satire_

It is a funny thing how our lives are shaped by our experiences. For example, I get nostalgic when I walk into a hardware store and smell the air. I love the feel of chicken feed between my fingers. Standing in a quiet church moves me to tears.
A memory like that snuck up on me today when I was arranging my bookshelf
I will never read Maya Angelous Phenomenal Woman without blushing furiously. Why? Hmm It started with a creative punishment from my choral director.. Well aware of my chronic stage fright, he made it a condition of my ongoing detention (dont ask ) to perform in the school talent showcase. In my usual smart-assed way, I figured the best way around singing in front of the entire student body was to dissect the semantics of the punishment.. He said perform and not sing Ha! So, I sweetly signed myself up to recite Phenomenal Woman (because I knew it by heart) without calling attention to what I had done.
Then I forgot.
Several weeks later, I pulled my head out of a book in the library to hear my friend gushing about the song she was going to perform.. In twenty minutes. At the talent show. Fuck. Maybe I could get out of it I ran to the office to scheme, cajole, beg with no luck. I was right in the middle of the lineup between a country duet from a football player and a cheerleaderand a rendition of I Will Survive by the girl who pretends to faint for attention. Fan-fucking-tastic.I took a quick look in the mirror to see if there was any hope and of course, there wasnt. I was deep in smart girl camouflage: Dull brown hair in a messy ponytail with a pencil stuck through it, dark rimmed crooked glasses, (my glasses are always crooked), worn out jeans, my brothers extra large sweatshirt, ratty sneakers, and of course, not a single spot of makeup. Great.. The boy I had a crush on already called me Velma and asked me to say jinkies several times a day, so how much worse could it get?
I heard someone call my name. and I shuffled up to take the microphone from the jailbait in the cheer skirt, giving a withering look in response to her fake smile. All was silent, and I was certain that I was blushing so hard it was audible through the microphone. Oh well I took a deep breath, projected my voice, stared straight over the heads of the students, and jumped in.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Needless to say, it was not very well received by the populous of my small Southern high school.. In fact, that memory stayed with me as a humiliating moment.. Until a few years ago when a dear friend got me a book with the poem and Gauguin illustrations She had no idea of my experience, but on the inside cover she had written To the most Phenomenal Woman I have ever met . (oh baby I cried so hard ) That is what I stumbled across on my bookshelf, causing me to share this memory.
Looking back, I was a total geek-gasm.. and I rocked it so hard...but in the moment I was absolutely mortified and wanted to sink into the floor. And I still blush to think about it...Crazy.