santianna

Women can never tell if a guy's a bastard.... perhaps!{/B}

If a guys a bastard when theyre in love. True/False?

Ive gotten so many comments with regard to my relationship with Martine, and most of them go along the lines of you deserve better. But the thing is, better is not always better. Its the way Im being treated that makes me feel good about it all. And the truth is, I do write to make myself sound something of a Cordelia-like sometimes. Im not lying of course, Im just not telling everything, mostly because I simply cannot write everything due to time constraints, the nature of writing and the fact that I have to keep somethings secret.

Then again, I maybe I really am blind.

But I honestly think not. He thinks about me often, Im sure. For whatever strange reason, hes purchased tickets to a couple of concerts and given all of them to me because he knows Id enjoy going. Hed go with me if Liz wasnt around I think. I find it all rather romantic in a secret love affair sort of way, and a little sad too that Ive attended a total of 4 concerts on my own, under his sponsored suggestion.

There was also this rather odd thing that happened a couple of weeks back where he had to have me leave at dinner time because Liz would be calling for a long while to talk about why do you not want to marry me. I was hungry and asked him to pay for my dinner. I dont know why I did that, it wasnt that I was not capable of paying for my own food, I just felt like letting him pay for it. He asked me what Id like to have and gave me the money, then proceeded to sound rather guilty for not having taken me out to dinner for such a long time and said wed do the whole dinner/dancing thing someday soon.

After I did that, I realized Id never have a problem asking him for things. I asked him to take me back to Europe just before summer ended, if I was still in the country, and he basically agreed if he was going down, why not.

The other thing that makes him not a bastard (although looking at the way he treats me as a lover, he should be, or so many people think; but not me) is how he treats other people. He doesnt do me injustice because hes selfish, I dont think. The problem that exists lies with Liz, and he cant bear to hurt her. She knows about me of course, not exactly, but shed asked him about it several times, and I have still yet to find out whether he denied it or made up a story.

Somehow, Its allright if Im being done wrong if the intention is not borne out of self-centeredness. Hes to choose between hurting her or upsetting me. Ive got a life outside him, and I am most certainly not dependant in any way, hed never break up with her for me, I know it, but hell do it because its got to be done sooner or later. Lengthening it would just make life harder for everyone when its over.

Someone Ive been seeing for the past week since SF (weve not slept together, Ive simply been bumming around in his apartment, and hes already given me the key under the strongest suspicion that Im not a psychopath) asked me if Id like this thing with M to work long term. May-be it will, may-be it wont. First off, all my being is bent on leaving the country, he may or may not move to where Ill be in the next couple of years, whos to know? And secondly, I love being around with him, I love this relationship I have with him, but Im not going to be bothered to try and make things work. Or try to hard. As long as he wants it, Ill put a great deal of effort and feeling into it. The moment he doesnt, then I wont, because that defeats the purpose of what its supposed to be in the first place. Its not about making it work, its about wanting it to carry on working.

Im crazy about him. Ive not felt so comfortable with any individual, and there is no one that can want to fuck me the instant Im over and never make me feel like an object. I cant explain how he does it, hes urgent about making love to me, yet not. Hed want to, but will always spare sometime before to make tea, or to have a decent conversation, or to read the summary of whatever that is the book of the day in my bag. He knows I have a life outside him, and doesnt mind hearing about it. And hed still accept me for what I am and desire me, and I find that amazing. I suppose he knows Im crazier about him more then I can be crazy about anyone else, and its easy to listen to all the stories and think, ah but shes mine still. Kinda thing. I know I feel like that about him (there are more clockwork wound women after his blood apart from Liz).

And you know what, all those things matter, but their all arguable. Im nuts about him, course Im blind. But hes the first person Id slept with as a real person, as a complete individual, since the whole promiscuity thing started sometime back late 2 years ago. I say anything I want to around him, send him the silliest drawings, scribble stuff on the sides of his notebooks (the ones I know that will be in the office when Liz comes by). I dont expect anything from him, not a lifestyle, not a risqu love affair, nothing. I dont need him, and maybe because of that, I do. If he left, Id write a few sad emails and send him a few paintings, but I wouldnt be hysterical about it.

Then again, Im nearly never hysterical about anything.