satinlatin

So here I find myself alone again, accompanied by only my thoughts and the light snoring of my beagle... I find a peace sometimes writing in a forum in which I am not hidden from those that I do not know and am able to dissect my swirling thoughts at times... sometimes with an unabashed sincerity and openness... but because that risk is there, much like one might talk to a bartender about your innermost private matters... But tonight I am writing to you my darling. Yes I am reminiscing, not with tears, but with a smile and warm memories of the times that we have shared, recently, and a while back. Each moment plays back in my mind time after time. At times it has been utterly overwhelming for me, true, but each opening of my heart reveals a more stripped down version of what my feelings were and continue to be for you, just like peeling back the layers of an onion. I look back and I am completely amazed at how far you have traveled, how despite so many obstacles and a challenging life that you have forged ahead and continue to overcome... gaining your independence in the process and showing yourself, not just the rest of the world, that you can succeed, that you can lean on your own two legs. I am proud of you baby.

So, things didn't turn out how I wanted them too, and that is heartbreaking for me, for my longing for you grows and grows and grows inside me, unfettered by the timed and distance that you have decided to place between us.. It is so hard to think that the girl I so completely fell in love with is no longer a part of my life in the way that I would like her to be. I have honestly never been in love with someone like I am with you. So why did I give in to my weakness and hurt you like I did? I never meant to. I didn't. But what was said cannot be taken back, there is no time machine to push a magic red button on and travel back in time to that moment before my ego took over me... and I realize that this is a price that I will have to pay. The pain, the anguish, the loneliness, the sadness are at times a burdening wight to carry, but because the feelings are so strong I know that my love was not a farce, not just some passing fancy, but something that will always remain scarred within the walls of my heart, and etched into the fabric of my soul for the rest of my days. Of this I am sure. And yet I am at peace. At peace because I tried. I risked. I lost. But I would risk it all again and again and again without fear of having my heart shredded apart as it has been the last couple weeks if only for a chance to momentarily be the love of your life, the gleam in your smile when I walk into a room, the person you first reach out to when life is intolerable and everything has got you down, your safety net to keep you from the frigid waters of life. How I miss holding you tightly in my arms, kissing you gently on the forehead and neck, and seeing a heavenly smile cross you pursed lips as you slept in my loving and warm embrace. How I would wake at night with you sound asleep next to me, and just stare at your angelic and peaceful face as I whispered to you a thousand times how I was the luckiest guy on earth and that I loved you, loved you more than anything. Making love to you. Caressing you. the intimacy we had, the moments where only you and I existed in this entire universe, and where we traveled together beyond the confines of our bodies and minds...

And I remember all the moments spent shopping for items for your new place. The excitement of helping you pick out this and that, giving my opinion on how you decorated your space. I remember times spent eating, trying new things, planning out wonderful new things we would try together. How we were finally going to live life and enjoy and explore. And then it came to a halt. You were no longer here with me. The physical distance was tough, but nothing compared to the emotional, mental, and spiritual distance that I was responsible for chasing you to. And that was the worst part. It was all my fault.

I just couldn't grasp how you could stop feeling for me the way you did from one day to the next. The flick of a light switch, and my light was gone. But I have such a long and winding road to travel with you still, and now the torch has been shaken from my grasp and bashed to the ground, the flame extinguished, and I must find my way back home with nary the moon's light to guide me. You, my necklace of stars that lit up my darkest evenings, are shrouded from me by my own doing. And that is a bitter pill to swallow. The last reflection that I want to see is that of myself, for then I have to look at a man, who has taken true love for granted. The eyes I have to look into are no longer yours, but the deep dark pits of my soul.

It's crazy how I have to drive often past your new place, often times within a block away, and have to fight the urge to turn and go down your street. How I know I can get into your place and slip into bed with you while you sleep. How badly I long for those brief, late, late night visits at your work to bring coffee or snacks. But I have had to hold back. I have had to fight with all of my strength not to succumb. Because I respect you and know those are boundaries I dare not cross. That despite how badly I want and need you, I dare not infringe upon your space. I am not like all the other idiots that can't take no for an answer, and take advantage of your kindness just to suit their own needs. Part of me does not want to let go. Part of me wants to fight for your love, but there is no one to fight but my own faceless, dark shadow. I strike out, but only the air is impacted and no one falls from my blows...

My only comfort is that I know you still love me somehow, and that you don't hate me, that you still check on me from time to time although you have locked the gate. The hardest part is not knowing whether or not you have permanently thrown away the key, or if you still hold it somewhere close to your heart. I still hope its the latter. I hope someday you can truly forgive and trust me and find those same sentiments you had for me one day... but that is not what this is about.

This letter is about how no matter how it all ends, I am still the luckiest man to have held you as mine alone. Even if it was only briefly. I am blessed to have had you by my side, to have shared in the happy as well as traumatic moments in this last year. To know that I did make some impact on you, hopefully changed the way you now view the world in some small, positive way. A time from now, I hope the memories of the negative have faded away, and that you only remember the good.

And when you think of me you might smile....

As I am now smiling while I think of you.

I will, ALWAYS love you ******.

With all my heart and soul.

I hope you find happiness and success and yourself in the process. I hope you find real love, even it if it isn't mine. And I hope you find peace. You are incredible. You have left a mark on my life and I will never forget looking into your beautiful blue eyes. Never.

I am happy to have known you and to have been in your life.

I hope you feel the same way.