satansangel

had an interesting night.... I'm not sure if it is good or bad yet I'm still thinking on it. Went to the bar with my two friends, got there then decided I wasn't in the mood to drink. My friend Amanda runs into a guy that she has met a few times before, and we somehow end up hanging out with him at his house til past 4 am. He's one of those interesting people who thinks a little too much about things, but you watch him and listen because there is something fascinating in what he is saying, even though it's nothing that you haven't heard before. It's more in the way he says it like it's fresh brand new, and took so much thought and effort for him to come up with. My friend Cliff and I end up leaving while Amanda stays behind. Not a big deal really. but then this is where things kinda divert.
I split with my sig. other in mid december since then I have gone out several times, but haven't had any type of interactions to the point where a one night stand would occur. (and I could use a good fuck). Amanda however split with her boyfriend a week ago, and is now already being persued by someone new and taking them up on said offer, even though 2 hours prior she told me to please come with her because she didn't want to end up in the exact situation that she ended in.....
I just want to know what am I doing wrong? Has my confidence and self esteem been damaged that badly by this failed relationship? Am I really leaving myself that closed off that I'm not approachable in any way? Or have I just become so overweight that I am not desirable when in a public setting where more "attractive" options may be available.
At this point I feel like if I think about it anymore than what I have that I will only become more frustrated than what I am currently. Did you know that going without sex for over a year can cause a permanent feeling of anger? And I"m not talking mild frustration like being in a hurry and getting stuck behind someone slow in traffic, I'm talking full out want to punch someone in the throat, beat someone with a baseball bat anger. I've been catagorizing my feelings as of late, and right now I can only sum it up as confrontational/violent.
And this is not the person that I am. but I feel that if I stay a wall flower much more that I will become a permanent part of the background and never be noticed again in any capacity.
Too bad I can't seem to find a way to express myself without seeming selfish, or like an asshole. (which I've been told I do neither of)
At this point I think it boils down to that I am not happy with my life right now, and I don't see any way to be able to change it as quickly as I would like to. something has got to change.
It has to get better eventually right? And most people would say well you have to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you. I fucking love myself more than what anyone will know. If I didn't I wouldn't have survived in my relationship as long as what I did.

I just want to be noticed by somebody anybody. I would love to have that feeling of being desired because it has been so long since I have felt that. I don't care about being needed. I just want to be wanted.