Well
Its been almost a week now since I got back home. I hesitate to say back home from tour because it really didnt feel like we gone that long. Barely a week in fact. But I certainly had a blast during that time. I drank well beyond more normal excess every night we were out; had we been out for 2 or 3 weeks, I probably would have paced myself somewhat, but since we were only gone a week and I usually dont have to drive, I went all out, getting Hammer Time early and often. The shows were so-so attendance wise, but thats what I was expecting. Other than one show, I thought we were great and I had a huge shit-eating grin tattooed on my face four about an hour after each time we played. Maybe its because Ive only gotten laid once since Halloween, but it seriously felt like post-orgasmic euphoria during those times. During the year, I wasnt sure if I was wasting my time in this band and who knows, I probably am, but I honestly cant remember feeling such joy ever in my life. I cant wait for the next time we go out and I am going to my damnedest to make it a 6-week jaunt and do it right. Soon Ill post a more detailed tour journal.
But now its over. And I am feeling it hard. I am feeling a lot of things right now, most of which are emptiness and loneliness. I know that I am the edge of my youth. My irresponsible, get fucked up, live for today, trying to get laid 24/7 (see above for my recent success in that dept), idealistic, fool-hearted youth, anyway. I know that Ill be considered a young guy for at least another decade or two, but you know what I mean. I see my peers getting on with their lives, with stable, well paying jobs, falling madly in love and getting married or engaged, all that stuff. Meanwhile I feel like Im going nowhere. Im chasing some silly teenage dream that could leave me poor and debt for years to come. Im pretty certain someone was in love with me and I was too fucked up in the head to realize it. I really want to enjoy my time being unattached, but Im not. Its not that Im having a bad time, but Im not a player, couldnt be one even if I wanted too.
Recently Ive been told what a nice guy I am, almost to a fault. Id say it fits in most ways. On the surface I am one the biggest assholes I know, but thats just on the surface. Im also painfully shy unless Ive been drinking (in which case I end up being more of an asshole). A lot of people tell me after getting to know me that they thought I was ultra stuck up, when nothing could be further from the truth. But I guess being a good looking guy (:whatever
who basically keeps to himself in social situations, I can see why people would get that impression. Im still not comfortable admitting that Im good looking, I certainly didnt feel that way the 24 or 25 years of my life. But hearing that Im pretty (yes, pretty) several times in the past year, Ive bought into it. The crux of all of this is that its really hard for me to meet people. Im actually dating someone right now, nothing serious but I have a fun time with her, but I really dont know where, if anywhere its going. Im trying not worry about too much, but I think my current mental state of fucked-up-edness is going to lead her to become frustrated with me to the point of not wanting to see me again. Can anyone spare a chill pill?
Also, I miss my cats. My best friend on the planet, Christian, and his fiance, Dawn, are looking after them for me while Im living in the pussy-free zone. Ive gotten to see them a few times and even got to sleep with them after Christian and I went to an Os game a few weeks back. As much as I love Sushi (pictured above) I miss Max the most. Max is the most amazing cat the world has ever known. Hes instantly anyones friend and will jump up on strangers laps, flop over and lovingly force them to rub his soft belly. People have offered me large sums of money for him, but I could never give him up. Whenever I get depressed, he seems to know. Just as I would feel like total shit, he would come into my room and rub his face up against mine and generally shower me with affection. In a few months, Im going to move back to the city and Ill get my cats back at that time, but for now I really miss them a lot.
What a way to spend a lunch break
PS: Marni, if read this and the first thing you tell me when I get back home is Are you OK? or Whats the matter? you and your dog are going to end up in the river.
Its been almost a week now since I got back home. I hesitate to say back home from tour because it really didnt feel like we gone that long. Barely a week in fact. But I certainly had a blast during that time. I drank well beyond more normal excess every night we were out; had we been out for 2 or 3 weeks, I probably would have paced myself somewhat, but since we were only gone a week and I usually dont have to drive, I went all out, getting Hammer Time early and often. The shows were so-so attendance wise, but thats what I was expecting. Other than one show, I thought we were great and I had a huge shit-eating grin tattooed on my face four about an hour after each time we played. Maybe its because Ive only gotten laid once since Halloween, but it seriously felt like post-orgasmic euphoria during those times. During the year, I wasnt sure if I was wasting my time in this band and who knows, I probably am, but I honestly cant remember feeling such joy ever in my life. I cant wait for the next time we go out and I am going to my damnedest to make it a 6-week jaunt and do it right. Soon Ill post a more detailed tour journal.
But now its over. And I am feeling it hard. I am feeling a lot of things right now, most of which are emptiness and loneliness. I know that I am the edge of my youth. My irresponsible, get fucked up, live for today, trying to get laid 24/7 (see above for my recent success in that dept), idealistic, fool-hearted youth, anyway. I know that Ill be considered a young guy for at least another decade or two, but you know what I mean. I see my peers getting on with their lives, with stable, well paying jobs, falling madly in love and getting married or engaged, all that stuff. Meanwhile I feel like Im going nowhere. Im chasing some silly teenage dream that could leave me poor and debt for years to come. Im pretty certain someone was in love with me and I was too fucked up in the head to realize it. I really want to enjoy my time being unattached, but Im not. Its not that Im having a bad time, but Im not a player, couldnt be one even if I wanted too.
Recently Ive been told what a nice guy I am, almost to a fault. Id say it fits in most ways. On the surface I am one the biggest assholes I know, but thats just on the surface. Im also painfully shy unless Ive been drinking (in which case I end up being more of an asshole). A lot of people tell me after getting to know me that they thought I was ultra stuck up, when nothing could be further from the truth. But I guess being a good looking guy (:whatever
who basically keeps to himself in social situations, I can see why people would get that impression. Im still not comfortable admitting that Im good looking, I certainly didnt feel that way the 24 or 25 years of my life. But hearing that Im pretty (yes, pretty) several times in the past year, Ive bought into it. The crux of all of this is that its really hard for me to meet people. Im actually dating someone right now, nothing serious but I have a fun time with her, but I really dont know where, if anywhere its going. Im trying not worry about too much, but I think my current mental state of fucked-up-edness is going to lead her to become frustrated with me to the point of not wanting to see me again. Can anyone spare a chill pill?
Also, I miss my cats. My best friend on the planet, Christian, and his fiance, Dawn, are looking after them for me while Im living in the pussy-free zone. Ive gotten to see them a few times and even got to sleep with them after Christian and I went to an Os game a few weeks back. As much as I love Sushi (pictured above) I miss Max the most. Max is the most amazing cat the world has ever known. Hes instantly anyones friend and will jump up on strangers laps, flop over and lovingly force them to rub his soft belly. People have offered me large sums of money for him, but I could never give him up. Whenever I get depressed, he seems to know. Just as I would feel like total shit, he would come into my room and rub his face up against mine and generally shower me with affection. In a few months, Im going to move back to the city and Ill get my cats back at that time, but for now I really miss them a lot.
What a way to spend a lunch break
PS: Marni, if read this and the first thing you tell me when I get back home is Are you OK? or Whats the matter? you and your dog are going to end up in the river.
clara:
This is called the 'mid-midlife crisis'. Try to not panic.