Since I first submitted my set in MR I prepared this blog in my head, like I was winning some award or something, I mentally prepared myself to explain how happy I was to finally go pink, and how much it means to me, but I'm still a hopeful and this just conveniently happens to be the SG blog of the week thanks to this crazy and amazing weekly blog idea by @missy and @rambo
So here goes.
Since I was a little girl, I had been very religious, not so much that my family was but that I just looked to God for guidance, I've never been good at expressing my feelings or letting people in on what's been happening in my life, and I've never been good at making friends or keeping the ones I do make, but a few weeks ago my grandmother passed away, and with 6 siblings and 9 children (all of which have children, whom have children), she was anything but alone.
People adored her, and even though she had a rough life, It's given me a sense of revelation, I want people to look up to me, I want to inspire people, (well i'm getting a little ahead of myself...)
I was born with a skin defect, well more so, red pigmented skin, that if poked turns white (it has something to do with my blood circulation), if you will, it's pretty blotchy and I'm frequently asked by people if I am, A: freezing cold or B: overheated. But I've been this way for 23 years, so my reaction is generally yes to either, Because who wants to explain a birth defect to someone in line for groceries?
When I was a kid I was bullied alot, people used to call me the devil because I was red, (which to someone as religious as I, was an awful thing to be called). I would basically be poked and tormented and spend alot of my time in the nurses office to avoid everyone, and i was sick alot. I wouldn't cry in public, but I just remember going home and being so ashamed of who I was and what I looked like, thinking that I was the only one in the world, that I was being punished for no reason. Eventually I started dressing in long sleeves, and jeans every day and every summer I'd be fully dressed and never see an ounce of my skin, and that lasted up until about 11th grade when I was hospitalized for having appendicitis and a week to live, I started to realize that I was wasting my life covering up just to please people; To make people not feel so uncomfortable around me,
Anyway cut to the chase, I graduated high school, still a virgin and a very conservative chick who had cleavage but still had no idea what to do with it and I became friends with a person who was extremely the opposite of me, covered in tattoos, crazy hair, and outspoken. All I could remember was her constantly talking about this website Suicidegirls.com and about the alternative models on the site. So I did some research, and I remember a quote by @Missy that was explaining how a suicidegirl isn't necessarily based on her look, she's someone who never molded into society but embraced it "A girl who is a Suicidegirl at heart."
The first SG I ever laid eyes on was @Radeo Suicide and I was also showcased to @Alissa Suicide's work as a staff photographer, as have many other girls it seems, but I remember looking at Radeo, and thinking about how confident she was in herself and how stunning she was in her own way, she wasn't the girl in all of the magazines, she wasn't mainstream, and she certainly wasn't what every person considered "pretty" but I realized she didn't care. She didn't give a shit and she still put herself out there, so thats when I first signed up, red skinned, no tattoos, just colored hair and a dream. I remember telling my friends, "I'm going to be a suicidegirl" and I remember them saying "You're not pretty enough to be a Suicidegirl"... yep they said that, and honestly I did give up, I figured, maybe they're right, cut to a few years and a few tattoos later that helped to cover skin and show people who I was in a more obvious way, (My 23rd Birthday) and I decided to rejoin, this time as a Member, and thanks in big part to SG Chat, I got alot of support and people telling me to become a hopeful, so I contacted the closest photographer to me and shot my first set.
Then along the way I started shooting more, and traveling more. I met alot of girls who are seriously a bigger part of my life then they realize. The first actual SG's that I've ever met @Porphyria @Circa @Bodhi @Azera and @Pesky although we are so far away, spending a week with these girls made me learn how grounded and amazing the girls that you see on the front page everyday are.
They're fucking real, and not just some robot in a magazine. I also had the honor of spending alot of time with @Lua and I learned that not everybody can get along for a whole weekend, because I can be an asshole at times, who isn't? =P but I adore her regardless and seeing her transition from being a hopeful to a suicidegirl, which was immensely deserved, made me see that this is something i want to do for a long time. I may always be a hopeful but I know that I'll always have such a strong sense of community in my life and even if that community is miles away I know that wherever I go in the world there'll always be an SG presence to remind me to be happy and be proud of who I am.
I think @Missy and @Sean were onto something.
....and eventually, I got to shoot with @Alissa and I even met @Radeo after all of these years, and she's even more amazing than I ever imagined when I saw her on the site.
