As of tonight, February 20th, President's Day, I'd like to make this statement:
I'm a fuck up.
And this is what I'm going to do about it. Although the validity of this post may be somewhat suspect do to the amount of drugs in my system, I still, for some fucking reason, thought that telling a group of people whom I do not truly know about my statement would be a good idea. Maybe it's because, no matter how distant and obscure, I hate the thought of letting people down. Because I'm a spineless piece of shit though, this hatred of not fulfulling my obligations and promises has led to an interesting dichotomy. Most importantly, I either like to do things right and promptly, or not and all and lie like shit about it later.
Anyway, I'm a fuck up. And this is what I'm going to do about it. I've got lists scattered all over my desk of things I need to do, of projects I need to start, and of homework I need to finish. Were my school actually paying attention, I'm sure they would've notified me by now how much my grades suck and threatened to stop stealing my parents money unless I shaped the fuck up.
So what I'm going to do: I'm going to wallow in this drug-induced stasis for a few minutes more, clean up and go to sleep. Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll start making my way through these lists and these thoughts and do what I want to do. And although it will be hard, to the degree of almost fucking impossible, I know that years down the line I will look at myself in the mirror with even more hatred than I do even now. And regret is something that I fucking hate.
So goodnight SG, I'll be up at a proper fucking hour tomorrow.
I'm a fuck up.
And this is what I'm going to do about it. Although the validity of this post may be somewhat suspect do to the amount of drugs in my system, I still, for some fucking reason, thought that telling a group of people whom I do not truly know about my statement would be a good idea. Maybe it's because, no matter how distant and obscure, I hate the thought of letting people down. Because I'm a spineless piece of shit though, this hatred of not fulfulling my obligations and promises has led to an interesting dichotomy. Most importantly, I either like to do things right and promptly, or not and all and lie like shit about it later.
Anyway, I'm a fuck up. And this is what I'm going to do about it. I've got lists scattered all over my desk of things I need to do, of projects I need to start, and of homework I need to finish. Were my school actually paying attention, I'm sure they would've notified me by now how much my grades suck and threatened to stop stealing my parents money unless I shaped the fuck up.
So what I'm going to do: I'm going to wallow in this drug-induced stasis for a few minutes more, clean up and go to sleep. Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll start making my way through these lists and these thoughts and do what I want to do. And although it will be hard, to the degree of almost fucking impossible, I know that years down the line I will look at myself in the mirror with even more hatred than I do even now. And regret is something that I fucking hate.
So goodnight SG, I'll be up at a proper fucking hour tomorrow.
alice:
sorry, i don't make where i go to school public knowledge.
pearldiver:
Everyone to a greater or lesser degree has moments of self-doubt or even self-loathing. Hopefully short, and eventually replaced with self-acceptance. We can be, and often are, our own worst enemies. Try to guard against that. Do what makes you happy, but remember that it is probably true that if you are depressed, and use lots of depressants (like alcohol) you will probably become more depressed. And payback (hangovers) are a bitch. For school, you need motivation. Where you will find that, I do not know. But if you are bombing all your courses, I can't say what would help you. But if you are just having troubles with one or two, you might consider tutoring or dropping those that are stressing you out. I had trouble with Chemistry, and eventually took it alone in a summer session, to concentrate on just that one thing. If you have trouble with public speaking, take that course in summer as well, for smaller class size. It gets over quicker too. This might sound silly, but be prepared. Reading the assigned material before lectures really makes a difference. Your call. Good luck.