sarcastro

I'm feeling lonely and depressed. Again. For the billionth time. I am in dire need of companionship. Its funny, because when I am in that state, I am at my least attractive. If sober I just stare at the walls and wish I was dead. If I'm not sober, I simply make an ass out of myself. Why the fuck can't I be happy? Why the fuck do I think about giving my skull an exist wound the size Luxemburg every day of my life?

I ought to be happy. At least somewhat happy. After years of working through shitty band after shitty band, I'm finally in one that is great, one that gets asked to put out records and go on tour and that sort of shit, even on the small scale that we are on. Basically what I've been devoting the majority of my efforts towards and I am starting to achieve it. When I'm doing band stuff, I am euphoric. I finally have a job I care about as well. Im not getting Carpal Tunnel so some asswipes stock options will skyrocket in value. I help poor people in the community where my grandmother used to live. Well, theyre not all poor, and hopefully less and less will be poor. To do this, I basically have to be poor as well, a decent hourly wage but no benefits other than flex/comp time. With all of the debt I have, I have next to nothing left at the end of the day.

I think my ever-recurring depression stems from a near total void of love in my life. I think someone was in love with about a year ago and I was so fucked up I couldnt notice it. Ive been trying to meet someone since our breakup and I am now over her, but not over the loss of what I didnt even realize I had. But its not just romantic love. I know I have friends that care about me a great deal, but friendships, however tight they may be, are way to transient to count as love. My family says they love me, and I honestly think they do, but the way the show their love for me is kind of like someone telling a great joke with lousy delivery, totally offsetting the intended effect. So I am emotionally adrift. Angered or despaired at nearly every hour of the day. Its gotta end sometime. Right? Ive been telling myself that for 9 years.

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In other news, things in the studio have been coming along much slower than we would like, but the results sound great. Fortunately, we arent picking up the tab (at least not what we cant afford) so being able to take our time is helpful. But we can only do that so much, because the master copy has to go to the pressing plant by Saturday. Well get it done and it will rule and Ill be happy for a moment or two.

I think I might have to give up my cats for a few months. FUCK!