dear god where do I start. Fuck it. Just fuck it all. be prepared people this will be a long one.
First- My job. I"m so fucking over it at this point. we are understaffed on management which means that the job that they say that one person can't even complete in a 40 hour week, I am taking on the task of completing 1 1/2 persons worth of work within a 40 hour week. I deal with taking care of 22 people, most of which are able to look after themselves about as much as a 5 year old. sure they can make their own breakfast, but they spill the milk all over the place and don't clean up their dishes. On top of being in charge of the development of these agents, I'm also in charge of a shit ton of administrative crap, and all they do is keep piling more and more on us with no relief, and no give. upper management keeps saying "changes are coming, there will be relief soon" I'm just thinking when the fuck is that going to happen? when you pack my shit up and fire me? on top of that budget cuts have come around, quite a few agents have be terminated, as well as a general manager, and today two supervisors, now given the two supervisors sucked horribly and it was a waste of our money to pay them to do nothing. and I'm not terribly worried because I know that I do my job, and I do my job well enough to not be on that radar, but still. I can only take so much. I would almost rather be poor and happy, then financially stable and stressed as a mother fucker. I've been buying zanax off my best friend for months now just to cope when that feeling overwhelms me to the point where I can't get anything done. I realized today when I asked him for the third time this week when he gets his new script that I just need to go to the doctor myself, and get my own. But is that really how I want to be? Miserable and medicated? Still stressed out? worst part about it all is that I don't really have any other options in this area. None that will pay what I am making right now, and what I make now does not allow me to live lavishly by any means, I have to keep a budget, and decide between this and that. I've thought about moving out near my sister, but I'm not sure that I can afford a big move clear across the country, and will swapping coasts really make me happy?
second- I left my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years about a month ago, we broke up shortly before I moved, and I have just been pushing through constantly moving getting things done, allowing the shit hole I call work to consume me. and tonight of all nights, I have A drink, and sit to watch tv on the internet, and the wall comes crashing down. I lost my fucking mind tonight, tears upon tears, the silence finally got to me. I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I will feel better. But I wonder if I was prepared to move back to this solitary life, that I have so quickly built for myself. and I have built it so well. with my cozy chair, my things just where I want them, yet would I give it all up just to have her conversation, to just feel her presence in the same house as me for a day? to not have my only conversation each morning when I wake and each night as I go to sleep talking to my dogs. I also have begun to allow that stupid fear to creep into my head, that one that makes you wonder if anyone will love you like she did? where is the fucking balance? I know it will get better, and I know things will settle. and to all those out there who put up that wall, don't fucking do it. it just leads to meltdowns, which results in rivers of tears and mountains of tissues.
third-this week I am selling that damn engagement ring I never gave her. Anyone interested? It's a beautiful 14k white gold band, with a rope like engraving around the outside, with a diamond in the middle. The place I bought it from has a pic, but it doesn't do the ring justice. I will post my own pics of it later. It has never been worn, and it has about a .13 or .15 K diamond in it. it's simple and nice. I think she would have loved it....
First- My job. I"m so fucking over it at this point. we are understaffed on management which means that the job that they say that one person can't even complete in a 40 hour week, I am taking on the task of completing 1 1/2 persons worth of work within a 40 hour week. I deal with taking care of 22 people, most of which are able to look after themselves about as much as a 5 year old. sure they can make their own breakfast, but they spill the milk all over the place and don't clean up their dishes. On top of being in charge of the development of these agents, I'm also in charge of a shit ton of administrative crap, and all they do is keep piling more and more on us with no relief, and no give. upper management keeps saying "changes are coming, there will be relief soon" I'm just thinking when the fuck is that going to happen? when you pack my shit up and fire me? on top of that budget cuts have come around, quite a few agents have be terminated, as well as a general manager, and today two supervisors, now given the two supervisors sucked horribly and it was a waste of our money to pay them to do nothing. and I'm not terribly worried because I know that I do my job, and I do my job well enough to not be on that radar, but still. I can only take so much. I would almost rather be poor and happy, then financially stable and stressed as a mother fucker. I've been buying zanax off my best friend for months now just to cope when that feeling overwhelms me to the point where I can't get anything done. I realized today when I asked him for the third time this week when he gets his new script that I just need to go to the doctor myself, and get my own. But is that really how I want to be? Miserable and medicated? Still stressed out? worst part about it all is that I don't really have any other options in this area. None that will pay what I am making right now, and what I make now does not allow me to live lavishly by any means, I have to keep a budget, and decide between this and that. I've thought about moving out near my sister, but I'm not sure that I can afford a big move clear across the country, and will swapping coasts really make me happy?
second- I left my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years about a month ago, we broke up shortly before I moved, and I have just been pushing through constantly moving getting things done, allowing the shit hole I call work to consume me. and tonight of all nights, I have A drink, and sit to watch tv on the internet, and the wall comes crashing down. I lost my fucking mind tonight, tears upon tears, the silence finally got to me. I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I will feel better. But I wonder if I was prepared to move back to this solitary life, that I have so quickly built for myself. and I have built it so well. with my cozy chair, my things just where I want them, yet would I give it all up just to have her conversation, to just feel her presence in the same house as me for a day? to not have my only conversation each morning when I wake and each night as I go to sleep talking to my dogs. I also have begun to allow that stupid fear to creep into my head, that one that makes you wonder if anyone will love you like she did? where is the fucking balance? I know it will get better, and I know things will settle. and to all those out there who put up that wall, don't fucking do it. it just leads to meltdowns, which results in rivers of tears and mountains of tissues.
third-this week I am selling that damn engagement ring I never gave her. Anyone interested? It's a beautiful 14k white gold band, with a rope like engraving around the outside, with a diamond in the middle. The place I bought it from has a pic, but it doesn't do the ring justice. I will post my own pics of it later. It has never been worn, and it has about a .13 or .15 K diamond in it. it's simple and nice. I think she would have loved it....