santianna

Im completely incapable of writing down everything I feel at this moment, so I wont. I get a bloody headache every time I think about anything that concerns my love/sex life at all, so Ive decided to simply not think about it. Not too much anyway.

But Ive discovered a few things. That people normally take other people more seriously then I do, and that just about everyone Ive dated in the past few months has taken me more seriously then I will dare acknowledge to myself. It is a great big fuck up in the world, but people are fucked up like that. There are so many other girls out there who will give up everything for them, and they have to pick me. I will give what I feel like, and like I said, am an extremely volatile emotional investment. But theyve decided to pick me instead. Ive a feeling its precisely because of that. Im just more fun.

I finally broke and sent Martine a text. He replied very promptly. I said I missed him, and he retorted, if I did, where had I been the last month? (Then he added a take it easy, okay) I told him Id been too fucking proud to say anything, and bet he was too, because as far as I knew, I didnt receive any word from him either. Then I realized Id told him I left the country without a fixed return date when I did leave the country, but with a fixed return date. But I still dont understand why he didnt even try. But all thats inconsequential now, I broke and made the first move. And Im glad I did. He said he wasnt too proud, he just thought the whole fiasco with him between Liz and myself was very unhappy and unhealthy. But of course I wouldnt know. I couldnt have known how She would have felt, could I? He didnt tell me anything.

I don't know why I keep thinking about him. I want him so much I could die. I really hate him, or at least I try, and I had a very sad, pathetic dream about him last night where he played a coward in the Kingdom of Heaven, in which I was trying to kill people with a blunt spear. And I woke up this morning and thought it was time to hopefully clear things up and make things easier so he can call me when he wants to, because I would really like it.

And men and women are infinitely different. Women will get back and cry and beg and accuse almost immediately and do so continuously. I think men just put down the phone and sit on it for a long time, years even; then maybe one day, when they decide they really want the person back, they call.

We are having lunch tomorrow. If he cancels out on me, I will be very disappointed if he didnt have a bloody good reason. I stick to my appointments, always, and I think everyone else should too. (Just like I normally keep my promises, and think every one else should too. But itll take a lot more promise keeping from myself to make me believe that I still can.)

Gregs written me a couple of times, letters, a poem and a few sms-es. I just dont know what to do. I wish people would stop thinking Im sad, because I really am not. Im very sad when I think about my situation with him and slightly sad when I think about how things have gone with Martine, but the thing is, I dont think about them all that much, and certainly not all day. Ive got better things to do.

But people are weird. They get really annoyed when theyre sad and they hope the other person feels it too, so I always end up trying to feel what they feel, and when I tell them oh Ive made myself sad now, I hope your happy, they tell me to fucking just be happy and can I not be sad. And in Martines case, its even weirder, because he generally just assumes Im sad, even though Im pretty darned sure I give him not cause to think that whenever I go out with him.

Im extremely confused. Everything is hopeless, and we are all fucked. Great.

Im going to stuff my face with almond croissants from Caneles, you know, the pastissier (is that how you call the people that make pastries in some fancy pants foreign language) in that little courtyard somewhere along Mohammed Sultan. Ive a terrible weakness for good almond croissants, and I get really mad when Im given a bad one. Theyre so simple to make, how can anyone possibly fuck it up?

Then I am going to stay in the pool for several hours and go for a jog for even longer and hope I dont have to make any stupid decision concerning any stupid thing as un-tangible but yet so darned problematic, like love.

Anyway, here's a song by an aqquaintence of mine... Judas. Judas, Suck my Dick

I really know I shouldn't be doing this cuz I'm christian and all, and I'd be really upset if someone wrote such a hurtful song about someone I really love... but then again, there's the Jesus I know, and there's the one that some idiot I really dislike believe in. This is their Jesus. So there.

Never hated the one true God, just the God of all the people I've hated. -Marilyn Manson