Dissed Off
<>Ethan is such an elitist, conservative, conventional oh-I-would-like-to-use-a-harsh-label-for-him-but-cunt. I had to mention Chris to him. I didnt tell him even 10% of everything of course, but it was bad enough. He called me a whore (and said 'thats a pity because I really liked you') I was terribly upset for awhile, before I realized that it didnt matter, because what he thought of me must not matter. Someone with his sort of bloody upper-class snobbery I cannot possibly want for it to matter to me. Chris has more to offer me then he does. Ethan takes and never gives. What does 'genuine' feeling have to do with anything if it isnt coupled with the desire to want to show it though acting, by doing something, and by making a real effort. There are people who please themselves by pleasing others, and those that please themselves by thinking they are pleasing someone else. Im not part of his life the way I feel like Im part of Martines or Chris, where I know they want to involve me in their life whenever they possibly can.
Chris matters to me. What does age have to do with it? Conventionally it is odd, but why should that matter? Hes a person just like anyone else, and sure, I dont desire him sexually, but there are more things to what should matter in a relationship other than that. Just because I wouldnt want to fuck someone like him under more conventional circumstances (god knows that that is) doesnt mean Im whoring myself out.
I am so not making a grave mistake by getting myself entangled with C. Hes a nice person and I know he would want for me to be happy and wont do me any wrong, at least not intentionally. And since hes a very stable individual, I cannot see why anything could possibly go sour. Hes done more for me, annoyed me less and caused me virtually no heartache or emotional burden when compared to most of the other blokes and bastards. The only annoying bits that he likes to eat my pussy too much, but we all have to give a little, ya. He told me today that he has too much of a positive opinion of me to have anything I was trying to hide from him to bother him.
For crying out loud, the only thing thats wrong about our relationship is age. Which will mean the only thing wrong was time, which would mean that the problem is not with either of us but with something external to us.
The problem is with societys fixation with a certain order, because that makes things easier. It makes judging people and feeling morally superior with that judgment so much easier for them all. Were not misplaced in time; he was born to early, I was born too late. Thats stupid, we are the way we are because of the time that has passed and how we have passed that time. Everything that has passed has made us into the people we both happen to be now, and after a series of rather fortuitous events have brought us together, and shall keep us together until something should happen that will decide otherwise.
Ethan is too childish for me. I didnt know he was so silly, hes sillier then some of my best pals who are also male, younger, and Singaporebred. (But I must say, those boys are not silly at all!) The idea of him having sex with a woman in her late thirties actually semi turns him off. And the idea of me having sex with a man in his late thirties would make him think of me as a whore. I am so sure. But hell I would fuck Martine all day and sleep with my face in between his legs for no more then the fact that he likes me because I am the way I am (as opposed to despite, as cliched as that is).
I realized that the one thing that made any relationship work for me was the ability to tell the truth, or at least know that telling the truth wouldnt change the persons opinion of me. Oh hell, Martine knows Ive prostituted myself, and he didnt seem to think there was anything wrong with it. Im sure he wasnt very pleased, being my lover He really hates it when I devalue myself, and hell never call me a slut in bed. In fact, he absolutely forbids me to call myself one. But think about it, in a world where everyone is so promiscuous, you cannot possibly try and tell me that there is more pride and morality in fucking someone because you are physically attracted them (Ethan seems to think One Nite Stands are normal) than because the person is willing to exchange so much time, money and effort; and you are willing to fuck that individual because you are attracted to how much hes giving! Jesus Christ! Youd think the answer with more depth were already so damned obvious!
Martine called me today, and he was very sad hassled. I could only tell him I wished for him all the best and didnt want to slush up his mind more then it already was. With work piling up to the nines and the problematic issues with Liz. I am sure the latter is more of a bother then the former. I really wish shed pick herself up already and leave. But then again, if Martine were to be absolutely sure hed stay with her (of which he is absolutely sure of the opposite) I think I might really stick with Chris and figure things out from there. Im sick of being promiscuous, and sleeping around isnt all that liberalizing any more. It got boring, and at some point, I started feeling more like a pussy then anything. I know I can get what I want by just flirting, and I always do, so its just not much fun anymore.
He told me today that he needed sometime off the next week because Liz was coming to visit him
Me, What for? You cant possibly tell me you think talking things over face to face would do any good. Not if you want to break up with her.
Him, No, this was planned a really long time ago. Please try to be more sensitive, were talking about a real person here, with real feelings and very deep emotions.
Me, Im sure. Dependant emotions are always deep. Oh bother. You cant expect me to try and sympathize with her, I dont know her.
Him, Of course Im not expecting you to. It would hardly be reasonable for me to expect one lover to sympathize with my other I just need you to give me about 10 days off you, its crazy I know, but you cant expect me to be sad with her then happy with you all in a matter of a couple of hours, not while I have to concentrate on all this damn work.
Me, If Liz left you, would you care. I bet youd forget her in awhile. It wouldnt matter. Thats how it is when you dont desire someone anymore and you dont need them. But Im really reverential of the way in which you try to stay somber for her sake. Like it was wrong for you to feel happy with another woman when she was feeling sad because of you.
Me, I know its no fault of mine that the both of you are breaking up, you would have anyway, maybe I reminded you of the fact that there are women far more compatible with your character then she is; and I would be, if not for this thing called time and age.
And there it occurred to me that it was easy for me to be so generous with Liz, to not feel hurt (Im angry sometimes in situations concerning her, because I feel shes robbing M of his right to feeling happiness and pleasure) or marginalized and second-fiddled simply because Martine desires me more then he does her. Or maybe not desire, particularly, I think shes rather adorably pretty and fit in her own way; But he certainly feels better, overall, in his relationship with me then with her. And that makes me feel superior, and its so easy to allow concessions to the other woman when you know youre better off.
Oh man, this has been way too much introspection for a day. Im going to workout then crash.
xoxox
<>Ethan is such an elitist, conservative, conventional oh-I-would-like-to-use-a-harsh-label-for-him-but-cunt. I had to mention Chris to him. I didnt tell him even 10% of everything of course, but it was bad enough. He called me a whore (and said 'thats a pity because I really liked you') I was terribly upset for awhile, before I realized that it didnt matter, because what he thought of me must not matter. Someone with his sort of bloody upper-class snobbery I cannot possibly want for it to matter to me. Chris has more to offer me then he does. Ethan takes and never gives. What does 'genuine' feeling have to do with anything if it isnt coupled with the desire to want to show it though acting, by doing something, and by making a real effort. There are people who please themselves by pleasing others, and those that please themselves by thinking they are pleasing someone else. Im not part of his life the way I feel like Im part of Martines or Chris, where I know they want to involve me in their life whenever they possibly can.
Chris matters to me. What does age have to do with it? Conventionally it is odd, but why should that matter? Hes a person just like anyone else, and sure, I dont desire him sexually, but there are more things to what should matter in a relationship other than that. Just because I wouldnt want to fuck someone like him under more conventional circumstances (god knows that that is) doesnt mean Im whoring myself out.
I am so not making a grave mistake by getting myself entangled with C. Hes a nice person and I know he would want for me to be happy and wont do me any wrong, at least not intentionally. And since hes a very stable individual, I cannot see why anything could possibly go sour. Hes done more for me, annoyed me less and caused me virtually no heartache or emotional burden when compared to most of the other blokes and bastards. The only annoying bits that he likes to eat my pussy too much, but we all have to give a little, ya. He told me today that he has too much of a positive opinion of me to have anything I was trying to hide from him to bother him.
For crying out loud, the only thing thats wrong about our relationship is age. Which will mean the only thing wrong was time, which would mean that the problem is not with either of us but with something external to us.
The problem is with societys fixation with a certain order, because that makes things easier. It makes judging people and feeling morally superior with that judgment so much easier for them all. Were not misplaced in time; he was born to early, I was born too late. Thats stupid, we are the way we are because of the time that has passed and how we have passed that time. Everything that has passed has made us into the people we both happen to be now, and after a series of rather fortuitous events have brought us together, and shall keep us together until something should happen that will decide otherwise.
Ethan is too childish for me. I didnt know he was so silly, hes sillier then some of my best pals who are also male, younger, and Singaporebred. (But I must say, those boys are not silly at all!) The idea of him having sex with a woman in her late thirties actually semi turns him off. And the idea of me having sex with a man in his late thirties would make him think of me as a whore. I am so sure. But hell I would fuck Martine all day and sleep with my face in between his legs for no more then the fact that he likes me because I am the way I am (as opposed to despite, as cliched as that is).
I realized that the one thing that made any relationship work for me was the ability to tell the truth, or at least know that telling the truth wouldnt change the persons opinion of me. Oh hell, Martine knows Ive prostituted myself, and he didnt seem to think there was anything wrong with it. Im sure he wasnt very pleased, being my lover He really hates it when I devalue myself, and hell never call me a slut in bed. In fact, he absolutely forbids me to call myself one. But think about it, in a world where everyone is so promiscuous, you cannot possibly try and tell me that there is more pride and morality in fucking someone because you are physically attracted them (Ethan seems to think One Nite Stands are normal) than because the person is willing to exchange so much time, money and effort; and you are willing to fuck that individual because you are attracted to how much hes giving! Jesus Christ! Youd think the answer with more depth were already so damned obvious!
Martine called me today, and he was very sad hassled. I could only tell him I wished for him all the best and didnt want to slush up his mind more then it already was. With work piling up to the nines and the problematic issues with Liz. I am sure the latter is more of a bother then the former. I really wish shed pick herself up already and leave. But then again, if Martine were to be absolutely sure hed stay with her (of which he is absolutely sure of the opposite) I think I might really stick with Chris and figure things out from there. Im sick of being promiscuous, and sleeping around isnt all that liberalizing any more. It got boring, and at some point, I started feeling more like a pussy then anything. I know I can get what I want by just flirting, and I always do, so its just not much fun anymore.
He told me today that he needed sometime off the next week because Liz was coming to visit him
Me, What for? You cant possibly tell me you think talking things over face to face would do any good. Not if you want to break up with her.
Him, No, this was planned a really long time ago. Please try to be more sensitive, were talking about a real person here, with real feelings and very deep emotions.
Me, Im sure. Dependant emotions are always deep. Oh bother. You cant expect me to try and sympathize with her, I dont know her.
Him, Of course Im not expecting you to. It would hardly be reasonable for me to expect one lover to sympathize with my other I just need you to give me about 10 days off you, its crazy I know, but you cant expect me to be sad with her then happy with you all in a matter of a couple of hours, not while I have to concentrate on all this damn work.
Me, If Liz left you, would you care. I bet youd forget her in awhile. It wouldnt matter. Thats how it is when you dont desire someone anymore and you dont need them. But Im really reverential of the way in which you try to stay somber for her sake. Like it was wrong for you to feel happy with another woman when she was feeling sad because of you.
Me, I know its no fault of mine that the both of you are breaking up, you would have anyway, maybe I reminded you of the fact that there are women far more compatible with your character then she is; and I would be, if not for this thing called time and age.
And there it occurred to me that it was easy for me to be so generous with Liz, to not feel hurt (Im angry sometimes in situations concerning her, because I feel shes robbing M of his right to feeling happiness and pleasure) or marginalized and second-fiddled simply because Martine desires me more then he does her. Or maybe not desire, particularly, I think shes rather adorably pretty and fit in her own way; But he certainly feels better, overall, in his relationship with me then with her. And that makes me feel superior, and its so easy to allow concessions to the other woman when you know youre better off.
Oh man, this has been way too much introspection for a day. Im going to workout then crash.
xoxox
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Huummm... what Ethan called you tell more about his character than about you. And, for Christ sakes, why do you call yourself a whore??? Do really feel like this?
I was thinking about your dissolute life-stile. I have always been a "nice guy", and you know what it brought to me? I'm almost 30 and I didn't lived half part of what you did and I miss this experience. You did what you did in the right time, and now you can change this at your will. Period.
I don't know what you did with Cris, neither with the other guys - but you're the only one that can decides what to do with your body, with who, when and why. As much as Martine is about his. I didn't exactly get how is his personality, but, personaly talking, I would love find a very horny, sexy, fit and experient older lady to have sex. It is quite boring have to teach somebody from de bottom (except if you do care very much for this person) and very exciting have things to learn from. My best, by chance, is younger than me, but the girl that show me how good sex could be is six years older than me - what, at that time, meant 23 to 29. Thinking about, all my girls but two were older than me... that's interesting. I never thought about this before....
Santi, whatever the other girl means to M, think about this: is with you that he spent must of his time. And he isn't in love with her. So, who's the man?
Hugs,
LA
[Edited on Mar 30, 2005 8:34PM]