Hey Guys 
Sooo a lot's been happening!
I've been on my ritalin for just over 2 weeks now, and I seem to be adjusting okay so far. I'm on 45mg a day, not sure if this is a lot or not, haven't really got anything to base it on but hey ho. I've been having my pulse and blood pressure measured every week, and so far my body hasn't exploded or given up on me which is always a good sign. I have however noticed my appetite fucking up, which is probably supposed to be a bad thing BUT as my ED brain has been kicking in a lot recently, I have been taking as a miracle. I've lost nearly a stone which of course is brilliant. I've heard that as well as taking up my appetite, the meds should be speeding my metabolism too, so hopefully it won't slow down stupidly and mess me up all over again. On another positive, having to take the meds means I haven't been purging often in, which considering it was upwards of 3-5 times every day for the past few months, is a drastic improvement.
I have however, noticed an increase in my mood swings, as well as a slight increase in severity. This could of course be due to my exams, that are starting on Wednesday, and the fact that I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS stress about my exams. And therefore do shit because I forget everything as soon as I sit down. But bah. I'm just extra super stressed this time because I have to get a really high 1st in all 6 exams to cancel out the fact that one module worth twice the credits of all the others went REALLY shit because we were only as good as the worst in our group project, despite the fact I worked really hard and did well and the group then did shit. So that's TOTALLY screwed my average and there's nothing I can do about it AT ALL.
On a positive note, the guy from last year and I FINALLY got around to seeing each other again, and I learnt loads for one of my exams with him teaching me which was epic. And just hanging out for the whole day was so fucking nice after all this time. I have felt kinda shit this summer not seeing him, especially as I also lost the band a few months ago, and don't even speak to them anymore because of what happened. Some of you may or may not know the full details but short story: abusive bf, got shared by the band which was fun, but terminations happened and things fucked up. So yeah that was shit. But I miss them all, and I miss the summer guy as well. So summer has been kinda shit and boring and no money etcetc. So seeing again was SO NICE. I may have mentioned it just now but yeah. Whatever
And I'm going out celebrating with him after my exams finish which again should be super awesome.
And tomorrow I head off for GroundZero Weekender. For any of you people that don't know, this is like the hugest UK Airsoft event of the year, and there's about 1600 going. Some playing the games, some just family watching and camping too. But we get to go for the whole weekend and it should be super epic and I literally can't wait.
And yet more exciting news! I finalllllyyyyy got a new job after MONTHS of interviews. It's only part time for weekends, but it should fit around Uni really well which is good.
I have my new bf now, it's epic and at the same time weird. He's soooo different from all my past bfs. Like, he's actually nice, and doesn't abuse me. And whilst that is on one hand awesome, I also find it really difficult. I'm not entirely sure it works some of the time, and I have found myself hurting myself a hell of a lot more since we've been together. Probably because I'm so used to other people hurting me in various ways, that I'm not used to not being hurt. And therefore I've taken it upon myself to do so. It's random, and I know it hurts him too, and it's making him actually depressed which does worry me quite a lot. I have a tendency to make my bfs depressed, and he wouldn't be the first one to have been given anti-depressants to cope with me. Sigh. I really am a bit insane. I'm also craving drugs soooo badly, and it's super weird not having a rolling buddy. And as the bf is in the police he has random drug tests, so it's not at all feasible that he be one. And as drugs make me unpredictable and extremely sexual it would be very weird for him if I had a diff rolling buddy. Especially as my bf is a nerd, and hasn't had many gfs in the past and used to be (and still is a little) very autistic. He gets very paranoid and jealous. So yeah I haven't had drugs in way too long, and even though I know it's self medicating, it worked. And that's a good start. Sigh. And I realllly miss the sleeping about. I know it's so slutty, and stupid, and it's just ridiculous but it calms me down. Sex with no meaning at all, just for being sex. I don't know if that makes any sense?
Sigh. I've been in an extremely weird mood lately.
Lotta love guys
x x x
Sooo a lot's been happening!
I've been on my ritalin for just over 2 weeks now, and I seem to be adjusting okay so far. I'm on 45mg a day, not sure if this is a lot or not, haven't really got anything to base it on but hey ho. I've been having my pulse and blood pressure measured every week, and so far my body hasn't exploded or given up on me which is always a good sign. I have however noticed my appetite fucking up, which is probably supposed to be a bad thing BUT as my ED brain has been kicking in a lot recently, I have been taking as a miracle. I've lost nearly a stone which of course is brilliant. I've heard that as well as taking up my appetite, the meds should be speeding my metabolism too, so hopefully it won't slow down stupidly and mess me up all over again. On another positive, having to take the meds means I haven't been purging often in, which considering it was upwards of 3-5 times every day for the past few months, is a drastic improvement.
I have however, noticed an increase in my mood swings, as well as a slight increase in severity. This could of course be due to my exams, that are starting on Wednesday, and the fact that I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS stress about my exams. And therefore do shit because I forget everything as soon as I sit down. But bah. I'm just extra super stressed this time because I have to get a really high 1st in all 6 exams to cancel out the fact that one module worth twice the credits of all the others went REALLY shit because we were only as good as the worst in our group project, despite the fact I worked really hard and did well and the group then did shit. So that's TOTALLY screwed my average and there's nothing I can do about it AT ALL.
On a positive note, the guy from last year and I FINALLY got around to seeing each other again, and I learnt loads for one of my exams with him teaching me which was epic. And just hanging out for the whole day was so fucking nice after all this time. I have felt kinda shit this summer not seeing him, especially as I also lost the band a few months ago, and don't even speak to them anymore because of what happened. Some of you may or may not know the full details but short story: abusive bf, got shared by the band which was fun, but terminations happened and things fucked up. So yeah that was shit. But I miss them all, and I miss the summer guy as well. So summer has been kinda shit and boring and no money etcetc. So seeing again was SO NICE. I may have mentioned it just now but yeah. Whatever
And I'm going out celebrating with him after my exams finish which again should be super awesome.
And tomorrow I head off for GroundZero Weekender. For any of you people that don't know, this is like the hugest UK Airsoft event of the year, and there's about 1600 going. Some playing the games, some just family watching and camping too. But we get to go for the whole weekend and it should be super epic and I literally can't wait.
And yet more exciting news! I finalllllyyyyy got a new job after MONTHS of interviews. It's only part time for weekends, but it should fit around Uni really well which is good.
I have my new bf now, it's epic and at the same time weird. He's soooo different from all my past bfs. Like, he's actually nice, and doesn't abuse me. And whilst that is on one hand awesome, I also find it really difficult. I'm not entirely sure it works some of the time, and I have found myself hurting myself a hell of a lot more since we've been together. Probably because I'm so used to other people hurting me in various ways, that I'm not used to not being hurt. And therefore I've taken it upon myself to do so. It's random, and I know it hurts him too, and it's making him actually depressed which does worry me quite a lot. I have a tendency to make my bfs depressed, and he wouldn't be the first one to have been given anti-depressants to cope with me. Sigh. I really am a bit insane. I'm also craving drugs soooo badly, and it's super weird not having a rolling buddy. And as the bf is in the police he has random drug tests, so it's not at all feasible that he be one. And as drugs make me unpredictable and extremely sexual it would be very weird for him if I had a diff rolling buddy. Especially as my bf is a nerd, and hasn't had many gfs in the past and used to be (and still is a little) very autistic. He gets very paranoid and jealous. So yeah I haven't had drugs in way too long, and even though I know it's self medicating, it worked. And that's a good start. Sigh. And I realllly miss the sleeping about. I know it's so slutty, and stupid, and it's just ridiculous but it calms me down. Sex with no meaning at all, just for being sex. I don't know if that makes any sense?
Sigh. I've been in an extremely weird mood lately.
Lotta love guys
x x x