santianna

I met Martine. Id wrote him a long, long letter last night for no other reason then because I felt like writing a long, long letter to him. It was pointless of course. Ive written so many blasted love letters all my life, but never sent them out. The problem with these bloody things is that theyre normally written under certain assumptions or impressions. And while youre writing them, I dont know about other people, but I tend to get so much into it I end up writing things Im not completely sure about. And M is beyond cynical about love, sure as hell hell know Im just being sappy for the sake of being sappy.

So eventually I decided to draw him a card and stick a short note behind it. Basically, I miss you, and I cannot stop thinking about you. I told him today that whenever Im with another girl, I wish he was there, when Im sleeping with someone else (especially when Im not drunk) Id rather I was sleeping with him. Sure, Greg was lovely, so are like, all of the rest of them, and Im very fond of them, but there are people who you know are transitory, and people you really, greatly desire.

When I look at M, I dont see cute or pleasant looking, or whatever. I see someone I want to spend all day in bed with, someone that turns me on instantly, someone that oh he kissed me in public and that made me feel so good.

I am crazy. Completely insensibly crazy over him. But he says Im too young. The goddamned mother fucker. I want to be with him all the time, all bloody day long (well, allright, not that much, but certainly regularly enough). Sadly, I doubt he feels the same way. Liking me a great deal is one thing; but hes certainly not dying to be with me. I told him I really was desperate, but I try my best to act otherwise.

Him, Well see each other soon okay.
Me, Youll have to sms me or call. Please. Dont you dare make me look desperate. One more time Im rejected Its just very bad for my health.
Him, For heavens sake, you arent desperate.
Me, Yes I am. Im a very good actress.
Him, Youre crazy! And the poems you sent me. Why the hell did you say they werent for me?
Me, You read the bloody email I told you not to read!
Him, Yeah of course I did.
Me, And you didnt email me back. And you blame me for being out of contact.
Him,
Him, Why should it have mattered if I read that email or not. I loved the poems.
Me, No it doesnt matter, who said it mattered.
Him, You!
Me, Now that youve read it and liked them, it doesnt.

Oh lord, my stomach totally sucks. Ive no idea what I ate last night. Mr. Big asked me if I was anywhere around his place last night when S had been driving me around. Itd been a long time since Id see him, and hed been messaging me a little bit more then often lately, so I thought maybe it was time to say hi. I missed his teddy.

Believe it or not, weve now known each other for 2 years. Scary huh, how time really flies. 2 bloody years. So much has changed since. Hes still the same sort of guy I remember him to be, and will probably always be the same, as Ill probably be the same for a long, long time. Which is good, because he was quite nice from the start anyway. But I think I can understand him better now. Im definitely no longer insecure around him, which is great, because I was insecure a lot when I first started dating him. It was nice cuddling up and thinking about what a damn bloody long time its been. And everything in his place is still the same, cept a whole lot messier. Ah well.

xoxox