Can someone please fill me in?
I know I was gone for a while, but I didn't expect to come back and find a whole new site design being thrust in my face, with giant boxes of text and even larger images popping off of the screen and latching onto my corneas. It's like I accidentally turned on an unwanted magnifying lens, and I'm looking at a road sign through it that starts with the letters "EX" and that's all I can see, and it could either read "EXTREME CONDITIONS AHEAD" or "EXIT HERE FOR IN N OUT" and I can't see further down the road to try and figure it out for myself and it's really bothersome because BURGERS VS. DEATH.
Enough complaining.
Let's talk about what I came here to talk about. Or, rather, I came to talk. You're just stuck reading (sorry).
Life is going pretty well right now, and I want to document a few things while they're still fresh in my mind. But first and foremost, I want to address a notion that's been weighing on me:
Why do I come here, a site predominantly known for it's pin-up art and appreciation for all things beautiful, to discuss the aspects of life that affect me the most?
The answer is actually really simple: because I don't know what else to do. I don't have friends that I can discuss these thoughts with. And MW, as dear to me as he might be, refuses to acknowledge the heavier aspects of life. I'm not a blogger, and thus don't have my own site to vent on. I just have a lot of thoughts, and I feel really stupid typing them into a word document, only to save it to some "secret" folder buried deep in my hard drive, where no one (including myself) can benefit from reflecting at a later date. So here I am.
I like to believe that someone somewhere will accidentally come across something I've written here one day, and find him/herself musing, "Holy shit, this person actually makes sense to me." I guess I seek comfort in knowing that like-minded individuals exist.
Less selfishly, however, I also acknowledge that life, no matter how twisted and fucked up it may become at times, is beautiful in one of the most unique ways imaginable. And since this site is all about promoting various dimensions of beauty, I've convinced myself that it's not weird to blog here, and do very little else with my account.
Besides, it's my money; I can spend it how I want. SO THERE.
So...life.
When this year started, I don't think I had any idea about what it would become. I didn't plan to quit two jobs within months of each other, I didn't intend to organize an extravagant vacation to another country for my 25th birthday, and I didn't even consider it a possibility to move back up north within the next year or two. This year has been very different than any other I've experienced thus far, and though I don't know what changed in me, the focus has most certainly shifted to something that usually takes a backseat in my life: happiness.
For once, my main concern is not "getting ahead", nor is it maintaining some sort of status quo that means more to my judgmental peers than it does to myself. Through school, then college, and into my first full-time job, I did nothing but find ways to become bigger, more powerful, and further dedicated to the tasks set before me by others. I cared about nothing in the world as much as I cared about my work and the events surrounding it.
I want to emphasize that that path is not necessarily an incorrect one to take; it was just very wrong for me.
As a self-proclaimed control-freak, I was possessed. Absolutely, and entirely possessed with the need to feel important. The more emails/ texts/ phone calls I received from my subordinates, asking for problem-solving help during my off-time, the better I felt about myself. I wanted to be wanted. I needed to be needed. Not only was it loosely inspired by a Cheap Trick song, but it was also a serious ego trip, and it's not something I'm proud of when I look back on it.
I sacrificed the health of my personal relationships to maintain this crazy, driven mindset. My phone was married to my hand for years, and it dictated my ability to enjoy life outside of the workplace. This was pointed out to me, numerous times, and instead of contemplating the validity of these accusations, I assumed that others simply didn't understand what I was trying to achieve and maintain.
And then one day, I realized that I didn't understand it, either. I saw that I wasn't eligible for any more promotions, and that I'd reached my rope's end, and I literally didn't know what to do next. Instead of taking a step back and perusing my options, I immediately assumed that I'd just outgrown my job title, and took a more stately one at a different company without hesitation. I hadn't escaped the "keep-moving-and-everything-will-be-okay" mindset yet, and it was finally catching up with me.
It hit me like a ton of peanut butter cups when things started falling apart. I say this not just because I hate cliche similes, but also because it was a really confusing time in my life. If you had a ton of peanut butter cups come crashing down on you, there'd probably be a little part of you that's at least somewhat confused, because you'd expect it to be slightly delicious, albeit painful, and so taken aback by the situation that you wouldn't really know how to react (*For those of you with peanut allergies: imagine this comparison with another type of candy I guess. For those of you that just don't like peanut butter cups: WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS). That was me: confused, overwhelmed, scared, and maybe a little bit relieved that my undoing could still be somewhat comical, even in my own mind.
So I left that job, too, but this time I didn't have anywhere else to go (see previous blog posts for more on that uncertain time in my recent history). I spent a month at home, in total, before I was hired again, and it was a really hard month for me. I no longer had distractions to keep me from facing my own flaws (aside from hours upon hours of Netflix viewing), and I ended up seriously struggling with depression for the first time in a few years. It was rough, but it was worth it, because I ended up with a fantastic outlook on my future, and a wonderful opportunity to make a difference in the world.
When I started looking for jobs again, I suddenly didn't prioritize monetary gain and growth opportunity as the two determining factors in my search. Instead, I looked for work that I knew I could look forward to each day. I realized that I needed a job that fulfilled me, both professionally and personally. And, after vigorously searching, I found it within two job interviews.
I work in a hospital now. In a center for radiology, as a part of a non-profit organization. My number one job duty is to make people smile, and alleviate a little bit of the grief they deal with regularly, whether they be a patient of the facility, or a doctor providing treatment. I can't even put into words what a privilege it's been to interact with the majority of these people, some of the most humble human beings I've ever met, on a daily basis, and I try to encourage their positive contributions to the world in whatever way I can. It's fulfilling for me in a way that doesn't require power; rather than the corporate hierarchy that I'm used to, I'm interacting with people on a humanistic level, where personality shines brighter than a title does.
And it's fantastic.
If you've read this far..well damn. That's some dedication right there.
And if you find yourself in a similar situation, my only advice is: don't fear the deluge of peanut butter cups! I promise that you'll get to eat your way out of the pile in the end.
Just don't over-eat and puke on yourself. No one will hire you if you're covered in puke.
How about that for metaphors.