santianna

I Woke Up

And a few things occurred to me. Firstly, there existed a flying pussy that tasted like sour plum candy when I kissed it, and Greg agreed. Secondly, if I spend enough time with any guy I knew right out from the UK, I inevitably end up using shit and fuck more then I normally would. And (thirdly) I think its absolutely acceptable to use it on everyone else.

So being the idiot that I am, I used it on Martine. Who generally doesnt take obscenity very well, or me getting drunk and flashing my panties around or very much bad behaviour that most teenagers should be allowed.

And this was when the fourth thing occurred to me. I dont need this. Its not his fault, its never anyones fault when things dont work out, unless one individual is maniac depressive and adores melancholy 24 hours a day. But I dont need this. Somewhere along the line, things became pointless. I dont love him anymore for who he is, or the time we get to spend with each other. Im not in love anymore, Im crazed, period. The more he tells me to shove off, the more it becomes and end in itself, and that wasnt why I so greatly adored him in the first.

I love him because hes kind (tries to be to me, and definitely is to Liz) and because hes honest. But I cant sit around trying to understand his feelings all the time without him trying to understand mine. Has he ever tried? Im sure he has, but we all have our own shitty problems, and his are bigger then mine, and I know it. Only, Im really not expecting very much at all. All I ask is that he meets me for a few hours, make love to me, offer me tea and talk about life for awhile. Once a week. Thats all!

I feel such a great pressure because I know there arent a lot of people like him. Ive slept, dated and loved a significant number of people, and there really arent many end up having really good chemistry with. Have you ever read a love story that wasnt problematic? Im not even twenty, of course Im supposed to have problematic love relationships; problematic relationships are, as much as we wish they didnt exist, are fun.

Im tired, and Im hurt, but we all have to move on and just wait for good things to come our way, and not let them go when they do.

If theres one thing I have to thank him for, its making me feel again. Really, really feel for someone. Just because the person is who he is. Not because I need him, not because Ive made him responsible for anything that went on in my life And right now, if I want him, itll be for all the wrong reasons, and I dont wish to ruin what he had done for me.

And at the end of the day, at least hes inspired me to make some very good art.

xoxox


I Dont Want to Blame You, But.

Dont go away, Please stay.
I wouldnt know what to do, What to cling on to,
Should you leave, my imagination shall have naught to cleave.

Maybe Im all wrong, perhaps this has gone on too long,
Time wasted, for my curiosity to be sated,
In order to find out, that delusions not what loves about.

But in my head the incessant chatter, What should it matter,
Ill never know its rights, in spite of the silent fights,,
I've had in illustration, of the tears I;want to shed through fustration.

Your presence has been draped, Over me my sensibilities have been raped,
An eternal week in melancholy, but it is not my folly,
To want this, oh please oh please.

I can foll my mind, play tricks that it will never find,
Untile my senses dissolve, into a hushed, hashed resolve,
That for all of now, you are to whom my wanting has made it's vow.

- funny how things can change in a matter of hours. But in the long run, trust me, they don't.

I'm still an idiot when it comes to love, and I'll always be, and I'm not sorry for it. Look at Ethan and myself. Christ. Am I in love with him? Hell no. Am I still going to try and make things work? Of course not, But do I still hope that somehow things will work? Certainly. I'd rather have my life functioning then not.

xxx