoke to God like he was there. And I said, and I quote, "God, if you're listening, it's done...I can't do this again. I just know it now. It just hit me, and that was the deciding blow. I'm done. And whether you end my mortal life or not, I'm going to die now. Thank you for listening..."

I slept on that table for the night. I didn't move for days from my bed. When I did, it was to use the bathroom. I didn't eat, I just slept. And cried.

Goddamnit, how I cried. I don't think it's ever stopped inside. Even now... God...

I realize now that almost everything that's happend in my life since that day has been for her. I left that "jail" because of her. I couldn't stay alive if I stayed there. I haven't done anything important with my life because I just don't have the will like I used to. I... Jesus, I dated women to cover her up, I slept with women to forget her. Everything has been to leave her behind. And I just can't do it.

So I dug up every fucking single song I ever listened to when I was dead. And I got out my finished poetry book. And I added another two new poems to it, and I'll add another twenty by the end of the night. And I will sit here, with a bottle of Woodpecker Cider and the music of Nine Inch Nails, "Hurt; Flaw, "My Letter"; "See You On The Other Side", Ozzy Osbourne. And "Wonderful Tonight", by Eric Clapton.

And I will be alone...

God, I am so alone...