Excerpt from a letter i wrote recently: Long and rambly i know but it explains things well enough
heh i'm actually in your place before your boy. Odd that.
in the past two months i ended a three year relationship, moved to tremont (i lived with her in an apartment we had together) Buried my dad and then my mother a few weeks later. I'm capable of tremendous talent and have lived other peoples lives for a long time for a variety of reasons. one 8 year relationship and one three year... both unique and loving in the own way and i wish them the best but both had strong ideas about what they wanted and i didn't so by the time we discovered that we wanted different things years had gone by... I spent a huge amount of time taking care of my parents in one way or another.
and, well, i woke up most mornings wondering what the point of the next breath was. So i made the next breath a cigarette more often than not.
Now i find myself settling both my mother's and my father's estates. It's going to be a long and painful and unrewarding process. Neither had insurance (my sister and i are 6 grand in dept just to have them cremated) and both of them had enough debt that untangling it all is going to be a career all on it's own.
I have a career as a graphic designer a decent job (soul grinding and unfulfilling but it's art based and pays the bills)
Now, i have the time and the need to turn potential into capability and desire into reality but sleep alone and have no one to really tell about life. Be it success or failure. I have friends, amazing friends, a sister and a half brother, and some family here and there. Yet there is nothing quite the same as telling a parent or a lover and hearing "i'm proud"
So until i develop some self-actualization and the ability to really feel "nothing ever matters and it doesn't matter" I think the occasional existential crisis is bound to roll through.
I had dinner with my ex tonight and was both happy and sad that she's dating her long time friend bob. They really are perfect for each other.
so there''s my life
I write down the goals that i think will help me become the person i want to be. Not a different person than i am today just a better version. Intelligence and depression have an intimate link in that intelligence keeps you from looking away from life good bad and indifferent. It's hard on a person. Your not the only one that sees glass boxes.
I do agree that the chamber is an awful place but really the world is kind of awful. There are gems in the pile of shit, but the catch is you have to go through the shit to find them.
Give your boy a hug and hang on tight!
gabriel
heh i'm actually in your place before your boy. Odd that.
in the past two months i ended a three year relationship, moved to tremont (i lived with her in an apartment we had together) Buried my dad and then my mother a few weeks later. I'm capable of tremendous talent and have lived other peoples lives for a long time for a variety of reasons. one 8 year relationship and one three year... both unique and loving in the own way and i wish them the best but both had strong ideas about what they wanted and i didn't so by the time we discovered that we wanted different things years had gone by... I spent a huge amount of time taking care of my parents in one way or another.
and, well, i woke up most mornings wondering what the point of the next breath was. So i made the next breath a cigarette more often than not.
Now i find myself settling both my mother's and my father's estates. It's going to be a long and painful and unrewarding process. Neither had insurance (my sister and i are 6 grand in dept just to have them cremated) and both of them had enough debt that untangling it all is going to be a career all on it's own.
I have a career as a graphic designer a decent job (soul grinding and unfulfilling but it's art based and pays the bills)
Now, i have the time and the need to turn potential into capability and desire into reality but sleep alone and have no one to really tell about life. Be it success or failure. I have friends, amazing friends, a sister and a half brother, and some family here and there. Yet there is nothing quite the same as telling a parent or a lover and hearing "i'm proud"
So until i develop some self-actualization and the ability to really feel "nothing ever matters and it doesn't matter" I think the occasional existential crisis is bound to roll through.
I had dinner with my ex tonight and was both happy and sad that she's dating her long time friend bob. They really are perfect for each other.
so there''s my life
I write down the goals that i think will help me become the person i want to be. Not a different person than i am today just a better version. Intelligence and depression have an intimate link in that intelligence keeps you from looking away from life good bad and indifferent. It's hard on a person. Your not the only one that sees glass boxes.
I do agree that the chamber is an awful place but really the world is kind of awful. There are gems in the pile of shit, but the catch is you have to go through the shit to find them.
Give your boy a hug and hang on tight!
gabriel