so i was taking a wonderful nap, enjoying my dreams, and rest in general. I woke up, was casually chatting with my friends, and was about to smoke a cigarette when the phone rang. It was my sister, first thing she asked for a favor, for me to take her cell phone to mom to have replaced because it was broke. I was like sure no problem. Then she's like guess what, I'm engaged. And my heart fucking stopped. my stomach dropped, and i proceeded to flip the fuck out. The dude is a douche bag unlike any i have ever met, and she does not know him very well at all. I didnt even have time to smoke a cigarette first, I'm still in shock and my parents seem to be fine with it. They do not seem concerned at all. They plan on waiting till 2008 to marry, and i'm hoping she will come to her senses by then. I advised her not to rush it, and made her promise me she wouldnt get married on a whim. her response was of course i wont because i want a specially made dress. i just dont feel like anybody sees this situation as serious, my sister doesnt even think that it is a big deal. IT"S A BIG FUCKING DEAL!!!!
maybe i'm just jealous, my bestfriend is getting married next week, my sister is engaged, and i'm scared to ask my girlfriend about us even living together. i'm starting to feel like i'm being left behind, i guess i really will be the crazy cat lady on the street. I used to be okay with the idea, actually joke about the concept. but now i'm starting to feel like life is going nowhere for me. Sure i will have a degree in may, but i wont be able to do anything with it. i love my girlfriend but am too scared to really open up to her the way i should. I really feel like things are just depressing for me. Fuck even if i were to get married i couldnt even have a real ceremony, shit i cant even share the happiness of my relationship with my whole family. I've wanted so badly to tell my grandmother about Jenna, but i cant because I'm so scared that she will not approve, or even worse disown me. It's bad enough that my sister is instant golden child for going into the airforce, but the fact that they are even happy about her getting engaged with some guy that no one really knows, and she's only 20, just makes it worse. And so now yet again i am simple, poor jessica, who will have her degree but that will not even be enough to be good enough in my families eyes. I'm a let down to my parents for being gay, all dad wants is for me to date a man, and mom trys to act accepting but i've heard the things she's said to my sister about it. And telling my grandmother would just seal the deal, it would just put it all in stone, that i am the loser of the family, who is not good enough no matter what the fuck i do. Even when we were young, I was a fucking straight A student, but because i wasnt a happy child, went to prom, and dated, i wasnt good enough. While my sister practically failed out of highschool, had too low of a gpa to go to college, but was thin, competed in pagents, and was a social butterfly, was always better accepted than me. I spent a lot of time trying to come to accept me for me, and learning that other people are going to think what they are going to and that that shouldnt mean anything, but this is just another thing in the pile of shit that i struggle with every god damn day. I'm not sure if i will ever be good enough.
maybe i'm just jealous, my bestfriend is getting married next week, my sister is engaged, and i'm scared to ask my girlfriend about us even living together. i'm starting to feel like i'm being left behind, i guess i really will be the crazy cat lady on the street. I used to be okay with the idea, actually joke about the concept. but now i'm starting to feel like life is going nowhere for me. Sure i will have a degree in may, but i wont be able to do anything with it. i love my girlfriend but am too scared to really open up to her the way i should. I really feel like things are just depressing for me. Fuck even if i were to get married i couldnt even have a real ceremony, shit i cant even share the happiness of my relationship with my whole family. I've wanted so badly to tell my grandmother about Jenna, but i cant because I'm so scared that she will not approve, or even worse disown me. It's bad enough that my sister is instant golden child for going into the airforce, but the fact that they are even happy about her getting engaged with some guy that no one really knows, and she's only 20, just makes it worse. And so now yet again i am simple, poor jessica, who will have her degree but that will not even be enough to be good enough in my families eyes. I'm a let down to my parents for being gay, all dad wants is for me to date a man, and mom trys to act accepting but i've heard the things she's said to my sister about it. And telling my grandmother would just seal the deal, it would just put it all in stone, that i am the loser of the family, who is not good enough no matter what the fuck i do. Even when we were young, I was a fucking straight A student, but because i wasnt a happy child, went to prom, and dated, i wasnt good enough. While my sister practically failed out of highschool, had too low of a gpa to go to college, but was thin, competed in pagents, and was a social butterfly, was always better accepted than me. I spent a lot of time trying to come to accept me for me, and learning that other people are going to think what they are going to and that that shouldnt mean anything, but this is just another thing in the pile of shit that i struggle with every god damn day. I'm not sure if i will ever be good enough.
And in my eyes, you are absolutely perfect -sweet AND gorgeous!. I wouldn't change a thing!