Sunday Dec 27, 2009

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I went hiking today. Not the kind of hiking that involves passing joggers and people with their pets, but the sort that whose routes are determined by the mark of hooves and the cut of water. When i was a little kid, my dad would take me out walking in the forest. We'd range far enough to need a compass. He once explained to me...
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chrysis:
As much at peace as I was able to bring myself by that point, yes. I felt very selfish when I was finally able to gain perspective .. about making this holiday so much about myself, and MY needs [even if they were for my brother to be near -- it was still ME needing him .. for ME]. It's really not about that. So I tried to calm myself & realign.

However, Christmas was a very broken and smashed up skeleton of its former self, and there was no denying. Nor keeping myself from regressing. The holidays are frustrating like that.

I need to get into the woods more. Unfortunately, mine are all paths & trails, and even "off-trail" you can still see them .. and I'm always way too self-aware and conscious, and. They're fairly populated with self-important walkers and joggers and "NOTICE ME NOTICING YOU AND PLEASE SMILE AND SAY HELLO" types.

Wednesday Nov 25, 2009

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Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncles family tomorrow. They love me and i them but it's so hard to watch them be a family. especially when my uncle looks so like my father.

On the upside i got to climb today and have blisters and bruises all over my hands smile
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chrysis:
Alright. You have told me a little about your situation, but I don't know what bothers you and what doesn't. Upon actually typing this up, I've decided that I don't know enough to know if this will bother you or --

Well. Only that the short thing that you wrote reminded me strongly of this:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
It was Russ who held me the day Dad's coffin was lowered into the blazing green earth of the cemetery grounds. I hadn't been at the wake or the funeral, but Mom brought all of us up to Massachusetts for the burial. There were people crying all around, looking at the coffin, the hole, the grass, their shoes, the sky. Russ looked at the grass. My hands gripped the back of his neck and patted his puffy, prickly cheeks. I looked at his eyes, red and wet. They looked as if they hurt. I looked at his big ear and at the hairs that curled from the waxy hole.

"Is my daddy in there?" I whispered to him in the silence. He ignored me, so I leaned in closer, my lips touching the hairs, and asked him again. Then I saw his eyes spilling and shut my mouth so hard I bit my tongue. I could taste blood, metallic like the water from the fountain at school, licking its way to my teeth. I started to cry and put my hands to his cheeks once more, just like the cheeks I had touched in the sunshine by the pool, in the dimly lit hallways of our house, in my bed before I fell asleep.

"You look just like my daddy," I whispered. "You look just like my daddy." My uncle turned his head and began to sob as some gray-haired lady took me from his arms, my hands scraping his stubble as I was carried away.
discoquette:
I really apreaciate your sweet comment in my set smile

Thursday Nov 19, 2009

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Odd day all in all but a good one

I now have a giant flashlight with EXCALIBUR emblazoned on the side. I didn't even have to pull it out of a stone.

tomorrow is friday night and i'm hoping to have something to do.

The day to day minutia of peoples lives and stories has been winding through my head for days. It's like waking...
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roxsea:
I loved every word. I want pictures of that flashlight. I can imagine it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the real thing is a milli-times better. wink

Wednesday Nov 18, 2009

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One of my few truly beloved friends told me she was moving out of state because she couldn't live here and NOT be with me. She's signing the papers for the necessary financials this week.

I was offered love and companionship and future. With the catch that i would have to bury half of who i am.

I turned it down.

I think i'll always...
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roxsea:
I"m impressed. You may always wonder, but is burying yourself to gain another really worth it? So many questions and pondering this brings. . .

I'm still impressed. You are strong man.

Monday Nov 16, 2009

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drove to NC to celebrate my step grandfather's 80th.

Should have maybe thought that watching my half brother, his dad (my step dad), and grandfather frolic about might hurt a lil.

Add to that that i was with 4 couples and my sister who texted her boyfriend half the time OH and my ex wanted to let me know she's happily preggers and i had...
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elainaclarice:
I'm sorry to hear about everything..
I'm a strong believer in the phrase what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so just take it like that.

Tuesday Nov 03, 2009

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Tuesday Nov 03, 2009

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I really want to smoke.
At least it's something i can control,
and it's better than yelling for help.
The ones that listen can't and the ones that could don't.

Is there a point where going through the motions gets replaced by motivation?

bleh.
chrysis:
Oh, you are my favorite person right now! I LOVE CHINCHILLAS! I had two rescue black velvets, a while back .. but things were so rough for them, I couldn't really tame them very well. Not to mention, they were my first, so it was just hard all around. They were dropping and chewing their fur out like crazy, standing up and peeing on everyone [which was actually funny, but considering how angry and scared they were .. eeek] ..



This is how far I got, before I had to give them to someone more experienced. smile

Friday Oct 30, 2009

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So!
I went from too much time to too little! I like it.

I shot a a student senior picture set last week and had it edited and ready to present today. It's interestingly nostalgic to be doing photography again. The whole bag of feelings that comes along with doing commission art work is a welcome thing. I hadn't realized how crazy long it's been...
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Monday Oct 19, 2009

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i miss liking solitude.
chrysis:
Gotta get back into the rhythm, man. Solitude probably misses you back. It's good for the core, I think.

Wednesday Oct 07, 2009

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Excerpt from a letter i wrote recently: Long and rambly i know but it explains things well enough

heh i'm actually in your place before your boy. Odd that.
in the past two months i ended a three year relationship, moved to tremont (i lived with her in an apartment we had together) Buried my dad and then my mother a few weeks later. I'm...
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