I dont know what to do.
Last night, I met a college infatuation, had a couple of drinks, straddled him in the cab and strapped ourselves together with the belt. I told the cab to turn back though and stayed alone at Gregs. It would just have been too troublesome to have go home the next day from his place.
I dont know what to do with M anymore. Nothing has ever been so complicated or embarrassing before, and I really dont like being in the relationship anymore. I will absolutely not accept people making presumptions about me, and he has made one too many. And made me feel like I was selfish, when I really am not. He thinks I am and that Im emotionally blackmailing him (at least I think he thinks that I am), and that Im self-absorbed and spoilt. At least that was what he made me feel like when I bumped into him at the caf yesterday after spending the whole morning working a resolve never to see him again until hed asked for it first. (Even the best laid plans go to waste).
You wont believe what a loser I was. I bumped into him, he said hi, and the first thing I said was, hey, why dont we go back to your place. Well, seemed like a good idea to me, he lived about a 10 minute walk away anyway, and it would have been a better option the coffee joint. In the opinion of my Alice, of course. (Yes, my pussy has a name).
So he went on about himself and all his problems, which seemed rather big, and I felt like mine were absolutely trivial (which is true, because he is my only problem. Do not even try to figure out the irony in that one). I asked him what he would like to have happened if he could have everything better, and he told me hed not talk to me about it until it was discussed with Liz first.
You seemed like you have a lot of problems, surely you can talk to me about the rest. But of course I knew the big problem was Her.
So I got the impression that everyone was trying to take something from him without returning anything, and that was the thing that irritated and upset-ed him the most. So I thought Id be nice and make him breakfast the next morning when he got up; 9 sounded like a sensible time. He called me up when I suggested that in an sms, and basically said I was crazy, 9 was too early, and what was wrong with me.
Huh? I just felt like doing something nice for you.
I really dont have the time. Bla... bla etcetc.
Essentially, I dont have time for you tomorrow morning, Ive got to go to the office to complete some work, and you cannot force me to make time for you. Also: You are not allright, what do you want from me, because I cannot give you anything, are you sure youre happy, I dont think you are. And why are you sms-ing me about making breakfast for me on the Sabbath when youre having a drink with your friends. Then, Goodbye. Click, followed by a dead tone.
Me to myself, What the hell was all that about! He could have just said he didnt have the time. Jesus.
So youre complaining you have no friends, and that everyone wants to take something from you, and when someone wants to try and do something nice, you think shes crazy? Its your fault you make time for the people that only demand from you.
Oh, and also, youre leaving the country soon, so whats the point.
Oh my god. I thought I got out of that state when I stopped dating conservative local boys who thought about marriage and a HDB flat at 24 and then cheating for several years after that with other girls in Hotel 81.
This is crazy! I mean, of course Im trying my best to understand him, and give him space, and he is under a tremendous amount of pressure (that it is mostly his fault non-withstanding) but it is so irritating to have my kindness indicted. So its my fault that Im trying to be nice? You could have refused politely.
That other woman is crazy too. Im like, get a fucking life and snap out of it already. Hes given you all this money, so for heavens sake, try to stand on your own god-damned feet. If he wants to help you, thats great, but stop blackmailing him. If you really cared, you wouldnt, bitch. And I do care, and Im not doing any good for him at this moment, because nothing I do is taken positively anymore, so Im going to leave him alone, and so there.
Okay, so shes gone through tremendous hurt and doesnt have a blessed life as I do. I can understand that, but trying to make someone do something he doesnt isnt going to make you any happier. Hes helped you thus far, cant you help yourself. Its not like marrying him would solve all your problems. Youre only suffering the hurt because youre too weak to help yourself.
God I really Ugh! I hate to see him like that. He shouldnt be like that. All the beauty in what we hads all ruined now. When I told him I only wanted him if he wanted me; he got it wrong when he said I couldnt demand his affection. I call a spade a spade, and that is what it is. I wasnt demanding his affection. I loved him because he desired me. And now that he doesnt, I dont. Period. I want to be there for him, because hes done something for me emotionally, among other things, but theres absolutely nothing I can do now. And in fact, doing anything would just make things worse.
Oh everyone is crazed. Im going to HK on Wednesday to meet Chris. Thank god for people who know what the hell they are doing and who have got their shit together.
Its either he married her or he didnt. With her, its that way, and its her own stupid weakness that she cant appreciate the now. God damnit.
You know, whatever. I dont give a shit anymore. I dont tolerate stupidity and half-assed-ness, and sure the sex was some of the most amazing I ever had, but what does that matter if you make me feel embarrassed about my own fucking emotions. Like I didnt matter. Sure, I have no problems except for you, how trivial. Its like there was something so damned noble about being insecure and being hurt and being unable to cope with it all. Ive got my shit together, and she doesnt, thats all there is to it. Maybe misery is an essential criteria in order to be his lover.
Oh fuck it. I cant blame him. He never did me any harm; made me sad and mad, but never damaged me, so what the hell ever.
!@##$$%
Last night, I met a college infatuation, had a couple of drinks, straddled him in the cab and strapped ourselves together with the belt. I told the cab to turn back though and stayed alone at Gregs. It would just have been too troublesome to have go home the next day from his place.
I dont know what to do with M anymore. Nothing has ever been so complicated or embarrassing before, and I really dont like being in the relationship anymore. I will absolutely not accept people making presumptions about me, and he has made one too many. And made me feel like I was selfish, when I really am not. He thinks I am and that Im emotionally blackmailing him (at least I think he thinks that I am), and that Im self-absorbed and spoilt. At least that was what he made me feel like when I bumped into him at the caf yesterday after spending the whole morning working a resolve never to see him again until hed asked for it first. (Even the best laid plans go to waste).
You wont believe what a loser I was. I bumped into him, he said hi, and the first thing I said was, hey, why dont we go back to your place. Well, seemed like a good idea to me, he lived about a 10 minute walk away anyway, and it would have been a better option the coffee joint. In the opinion of my Alice, of course. (Yes, my pussy has a name).
So he went on about himself and all his problems, which seemed rather big, and I felt like mine were absolutely trivial (which is true, because he is my only problem. Do not even try to figure out the irony in that one). I asked him what he would like to have happened if he could have everything better, and he told me hed not talk to me about it until it was discussed with Liz first.
You seemed like you have a lot of problems, surely you can talk to me about the rest. But of course I knew the big problem was Her.
So I got the impression that everyone was trying to take something from him without returning anything, and that was the thing that irritated and upset-ed him the most. So I thought Id be nice and make him breakfast the next morning when he got up; 9 sounded like a sensible time. He called me up when I suggested that in an sms, and basically said I was crazy, 9 was too early, and what was wrong with me.
Huh? I just felt like doing something nice for you.
I really dont have the time. Bla... bla etcetc.
Essentially, I dont have time for you tomorrow morning, Ive got to go to the office to complete some work, and you cannot force me to make time for you. Also: You are not allright, what do you want from me, because I cannot give you anything, are you sure youre happy, I dont think you are. And why are you sms-ing me about making breakfast for me on the Sabbath when youre having a drink with your friends. Then, Goodbye. Click, followed by a dead tone.
Me to myself, What the hell was all that about! He could have just said he didnt have the time. Jesus.
So youre complaining you have no friends, and that everyone wants to take something from you, and when someone wants to try and do something nice, you think shes crazy? Its your fault you make time for the people that only demand from you.
Oh, and also, youre leaving the country soon, so whats the point.
Oh my god. I thought I got out of that state when I stopped dating conservative local boys who thought about marriage and a HDB flat at 24 and then cheating for several years after that with other girls in Hotel 81.
This is crazy! I mean, of course Im trying my best to understand him, and give him space, and he is under a tremendous amount of pressure (that it is mostly his fault non-withstanding) but it is so irritating to have my kindness indicted. So its my fault that Im trying to be nice? You could have refused politely.
That other woman is crazy too. Im like, get a fucking life and snap out of it already. Hes given you all this money, so for heavens sake, try to stand on your own god-damned feet. If he wants to help you, thats great, but stop blackmailing him. If you really cared, you wouldnt, bitch. And I do care, and Im not doing any good for him at this moment, because nothing I do is taken positively anymore, so Im going to leave him alone, and so there.
Okay, so shes gone through tremendous hurt and doesnt have a blessed life as I do. I can understand that, but trying to make someone do something he doesnt isnt going to make you any happier. Hes helped you thus far, cant you help yourself. Its not like marrying him would solve all your problems. Youre only suffering the hurt because youre too weak to help yourself.
God I really Ugh! I hate to see him like that. He shouldnt be like that. All the beauty in what we hads all ruined now. When I told him I only wanted him if he wanted me; he got it wrong when he said I couldnt demand his affection. I call a spade a spade, and that is what it is. I wasnt demanding his affection. I loved him because he desired me. And now that he doesnt, I dont. Period. I want to be there for him, because hes done something for me emotionally, among other things, but theres absolutely nothing I can do now. And in fact, doing anything would just make things worse.
Oh everyone is crazed. Im going to HK on Wednesday to meet Chris. Thank god for people who know what the hell they are doing and who have got their shit together.
Its either he married her or he didnt. With her, its that way, and its her own stupid weakness that she cant appreciate the now. God damnit.
You know, whatever. I dont give a shit anymore. I dont tolerate stupidity and half-assed-ness, and sure the sex was some of the most amazing I ever had, but what does that matter if you make me feel embarrassed about my own fucking emotions. Like I didnt matter. Sure, I have no problems except for you, how trivial. Its like there was something so damned noble about being insecure and being hurt and being unable to cope with it all. Ive got my shit together, and she doesnt, thats all there is to it. Maybe misery is an essential criteria in order to be his lover.
Oh fuck it. I cant blame him. He never did me any harm; made me sad and mad, but never damaged me, so what the hell ever.
!@##$$%
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
missmeemee:
thebacchanalian:
i love the way you love so intensely and your candidness is amazing. life without risk is math. love without pragmatism is hopeless. i think you are finding what you want from life. thanks for showing us something from inside. i find that hard.