santianna

Its Just not Fair, Is It.

This must be the first time Im moping about people generally being unfair to me, but thats the truth, people MEN in particular, have just not been very fair to me at all. There have been a few nice ones, but those tend not to be romantic interests, which is ironic. But I suppose in those cases, they dont expect anything from me, and I dont expect anything from them, so its hardly possible the argument that whos being more fair to whom would come up now, would it.

The biggest problem with men is their need to posses a woman. Its complete bullshit, but it exist even within the best of them, and its a pity. In my life, there have ever only been two kinds of men, 1) the kind of men that believe they can never possess me, never bother, and never do. Guys like lan and Mr. Big and maybe even Martine. I cannot be trusted to be faithful, and Im not girlfriend material, but hmm Im actually kinda fun to know because Ive got cute girlfriends, Im kinda always available (because Ive got no moral hang-ups, and if your not exclusive to me, what does it matter?) and Im actually a worthwhile person to talk to so you dont feel like your sleeping with some dumb chick that just doesnt no any better. And maybe its good for your ego; how the fuck should I know.

Richard is the other sort of guy I meet occasionally. Richard, Chris, Ethan, the Ex from what now seems like a century ago. Men that actually love me and cant stand the idea of me sleeping around but dont believe I never can. But of course thats bullshit. Do they presume that Im so shallow as to take sex with someone I dont care for over how they feel? Besides, a dick inside you is just like any other dick. Maybe with the exception of people like Neil Gaiman and Ethan Hawke and other artists I have always wanted to fuck just to see if they were anything like youd expected them to be. But that really is beside the point, and isnt much of a big deal since they probably wouldnt want to fuck me anyway, and I wouldnt if it would make someone I love greatly unhappy.

Oh come on, of course I know Ive been used to service the vanities of many, many men. And its alright, because Im happy enough with myself not to give a fuck whether they want me as a girlfriend or not. Most of the ones in the former category arent worth more of my time anyway. They were fun, and theyre all nice blokes, but thats all there is to the relationships Ive had with them. Ive never been monogamous with them because I didnt think it would have made a difference to them if I was or wasnt. And they didnt satisfy me emotionally, and theres only so good the sex can get with someone you dont click with.

Richard generally presumes that Im not a monogamous person because I keep on saying monogamy doesnt matter to me. Well, what the hell do you expect from a girl that grew up in an environment full of bullshit where the average male character in any from of entertainment communication is always shown as a cheat.

Throw in the fact that Im Chinese and Anti-feminist and the kind of girl that absolutely believes a good wife should always fuck her husband regularly because thats the way it should be (Ive let Ethan fuck me zillions of times when I didnt want to just because I was very fond of him and weighed my displeasure at being fucked to the pleasure hed gain by being able to fuck me and thought it worthwhile and something that wouldnt hurt me to do)

By anti-feminist, Im subscribing to what O says in the finale of The Story of O. That she measured her power by how much she could tolerate the whipping and the abuse of her lover. And thats what being a real woman is, to me. Its not about being in control of your surroundings or your men, its about being in control of yourself.

Anyway, put all that together, it was a matter of either tolerating a cheating boyfriend or accepting the fact that most men are just not monogamous and not taking it to heart. I chose the latter at an incredibly young age, and my stand hasnt changed. It must have occurred when I was still in primary school and I was incredibly naive about sex and I figured Id rather be a whore then never have sex all my life.

If men are not going to be faithful, then Id rather love them for what they are as opposed to forcing them into trying to be something theyll never be and feeling miserable about it when they fail.

Sexual monogamy doesnt matter a great deal to me. I would have a problem with a different girl a week, maybe even a different girl a month, because to me thats pointless and its a psychological problem with the man. Before R, I was sleeping with maybe two or three different people a month, but I had real relationships with them and the only reason why I was still say sleeping with Chris over the weekend in another country and then fucking lan back in Singapore was because Chris just wasnt sexually attractive to me and there was something vaguely depressing about it all. And lan was the perfect antithesis to that situation.

What I absolutely demand from anyone I date and have fallen in love with is my standing on an emotional level. Fine if there are other girls, but when you sleep with them or when your out with them, youll always know youll have a better time with me. Thats what I want, and thats what I think is more important. Its not that Im begrudging you your female companionship; but from a romantic standpoint, Ill just have to be better. Otherwise I wouldnt waste my time on you. If Im feeding their vanities, they might as well feed mine too.

And thats what matters to me. And that was why I was so hung up on Martine for a long time, because I believed he believed he would be happier with me, and I knew I would be happier with him than anyone else I had met, up to that point, So. Of course now I see why he was really right all along and that there was no way we could really click. I would have had to change too much.

But that monogamy doesnt matter to me doesnt mean that I know it doesnt matter to other people. I dont see the big deal about it, but it is undeniable that other people get hurt when their partners fuck someone else. The problem exist and I cannot pretend otherwise. I cant help the other poor girls whos boyfriends are fucking behind their back, but I can help myself.

Richard keeps on presuming that its part of my nature to sleep around and that I mustnt stop sleeping around because its just not me, and that would mean I was changing for him and that should be the way things should be. You should be yourself.

Of course I should be myself, and the way I am is that sleeping around isnt a big deal to me. If he didnt want me to sleep with another man, then I wouldnt. I dont think he gets it, but to me, my time with him is worth its value in the gratification I get in return. I wouldnt bother to sleep with someone else because itll hurt him and it just wouldnt be worth my time,

So, sex with someone else would not only hurt someone I love, but it would also be a waste of my time, and an unnecessary expenditure of my emotions, and perhaps a chance at catching a nasty disease. And the sex isnt even going to be guaranteed as good. Now, if that were the case, why would I sleep with someone else?

I think he often forgets that Im female and unlike men, women really dont have a natural biological urge to spread their seeds.

Of course Id be irritated if he didnt let me fool around with my girlfriends. I mean, I can make concessions and I can understand why most men wouldnt like their women fucking other men. But I definitely cannot understand men that dont like their girls making out with other women. I mean, sex at the end of the day is a huge part of what I am, and maybe thats why Im not straight.

I could very well be a one man woman and a one woman, woman. (Not that it matters, Ive never had a jealous girlfriend) Im bi-sexual. Thats my sexual preference. And just like how you cant tell homosexuals to desire someone of the opposite sex, or heterosexuals to desire someone of the same sex, you cant tell people like me to only like one person from one gender.

xoxox