santianna

To My Dear Martine...

***

So many things have happened in the last few days I dont know where to start, but I guess telling you I am without a doubt absolutely sure you are the person I am most happy with would be the most honest way to put things.

I dont know if the feelings are cultivated, or if its because you reject me (without meaning to, of course) sometimes (I seriously doubt that. I dont like rejection, cant be bothered with it. I know who Im happy with and who Im not, the feeling is undeniable). But the fact is, they are there, and I cant help it.

Ive been sleeping with other guys allright. Guys that are crazy about me, that would have planned the next few years of their life around me if I would just want them to. And in all rational sense, the financial comfort, the security, the sex (if you take away the fact that for the last 4-5 months, I would have rather been in bed with you even if you offered nothing aside from a apartment to bonk in with a sturdy table and a comfy bed fuck I could make love to you on a street and not feel ashamed about it). I can cheat myself about a person over dinner, but I cant kid myself in bed. And people know these things; and anyway, Im not happy pretending with them.

One of the things that really bugs me about the fact that I am in love with you is that I dont think youre as crazy about me as I am over you. For heavens sake, I would gladly stay in Singapore, even though all my life Ive wanted to leave it, if things worked out between us. I know youd say its not worth it, and sometimes I cant help but feel you say that because you feel as if you arent all that into me such that it could work out. I dont care how it works out 2-3 years from now, all I give a shit fors that Im happy now. And while my devotion for creating beautiful things is very important to me, I know I will be so empty without being passionate about someone, and having that in return. It is so painful when I think about life and know there are so many unhappy people out there in such one-sided relationships. Its like, is it SO hard to find someone you love, who will love in return?

Isnt that one of lifes greatest aspirations? You know the song by Nat King Cole Im sure "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return"

Sure, its such an intangible thing, but its so important. Approval from someone that your crazy about means so, so much, and you probably know very well that approval is a basic necessity for living. Approval from yourself and from the people you care most about.

Certainly casual sex is fun, theres no denying that, and just because I love you ( wouldnt use love my feelings for you at this point in time are so insensible theres no rational word that can describe it) doesnt mean Im less of a Samantha, its just that I love you. Or I whatever you, whatever the word is.

Youre probably going, oh my god, why is it that every woman Ive ever known sees a future in me. Ive no idea really, and I dont dare say I see a future in you. Im perfectly capable of having fantasies of babies and stuff like that, but most women have that with anyone they sleep with on a regular basis. But I do know when Im with you, I dont want it to end. When you want to see me, god, you have no idea how happy that makes me. I would like to kick myself hard and go, fuck girl you cant do this to yourself, you cant carry on sleeping with someone you feel so crazy for that doesnt feel the same way. But Im so into you, and Ive got nothing to lose by seeing you that I just dont care. Id rather make love to you occasionally then not make love to you at all, as long as I know youre into me, I guess. In some way. As long as I know you love the time you spend with me and would rather it not end.

I dont need answers and I dont think youll give them anyway, but sometimes I really believe that if you were as into me as I am into you, youd not want to leave me. Youd want to see me often. I know theres Lianne, but how much of yourself are you willing to compromise for her happiness? I know I would be so happy with you, and I cannot help but feel if you felt the same way, youd not be willing to compromise your own happiness for her. Not because youre self-centered, but because youre just not happy, and keeping it up just isnt going to be good for anyone.

I know you cant love people just because they love you, and I cant make you love me. Life will carry on, certainly and I will be fine. Id just be more fine if I could be with you. You know.. not in the long run or any run for that matter if I could just BE with you.

I know too many people that found their soul-mate and lost them and met them again years later and wish theyd not been so stupid to have given that up. Then there are people that gave themselves a second chance at finding that love again, and so what if it doesnt work out to forever? If just for that few months or years, everything was beautiful, what does it matter. Everything is transient anyway.

I will be very sorry indeed if I knew you felt the same way about me a few years from now and I wasnt honest enough to tell you exactly how I felt. To at least have tried to make things work. I am going to fed-ex my applications into a few schools by Tuesday; but Ill play all of it by ear. So far, everything that Ive done that wasnt planned have been the best things to have ever had happened to me.

I will say this though, despite it being very harsh, just because I cannot help it, and because Ive learnt that hiding things is the best way to ruin any relationship. I wish so hard everyday that Lianne would just go away. But that would be terribly pointless if even if she went, I wouldnt mean much anyway. Just because well, you cant make-believe how you feel.

You always go into a discourse about how amazing you think I am, and how wonderful and all of that. But what I really want to hear is that Im all of that, and youre crazy about me. Because Im so into you. And if you cant say that without lying, well, I guess I would still be so glad to make love to you often because I really love making love to you and it really isnt about what youre doing in bed that other people arent, Im crazy about you and that makes all the difference.

My friends have said Im a complete sucker for being so into you. But I think Ill be a greater sucker for trying to trick myself into believing that I loved someone just because hes under the criteria of this, this and this. Nothings worth cheating yourself I think, not to save someone elses feelings, not for security or money or anything. You dont have to live with that other person, true security is being completely free from needing it, and money is just a pain in the ass and Id rather be true to myself then compromise what I want to do, for it At the end of the day, were all really only answerable to ourselves, and being honest to ourselves is the most important thing in life, or so I feel.

With all my tenderness,
Isabella