sansseraph

so i'm updateing less than a month after the last one believe or not! slightly less bitter than before...

i escaped working this morning by haveing massive sinus pain... ugh.. my fucking sinuses ah well nothing breakfast a book and 2 pots o coffee with a liberal dose of day time tylenol won't fix.

ever notice that when you have a really jagged headache and the pain killers take hold you get this sort of fragile feeling of heightened awareness and sensitivity? like when you play on a swing set and your as high as the swing can go but haven't started down yet?

well at any rate i started thinking about bitterness and thought processes and inspiration and how they all relate to me and what i'm going to do wih this random day off... i'v been trying to work through alot of mental bullshit lately, i won't bore you with all of the actual questions i'm trying to answer suffice it to say that if i went to my goth bar stomping grounds, threw the back of my hand over my eyes and struck a theatric pose while proclaiming them in a loud sorrowed voice...
no one would even look up

any way while i'm working through this mental dialog i start thinking about neurology and the structure of the brain (yeah so i had A LOT of coffee) we've got the whole 2 hemisphere set up with the right side all logical and mathmatic then the left side governing emotion and creativity and what not sort of a linear and nonlinear thought division with the corpus collosum conecting the two sides (this is a really sketchy description) there is a constant communication between the 2 sides through the corpus collosum that allows them to work together. (some people are born without the connection in the middle and some have it removed to stop a certain type of severe epilepsy and really really odd things can happen when they can't communicate via the corpus collosum but thats a discussion for another time)

any way... the point is that i stared thinking about this constant communication

right side "you have recieced a two
dollar tip on a fifty dollar table"

left side "fucking cheap bastards"

not exactly how it works but good enough for this

and began trying to "listen" in my own head for the dialog...

what do i want to do with today ?

right side " here are the options you have the means to persue"

left side " here is an emotional response to each option."

just this sort of odd nearly instantanious inteplay bounceing back and forth in my head like a really odd tennis match with each hemisphere as a player and my descision as the ball.

i've just reminded myself of a
George Carlin quote
"These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools."

so the point of all this

did i just hear someone shout "finally?"

one of the things i've been struggleing with is a good solid case of clinical depession. which is a nice way for the doctors to say your brain doesn't produce enough seratonin or to paraphrase again

you spend time very unhappy for no reason we can dissern what-so-ever here take these drugs... they'll wreck your sex drive, make you crap yourself, you'll always be tierd but never sleep BUT you'll feel better about it....

i think i'll stick with the coffee and smokes thanks.

any way i begin to wonder if my deppression isn't a result of one side of my brain talking louder than the other or perhaps some other flaw in the communication between the hemisperes like a married couple that fights instead of discusses.

oh if at any point you thought "depression? you wuss ! just pick yourself up and get going!" i want you to just fuck right off

any way thanks for reading and i don't hold it against you if you only made it halfway through