Hey Guys 
Argh, I can already feel that this is going to be a pretty long blog again haha although i never eem to say anything of any real worth at all, which is kinda pointless really. Argh. I just don't even understand what is going on in my whole life atm. Like, my two best friends in the whole world, well two of my 3 best friends... I saw them like every single day last summer. Spent all the time high on drugs with one and just hanging out with the other one, watching films and tv and drinking and... stuff. Well anyway, this summer I haven't really seen either. And today frankly I'd like to rip my heart out and stab myself in the stomach and rip out my own eyes because to be honest i'd rather die than be around at the moment. Uni is going shit and it sucks ass. And the bf is being a complete fucking cunt. I mean like to be honest I quite want to stab him too and I can't be bothered with this. I have so much ritalin at the moment and if I don't end up taking all of that I'll probably raid the pharmacies to make enough codeine to kill myself with, and it sucks because i haven't felt this bad in a while. i can't even be bothered. I'm not even allowed to see my best friend from last summer without the bf getting angry, storming off, spending 9hrs last night with a friend from back home (who i went out with for 4yrs) and just bitched about me while i was there making a joke about everything and i cnt be fucked. eugh. it sucks and i cnt even see my friend because its like somme kind of horrendous insult to the bf apparently and i dont even understand why its such a problem and he wont even talk to me about it in like a sensible grown up adult way. it just sucks. and i tell him everything and im not even allowed to atm, even though i havent seen him in literally a year im still not allowed one night without the bf going absolutely fucking insane on me. argh. cut cut cut
and ive started throwing up again/. like a lot a lot alot. and its to the point now where ive started timing my meals around my ritalin doses, to allow it to fully absorb before im sick, so it doesnt fuck up. and i hate throwing up. i hate it. so fucking much. but its making everything so much easier. and i cnt even tell the bf about it because he'd just have a stupid hissy fit about how im selfish and hurting him and doing things on purpose to hurt him and its like do you not understand that ive spent the last 12 yrs of my life throwing up and its not to be selfish and he just wont accept it. so no wonder i dont fucking tell him anything. argh :/ gah. sigh i dont even want to be like this anymore and i dont want to spend that much time with him any more because he drives me fucking insane its like im not even allowed to tlak to him about stuff because he'll over rect but if i dont tell him he'll also go mad. :/ argh
sigh i really really reallly want som fucking drugs and not just my fricking ritalin which is pissing me off. it's to the point where id consider paying 1000 a month to get fucking adderall with a private psychiatrist. stupid fucking england not having it on nhs. argh :/
Argh, I can already feel that this is going to be a pretty long blog again haha although i never eem to say anything of any real worth at all, which is kinda pointless really. Argh. I just don't even understand what is going on in my whole life atm. Like, my two best friends in the whole world, well two of my 3 best friends... I saw them like every single day last summer. Spent all the time high on drugs with one and just hanging out with the other one, watching films and tv and drinking and... stuff. Well anyway, this summer I haven't really seen either. And today frankly I'd like to rip my heart out and stab myself in the stomach and rip out my own eyes because to be honest i'd rather die than be around at the moment. Uni is going shit and it sucks ass. And the bf is being a complete fucking cunt. I mean like to be honest I quite want to stab him too and I can't be bothered with this. I have so much ritalin at the moment and if I don't end up taking all of that I'll probably raid the pharmacies to make enough codeine to kill myself with, and it sucks because i haven't felt this bad in a while. i can't even be bothered. I'm not even allowed to see my best friend from last summer without the bf getting angry, storming off, spending 9hrs last night with a friend from back home (who i went out with for 4yrs) and just bitched about me while i was there making a joke about everything and i cnt be fucked. eugh. it sucks and i cnt even see my friend because its like somme kind of horrendous insult to the bf apparently and i dont even understand why its such a problem and he wont even talk to me about it in like a sensible grown up adult way. it just sucks. and i tell him everything and im not even allowed to atm, even though i havent seen him in literally a year im still not allowed one night without the bf going absolutely fucking insane on me. argh. cut cut cut
and ive started throwing up again/. like a lot a lot alot. and its to the point now where ive started timing my meals around my ritalin doses, to allow it to fully absorb before im sick, so it doesnt fuck up. and i hate throwing up. i hate it. so fucking much. but its making everything so much easier. and i cnt even tell the bf about it because he'd just have a stupid hissy fit about how im selfish and hurting him and doing things on purpose to hurt him and its like do you not understand that ive spent the last 12 yrs of my life throwing up and its not to be selfish and he just wont accept it. so no wonder i dont fucking tell him anything. argh :/ gah. sigh i dont even want to be like this anymore and i dont want to spend that much time with him any more because he drives me fucking insane its like im not even allowed to tlak to him about stuff because he'll over rect but if i dont tell him he'll also go mad. :/ argh
sigh
i really really reallly want som fucking drugs and not just my fricking ritalin which is pissing me off. it's to the point where id consider paying 1000 a month to get fucking adderall with a private psychiatrist. stupid fucking england not having it on nhs. argh :/VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
hypnokitten:
well, I'm not a psychiatrist but I'd be willing to play one on tv I suppose if you need? Just poke at me if you need and I'll be at my best confidential but not-quite-therapist / advice-column. In the meanwhile I am really sorry you are going through all this crap. *hugs*
*hugs*
radkatdjsound:
ive been there and there and there. thats whare im at now and oh yeah over there too.its like your blog is a big map and im whares waldo.hmm a place to vent is a favorite reason why i come to SG and for teh theraputic value of the point of blogs and journals .i consider you are a noble person .take care of your self ive heard the laws over there are much more brutal . consequences for lesser infractions of the law and considering your health could be herendous.i dont have much to say but your energy is felt when ever i visit yur profile or check on my frensbloggs .updated ones i mean.