So yeah I need to write about this tonight because I can't sleep and I'm just generally having a bit of a rough night.
I tried to brush it off like it was no big deal but it's brought me back to being a terrified 13 year old afraid to go home. I think starting at the beginning is probably best.
When I was 13 my sister was dating a guy by the name of Kyle. He was a security guard at the school we went to so he was quite a bit older probably mid 20's. Anyway eventually they got really serious and he was over all the time. They basically lived together in the place that I called home. I can't even remember how it exactly started (this is hard to type for the record). He would poke my belly and it got worse eventually pokes turned to caresses which turned to him forcing me out of my bra which turned to him walking in on me in the shower. I'd tell him to stop and he'd say why and I was just so scared all I could say was because. What I wanted to say was because your marrying my sister because I don't want this because I'm definitely not ready for any of this. I wanted to say a million things but I was so very scared. He was a cop he could hurt me hurt people I cared about and he threatened it. It was the worst year of my life. Nobody noticed because he did it when they weren't home. Or when they weren't looking. He pinned me down once on my sisters bed and felt me up. After a year of all this I couldn't handle it anymore I was terrified to come home. I wanted to sleep at school. I finally told my mom and dad about it and they confronted him. I was so scared I hid in the back room bawling. He told my sister I was lying and she believed him. It was all my fault. My parents kicked him out and for awhile he was gone. I ran into him once and ran the other way. It didn't last though because my sister believed him they got back together. He moved back in and he tried to start it again but somewhere I found courage and when he poked me in my stomach I said don't you ever touch me again and walked away. A few months later she dumped him for good and I never heard from him again.
Tonight though I had someone describe in very explicit details what they wanted to do to me sexually of course. Normally that stuff doesn't bother me I just brush it off as a crazy person but this ones sticking with me. It's brought me back to when I was a young helpless scared girl. Its my fault again too. I'm really emotional at the moment. It's all my fucking fault he asked if he could say something bad and I though he was talking about his crappy situation but he didn't mean that and I didn't know and I said sure. I feel just as violated as I would had he touched me. I feel just as violated as I did 16 years ago. It might as well be yesterday.
I wish i could do what my ex always suggested and just get over it. I mean it happened so long ago.
This is my secret. Because as much as I don't want to be that scared little girl tonight reminds me that I still am. As much as I don't want to be the victim I am on those special bad days. I don't tell anyone this because I don't want people to know that I'm weak. I don't want them to know that for the longest time I would freak out if someone touched my stomach. I don't want them to know that kissing is terrifying. I didn't have my first kiss for 8 years after this because I was just too scared.
@rambo @missy @lyxzen
Afterthought: I think I've cried all my tears for the night maybe I can finally get some sleep now. Sorry for the sad story.
